Disquiet~

With the changing times, changing mentalities are bound to happen. The situations that we're thrown into tend to put the greater world into perspective. You'd think one would learn from their mistakes but it would seem like we're doomed to relive the past. With repetition of the un-ideal, you start to wonder if things aren't meant to be; if things won't go as you had planned. Does that give you enough reason to keep fighting or is it enough to fuck it and slowly (or quickly) walk away? Decyphering these hidden messages seem to be what's occupying my mind in the last week. It's like a Sudoku puzzle that I can't figure out. I want to quit so desperately because it's too difficult but I still feel that I can complete and understand it. At least, until I hit that point where things are irreversable and I can't backtrack any longer. It would really be nice if life had a Menu-Restart option. Otherwise, I would've done a lot of things differently~

Work is really pushing my limits. The inconsistencies, the miscommunication, the people especially. I'm over it. I've been at Puraw-Wave's place whenever I get the chance and scan through any kind of job-search engine and hope to spot something within my perameters. Unfortunately, my knowledge (or lack thereof) limits me to what options I have. Will I forever be standing behind a cash register or dealing with random peoples' shit? I seriously hope not. I want to be able to finally sit behind a drafting table and work on something that the world will see and enjoy. "Back to the drawing board" as they say. In the meantime, I need something else. Anything (within reason) will do. I'm not a fan of harassing people in need, risking getting capped, or any of that mess. Besides, I don't get paid enough to do all that. It's like ABC all over again...just with less incentive to keep showing up every single day~

Last night, as I was working on the training regiment provided by dear cousin, my neighbors were semi-passionately going at it. The squeaking of the bed frame was overlapping the bass-beats of my stereo. The guy had his spurts while the girl seemed slightly pleasured. Between each session, conversations started to take place. Not dirty talk, mind you, but conversations you'd have with a long-time friend while meeting at a Starbucks. "So what'll you be doing in the next few days? How's so-and-so?" Then right back at it. As Jon said, "Meet for coffee, meet for sex. There isn't much difference." In this case, I guess there really isn't~

It got me thinking...."What the fuck?" Personally, I haven't had any sort of workout as such. Quite personally, I think my partner's lost interest. Consider it jealousy or insecurity, I was feeling very uncomfortable with it. Seeing how my comrades were getting their fill (haha...get it?), I thought it came with the territory. Oh well, I suppose. However, THAT wasn't my main focus of "What the fuck?" I started to think about the building itself. I thought the building was fairly new. Probably about the same age as The Lofts at Belmar (same basic design, layout, and feel). The couple didn't seem all that into it. More noise came from the bed than the couple themselves. So how is the squeaking going to out-noise my stereo? Secondly, I've been having leaks. The window sills get soaked after a day of heavy rain. They're currently lined with paper towels. I was hoping I'd be able to sleep with my windows open but no such luck. Also, two spots on my floor suddenly develop a small pondlet of water. It's strange because there are no signs of leaking from my ceiling. It just comes from the ground, I think. After all that hype of wanting to live in this apartment, I'm starting to regret it. But I don't want to move again. I want to actually be in a place where I can settle down for a while. It would've been nice if I got the Income Restriction rate versus the full rate. The Washer/Dryer is nice, though. Since parking sucks, I'm looking forward to when I'll be able to get myself a spot in the garage. Fuckin' apartment....

Currently: wanting things to get better already~

Be Like Water~

It's definitely felt like a long time since I've blogged. Normally, I don't do it unless something great or important has happened. Today, I just feel like it's appropriate to release and update~

I generally believe in rules/order. It keeps everything working like clockwork. I would like to hope that everyone believes in such things. People who believe in Anarchy are stupid and need to be punched in the face by the mighty fist of reality. I bring this up because my apartment complex need to enforce their rules better. Primarily, they need to enforce their rules on parking spots. There are 2 handicap spots that are always taken by cars without the handicapped tag. Nothing is being done about it at all. As dumb as it sounds, it's really pissing me off. There's a spot or space that's not a parking spot. It's for disabled individuals who need room to exit a vehicle. Explain to me why some jack-ass is using it to park his monsterous Escalade Truck? What if I were to have handicapped friends/family visit me? They don't have anywhere to park because some idiot decided to park there because it's close and available. I'm thinking about writing a letter to the management office. It's only fair to the people that actually do need those spots. And maybe I can get them to knock my rent down to the actual income restriction rate. It's upsetting that people with balling-ass rides can live here. It's supposed to be income restriction. If someone can afford a Jaguar, Escalade, Land Rover, or BMW (believe me, I see it all the time in my complex), they probably shouldn't be living here~

