As of late, I find myself staying in more often. I don't have much desire (or money) to go out on weekends. My life has become pretty mundane and, despite not making as much money as I did two years ago, I'm actually quite content with that. At the same time, it does get a little lonely. Because of this, it was a breath of fresh air when my best friend from college [let's call her "J-Prime"] had decided to hit me up to hang out~
A little background: I met this person in 2005 shortly after a major break-up. I had just came back from a [recovery] vacation of sorts and she was someone that I needed to train. I don't remember the details but when we first met, she had challenged me to a fight (she later explained that she didn't want some buster to be the boss of her). And, according to her, I had gladly/eagerly accepted. To which she said "Nevermind, let's be best friends instead." There was a time when she and I had lost contact (primarily due to our respective SO's) but after all that, we had reconnected when she moved back to Colorado from Los Angeles. Although we don't hang out as much as we used to, spending time with her is always appreciated and it's something I look forward to~
Back to the story: she had texted me early Friday afternoon and asked if I had any plans for the evening. Because of my lack of interest in going to clubs/bars, I was free and we had decided to go to a nearby driving range. "Nothing like contacting things with force and velocity." As we swung at golf balls from a rooftop with novice form, we got to talking about the ideas of "hanging out just for the sake of appreciating the company of others". I guess that sounds like a normal thing but this is also without the aid of some kind of external influence (drugs and/or alcohol). And the more I thought about it, within my immediate circle of friends, I have [maybe] 5 close friends that I can hang out with in that capacity~
Some time ago, there was this person that I hung out with on a regular basis (almost daily, in fact). One of the things that I loved most about spending time with her was that, despite her appearances, she was really wholesome and would rather sit in than go out. That all changed last year when she and her SO had parted ways. From there, it seems like it's a constant downward spiral of trying to rediscover herself. These days, I can't recall a conversation that doesn't come around to "I got soooo drunk/high" or "I'm super hung over right now" and, to be quite honest, it got old VERY fast. I mean, I get it: I'm a firm believer that everyone has that time to themselves to "schloot it up" and figure things out. It starts to become a problem, however, when a person says "I need to get my shit together" but doesn't do anything to make those steps~
So as J-Prime and I were talking over driving-range (and later, over dinner), we made the realization that there's something great about being in your 30s. For me, personally, I'm nowhere near where I want to be or where I thought I SHOULD be. However, I know what it is that I want out of life and where I want to go. That "balls to the wall" lifestyle is something that I can't handle (even when I was that age in my early-mid 20s). It was a phase that I did go through and it was something that I grew out of. Been there, done that. I won't discredit those experiences as it helped what shaped me to who I am today~
The concept of "Peter Pan Syndrome" came into conversation with J-Prime. She describes this as someone spending time with people way younger than their age demographic as a means to stay in that "glory days" mentality. So this is constant hedonistic amorality and the like~
The reason why I bring up "PPS" is because we'd (J-Prime and I) like to think that as you get older, you become wiser and more refined. For example, in your 30s, you should probably consider eating at places that have a refined taste rather than Hooters because "their wings have gotten better." The other thing about growing older is that one of the things that becomes more precious is TIME. As you mature, you have less time so you appreciate what time you do have and choose to spend it appropriately~
As mentioned previously, there's only so much "I got soooo drunk/high", "I'm super hung over right now", or "I need to get my life together" I can take. Quite frankly, it's exhausting. I don't have the time or energy to waste on something so trivial (and to be honest, kind of upsetting). As much as I appreciate the friendship, I don't feel that it's worth holding onto [at this point in time]. Perhaps I was infatuated with the image of what/how things used to be. It's in the past now and there's no CTRL+Z in life~
I'll be turning 36 this year. I realize that I don't have to make new friends at this age. What I do need to do is maintain the friendships I DO have that aren't toxic. If I do meet new people, I would prefer them to be like-minded. Mainly, I would like to associate myself with people that know what they want out of life. I would like to associate myself with people that motivate me [mentally/physically/emotionally/spiritually]. By social standards, I'm not young anymore. I don't need people in their mid-late 20s/early 30s with and adolescent mindset holding me back. The world is big and I don't have the time/energy to spare to let it all slip away~
Sunday, May 26, 2019
Tuesday, July 3, 2018
Revelation of Purpose~
This is [more or less] a continuation of my last post. More specifically, CASE 2.