Every so often, a glint of success comes my way. I don't know if it's just a feeling of accomplishment or some kind of underhanded reward. As miniscule as it seems, I take great pride in that moment of victory. I might not be as successful as others but I still do what I can to survive. Sure, it might be a lot harder than I'd like it to be but I'm suriving. Maybe living the dream? Haha...not that ideal but you get the idea. A lot of undesirable things have happened to me in the last few months but I still have lots to be thankful for. I'm able to put a roof over my head with a crap job (but the fact that I have a job, that's a lot more than I can say for a lot of people that are getting laid off left and right), I have a loving girlfriend who's very supportive of me, I have a loving family that keeps me in check when I need a good kick in the pants, and I have friends that keep me grounded as well as inspire me to become a Better Brad~

Although I have all the support that anyone could ask for, sometimes it feels like it's not enough. Struggling is never fun. Anyone who says that it is, they're lying through their teeth and need a swift kick in the taint. It's nice to have help along the way. With newly acquired contacts, help towards a better future is always welcomed. It's just a matter of hearing the right position to open up. "C'mon, full-time." Stepping stones are building. I'll reach that throne sooner or later~

Weather has reached its ups and downs. Over the weekend, it's rained quite a plenty. The girlfriend loves it. She enjoys rainy weather. If she had her way, she'd be living in Seattle right now. If it makes her happy, then I'm happy. Keep the rain coming, I say. We've spent a lot more time together. That's something that I'll always welcome. Money's tight and she knows that so we can't go to places we'd like to. But with the weather being how its been, a good cuddly with a movie will more-than-suffice. Still, there are things that I would've enjoyed doing if it weren't for the weather. Since we had to cancel plans for the hotsprings, we were gonna go to Boondocks and have an all-day extravenganza. It would've been nice to hit the go-cart track, batting cages, and mingolf. Due to the weather, though, it can't be helped. Besides, it saves me a pretty penny or two~

I know that I need to watch my finances. Right now, I just have enough to cover rent and the basic necessities. It's annoying because, as usual, my goal for a car is just beyond my grasp. The year and model I want for a few thousands of dollars (ranging from $1600 to $6950) and I can't get it due to my situation. Not to mention the car-fund has slowly been depleting due to cost of living and other miscellaneous things that just so happen to come up. I've talked with my older sister about how much she needed to put down in order for our dad to help with the rest. Her car was $7000 and she just put down $200. If I recall correctly, she hasn't even been making payments and left the rest to my dad. That's messed up and a half. Surely, it's only fair for him to help out with a $1600 car. I'll have to consult with him further about it. Another thing that's been weighing heavy on my impulse purchase list is a PS3. I was under the impression that an HDTV is required to operate such a machine. However, with news from my twin, an HDTV is unneccessary. So...I think I'll have to get one sooner or later as well as the Rock Band set to make my place the targeted hang-out like my initial plans were. All that we need is a PS3 price drop. Anytime now....(and an HDTV would still be nice. It'll only be a matter of time)~

The baby sister has recently given birth to another baby boy. She's lucky to have sons. I don't know why, but she and her husband sure do like to name their kids black or FOB names. She says that the hubby gets to pick out the boy names. Seriously, when (not if) I have a son, he's gonna be a bad-ass kid with a bad-ass name. It's only fitting. I hope that when I start to have kids, I'll be just as lucky. I need to spawn some offspring that'll carry the Bagcal name. We can't die out...how else are we supposed to have reign over the world with our awesomeness? Also, how is it that I'm the last one to find out about his birth? I think that happened when Jerrick was born, too. I'm the last one to find out about everything. When my dad had cancer, I didn't find out about that one 2 weeks after the fact. Knowing my luck, if one of my parents were to die (God forbid), I probably wouldn't find out a month after it happened. That seems to be the trend~

I need to reconnect with some friends I haven't spoken to in a while. I don't really talk to that many people and I feel it's making me lose touch with reality. I also need to make new friends. Not so much through a social networking site but more through a professional standpoint. The more contacts a person has, the more likely they'll succeed and move forward. It's proven. That's what I need (hence my contacts for a potential better paying job). "Friends...How many of us have them?"

Bottom line, I can't just sit here and expect things to happen. I have to work at it. I have to make it happen. "Get Rich Quick" never worked. Hell, that's how most of the customers I get end up in the position they're in (there was this one customer whose bank statement was 60% withdrawals at Blackhawk). Sure, sometimes things just naturally happen. But in the working world, hard work and dedication pays off. I'm a full believer of that~

Currently: awaiting my big break. haha...just kidding. that contradicts my previous statemt. i'm actually gonna make food. i'm starving~

Breaking Point~

As time progresses, the limit draws closer. Or it could be possible that the limit becomes further distant. I, however, find myself struggling with what the limit is. Could it be that I'm drawing closer? After so long of trying to build a tolerance, it could be quite possible that I'm pulled closer to what I can bear. Perhaps things have been too good. It has left me comfortable; vulnerable. Without that "expectation," the walls come down. There's a sense of familiarity, trust, and normality. I believe that once things become a normal occurance and we start to become comfortable with it, any kind of change is unwelcomed. The well-oiled, fine-tuned machine becomes thrown out of whack with the proverbial "tossed-in wrench." It's this desire to become like clockwork that tries to hide in the shadows of imperfection. Unfortunately, any kind of light will cast a shadow. The light of hope comes without concequences for the shadows of the past follow the illuminated present and/or future~

It's never a treat to be called out for what things really are. I should know; it happens enough. Still, there are no excuses. After it all, the truth remains and it's all too undesirable or unwanted. I can't ignore the fact but it's there. Is that what it takes to reveal the obvious? What it comes down to is a road or conclusion I must follow. Have I reached that breaking point or limit or do I still have a long way to go to reach the destination before tollerance crumbles? It's hard to decide. The shadows grow larger making them that much of an issue. On the flipside, the eye-opener shows an ending result illuminated by the light of hope and hard work. The double-edge sword, I suppose. It's a matter of perspective~

...................................................

I had just recently set up reservations to visit Steamboat Springs with the lady. It was a trip that we've been wanting to do for so long. Memorial Day Weekend is the first time I'll have 2 days off in a row in a very long time. I set reservations for it and everything. Unfortunately, things have come up and we have to cancel the trip to the hot-springs. I must admit, I'm quite upset by this. However, it does save me money from the hotel reservations and gas (not to mention any other kind of miscellaneous spending that would happen). Who knows when another opportunity will present itself? I'm hoping soon. I recently received some needed help at work and there are talks of trying to alternate Saturdays off. I need something or I'll burn out much faster that I want to~

The job search continues, of course. I wouldn't want to be stuck at a loan person for the rest of my life. There's an opportunity that could potentially be beneficial to me. Once things open up, I'm totally jumping ship. Sure, it'll be a bit of a familiar setting but it's better than what I'm doing now. I hope things work out in my favor. I need something. I'm hungry for it. When the opportunity presents itself, I'll be sinking my teeth deep into it~

Currently: trying to contact Steamboat Hotel to cancel my reservation before going to work~

Lease~

As one would expect, being labled as a "loan-shark" isn't all that cracked up to be. No hired thugs, no breaking fingers, nothing of the sort. However, I'm still viewd as being the bad guy. Collections aren"t fun for anyone. What's strange about htis industry is that I can either be your savior or your worst enemy. What this experience has taught me is that, in times of despair, people will go to great lengths to get out of harms way or to survive for that matter. Sure, there are those who use this service for its intended purpose: a SHORT-TERM solution for financial distress. Then there are those who become so reliant on lenders that it's a part of life. It's almost like another tax. Fees are ridiculous. It's a trap to "roll-over" a loan. Imagine if you took out a $500 loan with a finance charge of $75. This makes your total amount due at $575. Now, you're eligible to "roll-over" your loan to your next payday and only need to pay $75. Imagine rolling over that loan for an entire year. Assuming you're paid on a bi-weekly schedule (26 times a year), it adds up to $1950 a year! That's money that you've spent just to keep a loan open. People really are reliant on these kinds of things. It's a trap~