So as I've mentioned in the last one, I started hanging out with this person last year on a regular basis. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what warranted us hanging out. She was in a long-term relationship and both she and her boyfriend appreciated my company (sometimes, they'd play-argue with each other because one got to hang out with me and the other didn't). It was like I was the metaphorical "adopted puppy" of this relationship. This was also around the time when I had parted ways with my previous place of employment. I had a LOT of free time, all of a sudden. That being said, I hung out with this couple [almost] daily. I talked with the female side of this couple every day. She would call me during her lunch break (this was also my wake-up call to get up and job hunt)~
Another thing I should point out is that when her boyfriend would start working again, I was [basically] the surrogate boyfriend in his place. Often times, he would introduce/describe me as "the girlfriend's boyfriend." Simply put, I would do all the boyfriend things (like keeping her company, going out to eat, shopping, run errands, etc) while he did all the boyfriend things (the intimacy aspect). In many respects, I felt very guilty for spending so much time with her. I don't think it was my place or my right to hang out with her so much. I'm sure that the boyfriend had some kind of underlying animosity towards the whole thing. Maybe he just played it cool or he knew that I wouldn't attempt anything (she was part of Attack of the 'Ay, afterall). Still, I personally didn't feel completely comfortable being the Third in this group~
There's also another detail that I should bring up: these two argued a LOT. They fought about any and every thing. Initially, I just thought their dynamic was to take jabs at each other. However, at some point, I started to feel that my presence helped as a deterrent from the arguing. You know, maybe having a mutual friend around might keep them from each others' throats. But eventually, that was no longer the case. They would argue in front of me as if I weren't even there. It made me wonder if I was even supposed to be there; if I was making things worse. I also wondered why these two were even together. On separate occasions, they both expressed to me that they weren't happy with each other. Their existence to each other was almost unbearable. They just stayed together because it was the norm; it was familiar. In actuality, they were toxic for each other (their situation reminded me of my own relationship with J*****)~
It was around this time that I started hanging out with the girlfriend more frequently. Nothing ever got intimate between me and her (again, she's Attack of the 'Ay and I refuse to break that rule ever again. Besides, she was still [technically] in a relationship. Morally speaking, it would be wrong to do anything while she was still spoken for). We did, however, become closer. I can't say that I became a type of mentor-figure but I was certainly someone that she could talk to when she needed to get thoughts/frustrations off her chest (I was probably the first person she'd contact if there was something she needed to talk about). I don't know if it was because I might've been a good listener or if I gave constructive feedback but whatever the case was, I could expect to see her name/picture on my phone at various times of the day. I could expect to hear her voice for hours on end. Sometimes, she would invite me to just drive anywhere with her to take her mind off the troubles from the homefront. Or she would invite me over just to keep her company while the boyfriend was either at work or if he had abruptly left due to an argument or whatever the case might've been~
Was it desperation? Did she need somewhere/someone to escape to? Was I that person? I suppose, on an emotional level, maybe I was. I can't say that I've developed feelings for her (knowing that doing so would go against every moral fiber in my body). However, I did have a sense of urgency to be there when she needed me. I was her emotional support. I kept her grounded. I was the voice of reason that kept her from doing something reckless. I felt like I may have meant something to her. The hang-outs, the long talks, being able to express feelings with confidence; maybe I might be on that Best Friend level. Or even the other way around. Maybe I may have found someone I could add to my small Best Friend list. However............
Their relationship got so bad, it eventually resulted in them breaking up. I was present for their last day as a couple (this was maybe 2 months ago, give or take). I watched it unfold from a simple hypothetical question to a full-blown fight. The following day, I get news that they're no longer together and she has to move out. I still tried to be there for both of them during this transition period (more for her than him as he seemed to be doing his own thing almost immediately). There was talks that I would move in with her and another mutual friend (who also just-so-happened to break up with her boyfriend as well). As the weeks went on, this idea of an otaku union trifecta faded away. As this idea faded, so did the talks and hanging out~
I believe that after any hard break-up, then a person has the right to do whatever it is they need to in order to cope/get over their previous significant other. You know the saying; "You do you, boo. You do you." Maybe consider this a means of soul-searching. However, as this period starts to get underway, I noticed an almost dramatic 180 change in her. All the things that attracted me to her in the first place was all but gone. No longer did the humble, wholesome homebody exist. Now, there was this woman who was 'wildin' out' every night. She essentially became a vulgar party-girl. In the past, she had expressed this was a type that she never wanted to associate with. In a matter of weeks, [I feel] she became exactly that. Also, the talks and hanging out became less frequent. It's almost to the point to where we just don't talk anymore. Before, she would be the one to initiate conversation (it wasn't always about advice or expressing frustration. Sometimes, it would be just to talk). Nowadays, we would barely communicate via messenger and it would only be me initiating this time. And even then, no longer present are the long messages; rather, one-word unreplyables~
One day, she had actually called me. I don't recall what the conversation was about but it wasn't something we'd regularly talk about in the past. I had told her that I honestly didn't know who she was anymore. She was certainly not the same person I got to know. And like I said, I understand that this is her time to get out there and see what the world has to offer but I don't think it should cost no longer talking with a friend that you invested x time and energy.
This truly affected me. I had initially thought it was something I did wrong. I ended up becoming a bit anti-social and closed myself off to everyone. I thought that I was a bad friend. Maybe I had to do some soul-searching myself. I needed to figure out what it was that made me feel this way. But during that time, I did my normal day-to-day routine. I didn't do anything different. Maybe it's just me but, I didn't do anything that would warrant being ignored/cast off~
Honestly, the only thing I could think of was the correlation between their time as a couple. While they were together (granted, they were both miserable but they were still technically together), interactions were on a consistent basis. From the time they broke up, she and I had drifted further apart to where we just don't communicate anymore. I feel like that, this whole time, maybe I was just a place-holder (in the sense that my presence kept her in that place of misery with her former boyfriend). I feel like so long as she had something to express distaste for, then I would be there for her to listen. Now that he's no longer a part of her life, neither am I. I don't have a place or a reason to be there~
Now I know what you're thinking: "If you feel that strongly about it, why don't YOU make the first move and talk to her instead of complaining about it?" Well, if you look at 4 paragraphs prior, I DID make the first move [multiple times] and was only met with bland, unenthused responses. Heck, the last time I saw her, I even came forward about feeling like a bad friend for not keeping in touch as I should. And [it felt like] I was met with a passive response. That sparkle in her eyes that she'd get when we'd talk had burned out. It's no longer there. That [potential] "best friend" was no longer there. To quote one of my favorite cosplayers:
" "That's just the way I am" is such a cop out. Yes, we should absolutely love who we are; but we should also always want to learn and grow as a person so that we can be the best us we can be...especially if "who you are" is hurting others and your loved ones."