It has also shown me how greedy people can be. It's almost animalistic how people can get. There are those who desperately try to get a loan. They beg and plead. Once they get it and they're due, they want nothing to do with you. They'll lie, cheat, avoid you, whatever they can. They come for the money but never plan to repay. By law, we can fuck this person over hardcore. On the contract, there's a LOT we could do to these people. They give up a lot of their rights when taking a loan. It's not only the customers who act selfishly, thought. The employees in the industry themselves are corrupt. Initially, we're here to help people in need. However, once that customer walks out the door, they become nothing more than a number; a statistic. I hear it everyday from my superior, "Where's the MONEY~!? I NEED the money~!!"

Just the other day, I had called a customer to remind her of her due date and she literally began to cry because she said my manager had made her feel like a lower-class citizen. She said she never wants to come to the center anymore because she's never felt so belittled in her life. Yes, it's embarrassing to have to do something like go to a payday-advance establishment. But with these finanacial times, it's hard not to. People are losing their jobs left and right and I sympathize for them. There are so many people reliant on their tax returns that it's depressing. My superiors believe that they just don't want to pay and they're lying. When they hear "I just got laid off from my job and I'm waiting for my returns," the first thought that comes to their minds are "They're lying, they just don't want to pay." We ARE going through a financial crisis. People ARE getting laid off/losing their jobs. There are things more important than paying back a loan right now. I'm sure I've screwed people out of rent money when I have to do bank runs. I'm sure I've made someone (or a few people) homeless. For that, I apologize. I'm not exactly a good samaritan but it really does pain me to know that I'm potentially responsible for ruining peoples' lives. Quite honestly, I can't be in this position anymore. I truly feel that the longer I remain in this kind of position, I'll slowly lose my humanity for my fellow man~

....................................................................................................................................................................

On a ligher note, it seems like the season for relationships to bloom. My best friend/rival on the east coast has found himself someone he's totally head-over-heals for (I've never seen him this excited over anyone before). My comrade has earned himself the title of Arima-Delta. And I, personally, have relit a fading fire that has grown to be a blazing flame once more. Spring tis the season for a fever. And quite honestly, I don't think that I wanna cure it. I feel that this is what everyone in the world needs. If that were the case, we'd all probably be in a better place~

Cousin and Best Friend will be arriving in CO on Sunday. What does this mean? A mixture of training and stuffing our faces. This also means taking the opportunity to pick up where we left off. Guys just being guys, just hanging out for the sake of doing it. For serious, it feels like no one knows how to hang out anymore. I will be looking forward to it. Let the hanging out commence~

I've started to settle into the new apartment quite nicely. Things are coming along at a desirable rate. I'm slowly building the place as I see fit. There are a few things that I could use to spruce things up a bit (a DVD/CD storage case, some bar-stools, maybe some curtains, a new HDTV and PS3). After purchasing a TV stand, I'll be able to use my drafting table again and I can get to working on some art to hang up on my walls. Also, it gives me an opportunity to actually get back into drawing. I mean, that's what I got my degree in, right~?

I've been reviewing this magazine on how to break into the gaming/animation business and I really need my hand in on that. I've been contemplating going back to school so I can pursue this dream. It was also motivation when my DM said "I CONTROL YOUR DESTINY" during a staff meeting. No....I control my destiny. I feel I'm destined to be an animator/designer. It's what I worked hard for. It's what I spent the majority of my life for: cultivating my skills, abilities, and techniques. I am an artist. As much as I don't like the term (I prefer illustrator), I truly am an artist. It's what I was born to do. It's what I am destined to be~

I've also been thinking about my current position in life in comparison to my comrades. Honestly, I feel stuck in life. People are planning on retirement or moving out of the country to live happily ever after and here I am, still trying to get by in D-Town. I need some international contacts or something. I need a plan. I need to set higher goals. I need to take control of my life and become what I want to be. I suppose it's an accumulation of what's been happening around me and comparing my status to others. And I, being the type of person I am, refuse to be outdone. At the minimum, I refuse to be left behind~

So a message for friends, family, rivals, loved ones, and enemies alike:

"I just found more motivation in life so get ready because you will be seeing a better BRAD than you can imagine~"

Currently: strategically planning my next move~

Settling~

The final stages of transitioning from the old to the new are under way. All that's left to do is to clean the old place and turn in the keys and I shall forever be done with Brittany Manor. The place was a hell-hole. I believe only 3 people knew where I lived at for the last 6 months. Everyone else was left in the dark. Even my own family didn't know where I lived. Once March begins, I will no longer be embarrassed to show people what I call "home." There are many plans for the new place. I've been scoping out a bunch of funiture (or accent furniture) to enhance the contemporary look I'm aiming for. Once I get that awesome-o futon from Target, a nice TV stand, and a portal to my slumber-sanctuary, it'll start to look pretty schway. All that follows is a nice coffee table, some bar stools, a 40" HDTV, and a next-gen system (preferably a PS3 since it'll double as a blu-ray player), I plan on throwing a long-overdue house-warming party. How long, you may ask? About 6 years overdue~

With moving and other purchases that had to be made, I'm sad to see my savings disappear. After receiving my tax returns, I was quite happy to see that I was able to get it at the desired minimum. The car-fund was finally under way. I was intent on not touching that savings for a good while. But due to the holiday that came about this month, not to mention Restaurant Week (Rodizio's is the SHIT by the way), and a replacement PS2 for the lady (her dad intends on paying me back), my credit card has taken a turn for the worse. So, with that said, "Goodbye, savings account" as it found its way into paying off the credit card. Rent's coming up in a few days and I get paid tomorrow. That means the majority of my paycheck will go into the new residence and my savings will have to be placed in the back seat. This will not derail me from making my promise of getting a car this year. I've promised myself that it WILL happen. I made getting this new apartment happen (and many know how I long I wanted this place and how much it seemed like an impossiblity), I can make getting a car happen. It can...It will~

Once I'm all moved in, I will definitely have to find a new job. Sure, many people are concerned about the economy/job market and the wise thing to do is to try and keep the current job a person has. I believe that to be all good and whatever but last weekend, I ran into a possible robbery and I'm not too thrilled to be employed as a financial saint (or devil if you prefer). The story goes as follows:

On Friday night towards closing, one of our main branches was robbed at gunpoint. The following morning, 3 centers (not necessarily CN2C but other similar services) were hit by the same people all before 12PM. Hearing of this news, I jotted down any information from 18008 and watched for anything suspicious out my window. I needed to make a bank run. Upon returning from my errand, I made 1 or 2 passes around the parking lot to make sure I didn't see anything that might resemble anything from the description given to me. As I pull into a parking spot, this SUV pulls right in front of the store and waits idle as a guy comes out of the passenger seat (as if on a mission) and heads for the main door. I'm sitting in the truck as I'm watching this guy try to forcibly enter the center. After several attempts, he angrily gets inside the SUV and they drive off~

Now, I know some of you may be thinking "What if it was just a customer that needed to take out a loan?" I thought that too but if it were really a customer, they would know that a transaction isn't exactly in-and-out so there would be no reason for any car to be running idle. Secondly, if at first, the door is locked, there's no reason for the customer to repeatedly try to force the door open with all his strength. Not to mention, the culprits matched the description of the individuals who were conducting the robberies across the area. I don't know about the general public, but I'm not really too thrilled about getting held at gun-point while on the job. Unless I'm in the armed forces, law enforcement, or fighting space aliens, there is no reason at all to be anywhere near a firearm let alone have one pointed at me. I need out of there and fast~

As always (I believe it'll remain a forever constant much like the pythagorean theorum), anything's better than the bookstore. If you get the chance, go to http://www.mscd.edu/~themet/ and look for the article entitled "Sales Staff Shocked By Firings."