-Raychul Moore
For the time being, I can chalk this up to a lost friendship. It's been downgraded to an acquaintance. Like I said, I'm just gonna let her be and follow that whole "You do you, boo." Whether my role in her life was just a temporary afterthought or not, I'll leave that up to her. I would've expressed this to her but, she's certainly not available anymore. So I'm doing this via a blog that no one will probably ever read. And that's fine. This is my therapy; and she has hers. But at this point, I'll just leave it up to her to decide my role in her life. If I was just an ear for her to express frustrations on, that's fine. To me, it's just a bit of a f*cked up way to base a friendship on and an even more f*cked up way to let one end~
So as I've mentioned in the last one, I started hanging out with this person last year on a regular basis. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what warranted us hanging out. She was in a long-term relationship and both she and her boyfriend appreciated my company (sometimes, they'd play-argue with each other because one got to hang out with me and the other didn't). It was like I was the metaphorical "adopted puppy" of this relationship. This was also around the time when I had parted ways with my previous place of employment. I had a LOT of free time, all of a sudden. That being said, I hung out with this couple [almost] daily. I talked with the female side of this couple every day. She would call me during her lunch break (this was also my wake-up call to get up and job hunt)~
Another thing I should point out is that when her boyfriend would start working again, I was [basically] the surrogate boyfriend in his place. Often times, he would introduce/describe me as "the girlfriend's boyfriend." Simply put, I would do all the boyfriend things (like keeping her company, going out to eat, shopping, run errands, etc) while he did all the boyfriend things (the intimacy aspect). In many respects, I felt very guilty for spending so much time with her. I don't think it was my place or my right to hang out with her so much. I'm sure that the boyfriend had some kind of underlying animosity towards the whole thing. Maybe he just played it cool or he knew that I wouldn't attempt anything (she was part of Attack of the 'Ay, afterall). Still, I personally didn't feel completely comfortable being the Third in this group~
There's also another detail that I should bring up: these two argued a LOT. They fought about any and every thing. Initially, I just thought their dynamic was to take jabs at each other. However, at some point, I started to feel that my presence helped as a deterrent from the arguing. You know, maybe having a mutual friend around might keep them from each others' throats. But eventually, that was no longer the case. They would argue in front of me as if I weren't even there. It made me wonder if I was even supposed to be there; if I was making things worse. I also wondered why these two were even together. On separate occasions, they both expressed to me that they weren't happy with each other. Their existence to each other was almost unbearable. They just stayed together because it was the norm; it was familiar. In actuality, they were toxic for each other (their situation reminded me of my own relationship with J*****)~
It was around this time that I started hanging out with the girlfriend more frequently. Nothing ever got intimate between me and her (again, she's Attack of the 'Ay and I refuse to break that rule ever again. Besides, she was still [technically] in a relationship. Morally speaking, it would be wrong to do anything while she was still spoken for). We did, however, become closer. I can't say that I became a type of mentor-figure but I was certainly someone that she could talk to when she needed to get thoughts/frustrations off her chest (I was probably the first person she'd contact if there was something she needed to talk about). I don't know if it was because I might've been a good listener or if I gave constructive feedback but whatever the case was, I could expect to see her name/picture on my phone at various times of the day. I could expect to hear her voice for hours on end. Sometimes, she would invite me to just drive anywhere with her to take her mind off the troubles from the homefront. Or she would invite me over just to keep her company while the boyfriend was either at work or if he had abruptly left due to an argument or whatever the case might've been~
Was it desperation? Did she need somewhere/someone to escape to? Was I that person? I suppose, on an emotional level, maybe I was. I can't say that I've developed feelings for her (knowing that doing so would go against every moral fiber in my body). However, I did have a sense of urgency to be there when she needed me. I was her emotional support. I kept her grounded. I was the voice of reason that kept her from doing something reckless. I felt like I may have meant something to her. The hang-outs, the long talks, being able to express feelings with confidence; maybe I might be on that Best Friend level. Or even the other way around. Maybe I may have found someone I could add to my small Best Friend list. However............
Their relationship got so bad, it eventually resulted in them breaking up. I was present for their last day as a couple (this was maybe 2 months ago, give or take). I watched it unfold from a simple hypothetical question to a full-blown fight. The following day, I get news that they're no longer together and she has to move out. I still tried to be there for both of them during this transition period (more for her than him as he seemed to be doing his own thing almost immediately). There was talks that I would move in with her and another mutual friend (who also just-so-happened to break up with her boyfriend as well). As the weeks went on, this idea of an otaku union trifecta faded away. As this idea faded, so did the talks and hanging out~
I believe that after any hard break-up, then a person has the right to do whatever it is they need to in order to cope/get over their previous significant other. You know the saying; "You do you, boo. You do you." Maybe consider this a means of soul-searching. However, as this period starts to get underway, I noticed an almost dramatic 180 change in her. All the things that attracted me to her in the first place was all but gone. No longer did the humble, wholesome homebody exist. Now, there was this woman who was 'wildin' out' every night. She essentially became a vulgar party-girl. In the past, she had expressed this was a type that she never wanted to associate with. In a matter of weeks, [I feel] she became exactly that. Also, the talks and hanging out became less frequent. It's almost to the point to where we just don't talk anymore. Before, she would be the one to initiate conversation (it wasn't always about advice or expressing frustration. Sometimes, it would be just to talk). Nowadays, we would barely communicate via messenger and it would only be me initiating this time. And even then, no longer present are the long messages; rather, one-word unreplyables~
One day, she had actually called me. I don't recall what the conversation was about but it wasn't something we'd regularly talk about in the past. I had told her that I honestly didn't know who she was anymore. She was certainly not the same person I got to know. And like I said, I understand that this is her time to get out there and see what the world has to offer but I don't think it should cost no longer talking with a friend that you invested x time and energy.
This truly affected me. I had initially thought it was something I did wrong. I ended up becoming a bit anti-social and closed myself off to everyone. I thought that I was a bad friend. Maybe I had to do some soul-searching myself. I needed to figure out what it was that made me feel this way. But during that time, I did my normal day-to-day routine. I didn't do anything different. Maybe it's just me but, I didn't do anything that would warrant being ignored/cast off~
Honestly, the only thing I could think of was the correlation between their time as a couple. While they were together (granted, they were both miserable but they were still technically together), interactions were on a consistent basis. From the time they broke up, she and I had drifted further apart to where we just don't communicate anymore. I feel like that, this whole time, maybe I was just a place-holder (in the sense that my presence kept her in that place of misery with her former boyfriend). I feel like so long as she had something to express distaste for, then I would be there for her to listen. Now that he's no longer a part of her life, neither am I. I don't have a place or a reason to be there~
Now I know what you're thinking: "If you feel that strongly about it, why don't YOU make the first move and talk to her instead of complaining about it?" Well, if you look at 4 paragraphs prior, I DID make the first move [multiple times] and was only met with bland, unenthused responses. Heck, the last time I saw her, I even came forward about feeling like a bad friend for not keeping in touch as I should. And [it felt like] I was met with a passive response. That sparkle in her eyes that she'd get when we'd talk had burned out. It's no longer there. That [potential] "best friend" was no longer there. To quote one of my favorite cosplayers:
" "That's just the way I am" is such a cop out. Yes, we should absolutely love who we are; but we should also always want to learn and grow as a person so that we can be the best us we can be...especially if "who you are" is hurting others and your loved ones."
-Raychul Moore
For the time being, I can chalk this up to a lost friendship. It's been downgraded to an acquaintance. Like I said, I'm just gonna let her be and follow that whole "You do you, boo." Whether my role in her life was just a temporary afterthought or not, I'll leave that up to her. I would've expressed this to her but, she's certainly not available anymore. So I'm doing this via a blog that no one will probably ever read. And that's fine. This is my therapy; and she has hers. But at this point, I'll just leave it up to her to decide my role in her life. If I was just an ear for her to express frustrations on, that's fine. To me, it's just a bit of a f*cked up way to base a friendship on and an even more f*cked up way to let one end~
Saturday, June 23, 2018
Consistent Inconsistency
I've started to notice a bit of a trend: Close Lady-Friendships [for me] seem to have (about) a 1-Year Life Expectancy~
CASE 1:
In 2016, I started hanging out with a particular person on a regular basis. We were both part of the local Club/Dance Scene and had a lot of mutual friends so we eventually met up. I think it was our shared appreciation for stuffing our faces with food prompted a closer connection (typically consisted of late-night fooding adventures). At some point, we referred to each other as "Fooding Fiancé/Fiancée". It got to a point where people believed we were dating. Nothing ever happened as neither of us saw each other as any kind of prospect. We were just good friends that liked to go out to eat. The late night outings became less frequent until we eventually became more like acquaintances~