Currently: not looking forward to cleaning the old place~

Replenish~

Times have been a bit easier lately, however, I'm still in this paradoxial situation. As much as I hate my current place of employment (probably more than my former...and that's saying a lot), I'm making quite an increase in terms of income. On average, I'd say 10-20 hours of overtime. Indeed, that sounds fantastic. Unfortunately, my apartment situation requests that I make less. If I make too much, I no longer qualify for this desired place of residence. Odd...you'd think that the more money you make, the easier it would be to pay rent (my case, it'd be $633). But with an income restriction of $25k, that might hinder things a bit. It seems like the place wants me to put all my money into rent. I need some spend for myself, you know. After consulting a new leasing manager at the new place, she believes that I do qualify (even with my overtime). I'm glad that she's done her math wrong because I want this place. If I don't get it, then I'm a bit screwed in terms of finding a home. It'd be damn near impossible to find a new place in 2 weeks. A month, I can do. Half that? Yeah....If I were Bill Gates~

Speaking of the move, I'm slacking in terms of preparation. I've packed two boxes so far and they consist of books and cds. My apartment still looks pretty cluttered. It just looks slightly cleaner. I have a lot of work ahead of me in a week. The expected move-in date is Feb 18 (next wednesday, folks~). It's time to drop it into overdrive and get to husslin'~

With the absense of an instructor, motivation for training has yet again slowed. With news of The Wave receiving his instruments of defense, I'm going to have to order myself a pair to get to partners training. The instruments I have for solo training would decimate his. Besides, I'm gonna have to tone up a bit. I need to look sexy (for myself and for the lady)~

The desire to play Rock Band has increased since BHG's outing at Best Buy. Playing on Hard is so much more different than Medium. So much more fun. That stupid little key keeps throwing me off but I'm sure I'll get the hang of it. And thanks to Rock Band, the soundings of Paramore starts to grow on me. Not bad, not bad~

As for final words of this entry, to my comrades~
"The last dinner was amazing. That crab and ice cream was a dream. We will definitely have to have another outing come the reunion in 2 months~"

Currently: Waiting for my direct deposit tax returns~

The Return of the Gangstah~

It feels like an eternity since I've touched a computer for leisurely purposes. This is actually the first time I've been on xanga for....shit, I dunno. But what has happened since then~?

It will be approaching 2 months since I've started working at desperarte people's Goddess of Mercy (that being a loan place). I've been making many runs to banks, spending plenty of hours at work (almost 10 Hours a day) for roughly 6 days a week (so far, my only days off are sundays and holidays). As for the bad news: my mentor, Amber, was fired yesterday afternoon almost immediately after I returned from one of my many bank runs. Reason being is because she was unable to get our center to close on certain guidelines. This has me worried because now, I'm the only one left to run the center. So now, the only days off I'll ever get are Sundays (until the DM decides to hire someone new). I can either look at this two different ways: A) I'll hopefully become promoted to center manager or B) I need to look for a new job ASAP. I look forward to potentially becoming manager after only 2 months. However, I fear that if my manager was unable to get our numbers up, what hope do I, her trainee, have of accomplishing what she couldn't? Indeed, the days/nights have been stressful~

The weekends have been filled with movie rentals. I strongly recommend NOT renting "Internet Dating" starring Katt Williams and Master P. Screenplay is by Romeo. It really looks like someone had done the whole recording off a camcorder. Sound is terrible. Special effects...think Pop-Up Video. As for acting....I could shit better acting than that movie~

Christmas was a quiet one. I received Kingdom Hearts: RE: Chain of Memories. It's hard, I dunno how I feel about it. However, I've decided I'm going to finish it. The next game I wanna get is B-Boy. Jonathan had just purchased the Japanese Version of Dissidia. It's quite intense. I eagerly await the US release. New Years was quite an experience. Headed to Downtown to watch fireworks. Tried to have dinner but that was kind of a failure. Also, with nothing to eat that entire day, one cup of blue moon was enough to get me feeling a little dizzy. Shameful, indeed~

My persistence for a certain desired living quarter rises ever so greatly with each passing day. The desire is that much more stronger since I'll have to give my 30-days for my current residence soon. I hope that I'll get it in the near future though. I want to actually have a place where I'm not embarrassed to show. As I recall, I don't think any of my family members have seen my current residence. That's a damn shame~

"If it wasn't for text messages, I would've thought you've fallen off the face of the earth." -Jonathan

"Gee...Thanks...." -Me

Currently Reading: The Count of Monte Cristo~
Currently Desiring: time off from work~