CASE 2:
2017, I started regularly hanging out with another individual from the Club/Dance Scene. I believe this started happening after a large group-outing. We eventually became closer friends through a shared appreciation of [Eastern] Pop Culture. I think this friendship might've been a bit more questionable to outside peers [given the circumstance] but much like Case 1, I believe neither of us saw/see each other as any kind of prospect. In recent events, interaction has been limited and maybe even neglected~
I understand that I'm also partly responsible for both cases. I should probably make more of an effort to maintain contact. I've been told that I do have a habit of believing in Self-Fulfilling Prophecies; more accurately, placing Self-Fulfilling Prophecies on myself. But with both cases, in the given circumstance (let it be school, work, personal life, etc), I find myself wondering if my presence is needed or not and, in the end, my mind leads me to believe that the best course of action is to give the person space. You know what they say: "You do you, boo. You do you." Let it be soul-searching or whatever, it's the course that I [personally] would take. I have to realize, however, that they AREN'T me. The thing is, I'm TERRIBLE at reading people. Because of this, I have this fear that I'll overstep my boundaries. That's something I don't want to do~
Then again, here I am, looking for CASE 3. I have a different feeling about this one as our chance meeting seemed too good to be true (sitting in the same Starbucks hoping to run into her again). In retrospect, I should probably put more effort into CASE1 & 2 to [at least] maintain that same level of friendship. Or do I take a different route and hope to meet [potential] CASE 3 and start from scratch? Either way, the idea is to maintain consistency. Rather, maybe do something to break the trend. You know, because "Self-Fulfilling Prophecies" or whatever~
CASE 1:
In 2016, I started hanging out with a particular person on a regular basis. We were both part of the local Club/Dance Scene and had a lot of mutual friends so we eventually met up. I think it was our shared appreciation for stuffing our faces with food prompted a closer connection (typically consisted of late-night fooding adventures). At some point, we referred to each other as "Fooding Fiancé/Fiancée". It got to a point where people believed we were dating. Nothing ever happened as neither of us saw each other as any kind of prospect. We were just good friends that liked to go out to eat. The late night outings became less frequent until we eventually became more like acquaintances~
CASE 2:
2017, I started regularly hanging out with another individual from the Club/Dance Scene. I believe this started happening after a large group-outing. We eventually became closer friends through a shared appreciation of [Eastern] Pop Culture. I think this friendship might've been a bit more questionable to outside peers [given the circumstance] but much like Case 1, I believe neither of us saw/see each other as any kind of prospect. In recent events, interaction has been limited and maybe even neglected~
I understand that I'm also partly responsible for both cases. I should probably make more of an effort to maintain contact. I've been told that I do have a habit of believing in Self-Fulfilling Prophecies; more accurately, placing Self-Fulfilling Prophecies on myself. But with both cases, in the given circumstance (let it be school, work, personal life, etc), I find myself wondering if my presence is needed or not and, in the end, my mind leads me to believe that the best course of action is to give the person space. You know what they say: "You do you, boo. You do you." Let it be soul-searching or whatever, it's the course that I [personally] would take. I have to realize, however, that they AREN'T me. The thing is, I'm TERRIBLE at reading people. Because of this, I have this fear that I'll overstep my boundaries. That's something I don't want to do~
Then again, here I am, looking for CASE 3. I have a different feeling about this one as our chance meeting seemed too good to be true (sitting in the same Starbucks hoping to run into her again). In retrospect, I should probably put more effort into CASE1 & 2 to [at least] maintain that same level of friendship. Or do I take a different route and hope to meet [potential] CASE 3 and start from scratch? Either way, the idea is to maintain consistency. Rather, maybe do something to break the trend. You know, because "Self-Fulfilling Prophecies" or whatever~
Monday, September 4, 2017
Moral Ambiguity
It's been well over 2 years since I've last posted a blog. A lot has happened since then. Some follow-up:
-Despite having the tools to do it, I still haven't produced any tracks~
-I think I've established my identity as a DJ (in terms of knowing my sh*t). I still don't like being in the spotlight but it's apparent that I know my way around some decks~
-To add onto the previous point, I FINALLY completed my DJ set-up. I also go to play a few gigs. Most notable was my debut as BotoMaki at The Lounge at BETA NightClub on April 2016. This has garnered a few fans in terms of my musicality and style~
-I was previously employed in a position where I made a substantial amount of money (maybe a 40% increase of what I was previously making on my annual income). Unfortunately, I'm no longer employed at said company and currently looking for something that would cater to my strengths~
-I got into vlogging for a little bit. My YouTube channel is still a little bit of a mix-bag but I haven't uploaded a vlog in a while (I still need to edit a video of my Chicago trip from May 2017 for my cousin's wedding)~
These are just a few things that's happened since the last blog entry. However, that's not the main point of today's entry. As the title suggests, I'm having an internal struggle on what I should do/think regarding two particular situations. Let's go over those, shall we~?
*********************************************************************************
SCENARIO ONE:
When I first got into DJing, I would have scheduled practices at a friend's house. Eventually, I became established/confident with my own abilities. After finally completing my DJ Set-Up and gaining a small following from the few gigs I've had, I started to hold practices at my place. The primary reason is that some of the newer generation of DJs don't have a place to practice on the club-standard gear so I've opened my place up for those wanting to learn the equipment~
During this time, I started to grow apart from a former teacher. He went down a path of popularity where I went towards individual integrity. We didn't always see eye to eye so our ideologies would often conflict. Not sure if it was a seniority complex but he would try and downplay my abilities (despite our peers acknowledging my advancements. Dare I say, even surpassing him in terms of skill). Did that make him resentful or something? I don't know. Anyways, as time passed, there have been times when he'd [for lack of better words] screw me over. One example: while we had a B2B gig at a local club, he failed to mention a certain setting switch-up on the equipment. This caused me to majorly flub my portion of the set and made me look amateur when it mattered and simply said "I thought you knew what you were doing" in the most underhanded, dickish way possible. Another example [unrelated to DJing] was when he didn't want to help me jump-start my car. Despite him living [literally] a 5-minute drive away from my location, he suggested I sign up with AAA, pay a monthly fee, and have them come over to help me. He didn't want to help me because he know how to jump a battery from his then-new car. A friend from Colorado Springs drove 70 miles to help me out. My battery died completely. I had to buy a new battery. Turned out, I didn't have the tools to actually swap my battery so I ending having to buy additional tools. This ended up costing me upwards $200 total. I later went to the club because I needed a drink. I saw him at the club and asked if I was all good. I told him he was a bad friend and he cost me $xxx.xx because he was being a dick and not wanting to help me jump my car. He then bought me 1 beer then thought we were all good. The most recent example of his disrespect was when he added a bunch of strangers to my practice sessions without informing me. Keep in mind, these are strangers to ME but are notorious to talking shit about other local DJs. My practices are meant for the newcomers that shouldn't have to deal with the back-talking and bullsh*t politics that's predominant in the local scene (this is the reason why I was never proactive about making it as a DJ in the local scene as it's the kind of stuff that my heroes had to deal with). To sum it up, he's essentially a bad, disrespectful person and only really does anything for friends if it's convenient for his benefit~
This brings me to my dilemma: He had presented me an opportunity to play at one of the major EDM events this year. However, it has to be a B2B session with him and it has to go through one of the main figures in the local scene. "You'll get to play at one of the biggest shows in Denver so what's the problem?" As I've previously mentioned, I'm not as ambitious as everyone else is to make a name for myself as a DJ (as expressed to me by my heroes, those who get into the scene with the sole purpose of becoming famous/popular will burn out really quick). On top of that, in order to "make it" in the local scene, you basically have to suck this main figure's dick to get anywhere. I've seen how he treats his DJs (both of local and international fame) and it's something I'd rather not be involved with. At the same time, how many opportunities do I get to play this event? Since I don't see myself ever competing in the Global Dance Festival DJ Competition anytime soon (which is bullsh*t, btw. more on that another time), I don't really see this opportunity coming by very often. My initial response was to accept (which I did). However, is it fair for me to take advantage of this situation~?
I suppose I can look at it as though it's his way of [subconsciously] paying me back for the numerous wrongs he's done me. OR I can look at it as karma and I'm presented with the opportunity to take advantage of him as he's done with me. And I guess that's where I question my moral compass regarding this specific scenario~
*********************************************************************************
SCENARIO TWO:
There's one thing I've come to live by: "Don't go into anything with a specific PLAN. Try to go into things with an IDEA. Plans tend to fail. If you don't have a PLAN, you can't get mad if the plan fails." This has carried into other facets of my life. Namely: that of relationships. In the past, I found that anytime I [actively] pursued someone, it would typically fail (see previous blogs as I've touched on my love-life and former love interests). So, with that, I've just adopted the whole "whatever happens" mentality and just went with whatever came my way~
As most of you know, I've been single for a while. My last legit relationship was back in 2010 and there was a thing back in early 2012. At minimum, it's been 5 years since my last intimate interaction (physical; emotional; or otherwise). Between then and now, I've encountered individuals that would show some kind of potential at something resembling a possible love-life. However, for whatever the circumstance, I didn't act on it. Perhaps it was because of the circumstance; or maybe this self-fulfilling prophecy I have that things are doomed to fail [when I exert any type of effort]; or maybe it can be attributed to my lack of self-esteem. Heck, it could be a combination of any of these. Either way, it's the reason why I haven't taken the initiative to do anything about it. That is....until recently [**note** "recently" is entirely subjective]~
In the last few years, I've noticed a trend: being too comfortable/complacent. I'm guilty of this as well, obviously. I've always said that I'm not actively looking to be with anyone (so I don't really have any right to complain about being single). However, in the past, I noticed that taking a passive, "whatever happens" approach worked much better in my favor. The only problem is that when something actually comes my way, I don't have the confidence to pull the trigger [prime example: see the entry from August 11, 2013 "It's Within Your Grasp So Stop Hesitating~"]. So, without making any moves and just letting things happen, I'm still in this Singles Purgatory~
Because of this, I've accepted that I'm going to be single until the unforeseeable future. Nowadays, I get more satisfaction seeing my friends happy. I think I live vicariously through their relationships. And I think my friends have accepted me as such. I think I've earned that label as "The Single Whatever Friend" or something of that nature~
After forming equal bonds with both parties, I'm never seen as a threat to the other. My position [regardless of the situation] is to remain neutral. I'm never to [initially] pick sides. I will point out positives/negatives and play the role as the mediator from time to time, but never pick sides. However, this becomes increasingly difficult when I (as an observer) favor one side over the other. As an outsider looking in, my mind tells me to express the logical course of action to take. This, unfortunately, could spell an end to an era. Trying to look passed the bias, I'm not sure how to press forward. As a friend, there's only so much I can say in terms of following an emotional or logical route. BUT, as a friend, I'm in a position to say what they may need to hear (regardless of how desirable/undesirable the outcome may be)~
The worst part about it: this could potentially put me in a position to lose people dear to me. Would it be a dick move? Which would be the greater good? For once in a long time, part of me wants to take the initiative and do something. However, this also goes against my philosophy of letting things happen for themselves. At the same time, would this redefine me as what a "true friend" should be? What about the retrospective? Although I don't have any ulterior motive for either, could I be viewed as a wolf in sheep's clothing~?
*********************************************************************************
This is the mental/emotional/moral struggle I have to deal with. It may not be an issue for some but as someone who tends to put others before myself, I'm uncertain on what I should do. Sometimes, I hate myself for being indecisive. Rather, my personality/moral compass is somewhat that of a chameleon: there's a whole lot of gray in this spectrum. I guess, if I can't decide, I can just remain complacent. But glory goes to those who take the risk. You can't win if you don't play. This is true. However, you can't lose if you don't play, either~
But hey, there's a[n] [coin-flip] app for that~
-Despite having the tools to do it, I still haven't produced any tracks~
-I think I've established my identity as a DJ (in terms of knowing my sh*t). I still don't like being in the spotlight but it's apparent that I know my way around some decks~
-To add onto the previous point, I FINALLY completed my DJ set-up. I also go to play a few gigs. Most notable was my debut as BotoMaki at The Lounge at BETA NightClub on April 2016. This has garnered a few fans in terms of my musicality and style~
-I was previously employed in a position where I made a substantial amount of money (maybe a 40% increase of what I was previously making on my annual income). Unfortunately, I'm no longer employed at said company and currently looking for something that would cater to my strengths~
-I got into vlogging for a little bit. My YouTube channel is still a little bit of a mix-bag but I haven't uploaded a vlog in a while (I still need to edit a video of my Chicago trip from May 2017 for my cousin's wedding)~
These are just a few things that's happened since the last blog entry. However, that's not the main point of today's entry. As the title suggests, I'm having an internal struggle on what I should do/think regarding two particular situations. Let's go over those, shall we~?
*********************************************************************************
SCENARIO ONE:
When I first got into DJing, I would have scheduled practices at a friend's house. Eventually, I became established/confident with my own abilities. After finally completing my DJ Set-Up and gaining a small following from the few gigs I've had, I started to hold practices at my place. The primary reason is that some of the newer generation of DJs don't have a place to practice on the club-standard gear so I've opened my place up for those wanting to learn the equipment~
During this time, I started to grow apart from a former teacher. He went down a path of popularity where I went towards individual integrity. We didn't always see eye to eye so our ideologies would often conflict. Not sure if it was a seniority complex but he would try and downplay my abilities (despite our peers acknowledging my advancements. Dare I say, even surpassing him in terms of skill). Did that make him resentful or something? I don't know. Anyways, as time passed, there have been times when he'd [for lack of better words] screw me over. One example: while we had a B2B gig at a local club, he failed to mention a certain setting switch-up on the equipment. This caused me to majorly flub my portion of the set and made me look amateur when it mattered and simply said "I thought you knew what you were doing" in the most underhanded, dickish way possible. Another example [unrelated to DJing] was when he didn't want to help me jump-start my car. Despite him living [literally] a 5-minute drive away from my location, he suggested I sign up with AAA, pay a monthly fee, and have them come over to help me. He didn't want to help me because he know how to jump a battery from his then-new car. A friend from Colorado Springs drove 70 miles to help me out. My battery died completely. I had to buy a new battery. Turned out, I didn't have the tools to actually swap my battery so I ending having to buy additional tools. This ended up costing me upwards $200 total. I later went to the club because I needed a drink. I saw him at the club and asked if I was all good. I told him he was a bad friend and he cost me $xxx.xx because he was being a dick and not wanting to help me jump my car. He then bought me 1 beer then thought we were all good. The most recent example of his disrespect was when he added a bunch of strangers to my practice sessions without informing me. Keep in mind, these are strangers to ME but are notorious to talking shit about other local DJs. My practices are meant for the newcomers that shouldn't have to deal with the back-talking and bullsh*t politics that's predominant in the local scene (this is the reason why I was never proactive about making it as a DJ in the local scene as it's the kind of stuff that my heroes had to deal with). To sum it up, he's essentially a bad, disrespectful person and only really does anything for friends if it's convenient for his benefit~
This brings me to my dilemma: He had presented me an opportunity to play at one of the major EDM events this year. However, it has to be a B2B session with him and it has to go through one of the main figures in the local scene. "You'll get to play at one of the biggest shows in Denver so what's the problem?" As I've previously mentioned, I'm not as ambitious as everyone else is to make a name for myself as a DJ (as expressed to me by my heroes, those who get into the scene with the sole purpose of becoming famous/popular will burn out really quick). On top of that, in order to "make it" in the local scene, you basically have to suck this main figure's dick to get anywhere. I've seen how he treats his DJs (both of local and international fame) and it's something I'd rather not be involved with. At the same time, how many opportunities do I get to play this event? Since I don't see myself ever competing in the Global Dance Festival DJ Competition anytime soon (which is bullsh*t, btw. more on that another time), I don't really see this opportunity coming by very often. My initial response was to accept (which I did). However, is it fair for me to take advantage of this situation~?
I suppose I can look at it as though it's his way of [subconsciously] paying me back for the numerous wrongs he's done me. OR I can look at it as karma and I'm presented with the opportunity to take advantage of him as he's done with me. And I guess that's where I question my moral compass regarding this specific scenario~
*********************************************************************************
SCENARIO TWO:
There's one thing I've come to live by: "Don't go into anything with a specific PLAN. Try to go into things with an IDEA. Plans tend to fail. If you don't have a PLAN, you can't get mad if the plan fails." This has carried into other facets of my life. Namely: that of relationships. In the past, I found that anytime I [actively] pursued someone, it would typically fail (see previous blogs as I've touched on my love-life and former love interests). So, with that, I've just adopted the whole "whatever happens" mentality and just went with whatever came my way~
As most of you know, I've been single for a while. My last legit relationship was back in 2010 and there was a thing back in early 2012. At minimum, it's been 5 years since my last intimate interaction (physical; emotional; or otherwise). Between then and now, I've encountered individuals that would show some kind of potential at something resembling a possible love-life. However, for whatever the circumstance, I didn't act on it. Perhaps it was because of the circumstance; or maybe this self-fulfilling prophecy I have that things are doomed to fail [when I exert any type of effort]; or maybe it can be attributed to my lack of self-esteem. Heck, it could be a combination of any of these. Either way, it's the reason why I haven't taken the initiative to do anything about it. That is....until recently [**note** "recently" is entirely subjective]~
In the last few years, I've noticed a trend: being too comfortable/complacent. I'm guilty of this as well, obviously. I've always said that I'm not actively looking to be with anyone (so I don't really have any right to complain about being single). However, in the past, I noticed that taking a passive, "whatever happens" approach worked much better in my favor. The only problem is that when something actually comes my way, I don't have the confidence to pull the trigger [prime example: see the entry from August 11, 2013 "It's Within Your Grasp So Stop Hesitating~"]. So, without making any moves and just letting things happen, I'm still in this Singles Purgatory~
Because of this, I've accepted that I'm going to be single until the unforeseeable future. Nowadays, I get more satisfaction seeing my friends happy. I think I live vicariously through their relationships. And I think my friends have accepted me as such. I think I've earned that label as "The Single Whatever Friend" or something of that nature~
After forming equal bonds with both parties, I'm never seen as a threat to the other. My position [regardless of the situation] is to remain neutral. I'm never to [initially] pick sides. I will point out positives/negatives and play the role as the mediator from time to time, but never pick sides. However, this becomes increasingly difficult when I (as an observer) favor one side over the other. As an outsider looking in, my mind tells me to express the logical course of action to take. This, unfortunately, could spell an end to an era. Trying to look passed the bias, I'm not sure how to press forward. As a friend, there's only so much I can say in terms of following an emotional or logical route. BUT, as a friend, I'm in a position to say what they may need to hear (regardless of how desirable/undesirable the outcome may be)~
The worst part about it: this could potentially put me in a position to lose people dear to me. Would it be a dick move? Which would be the greater good? For once in a long time, part of me wants to take the initiative and do something. However, this also goes against my philosophy of letting things happen for themselves. At the same time, would this redefine me as what a "true friend" should be? What about the retrospective? Although I don't have any ulterior motive for either, could I be viewed as a wolf in sheep's clothing~?
*********************************************************************************
This is the mental/emotional/moral struggle I have to deal with. It may not be an issue for some but as someone who tends to put others before myself, I'm uncertain on what I should do. Sometimes, I hate myself for being indecisive. Rather, my personality/moral compass is somewhat that of a chameleon: there's a whole lot of gray in this spectrum. I guess, if I can't decide, I can just remain complacent. But glory goes to those who take the risk. You can't win if you don't play. This is true. However, you can't lose if you don't play, either~
But hey, there's a[n] [coin-flip] app for that~
Sunday, June 28, 2015
Midway~
Let it be known: I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing~
There are many things that I'm a bit hesitant on. Well, more accurately, I'm either lazy or insecure in moving forward in certain aspects of my life. I see people around me pursuing things that will better themselves in one way or another and part of me is being judgemental/resentful. In actuality, I think I'm just jealous. Does that make me a hater? I guess in an objective standpoint, it probably does. Well, let me rephrase that, I'm envious~
Example 1:
Let's look at the whole DJ-ing thing. Initially, I got into the whole thing because I lost my passion for drawing and needed a new outlet to express myself. Also, I wanted to be able to be recognized by a former e-crush as someone to watch out for rather than just an individual fan within the large masses. When I expressed this interest, I reignited a DJ-ing passion in one of my friends who then taught me the basics in vinyl. In return, I introduced him into the digital realm with using DJ controllers. Now, he's competing in various DJ competitions and I'm proud of him. However, over the years, I've come to realize the DJs I truly respect are the ones who do it as a passion and as a means to express who they are. My instructor seems to have lost sight of that as he primarily plays "what's popular" for the sake of being popular as well as "talking to bitches" (for lack of better words). I understand that a DJ's job is to get the people dancing....but at what cost? If someone only plays the popular stuff (the stuff that everyone else is playing), then what's setting that person apart from the rest? One other thing I've noticed is that those who get into the scene just to be famous/known tend to burn out and fail. With DJing being more accessible to the world, it's hard to make yourself unique. And when I hear him talk, I lose a piece of myself a little bit~
A few years ago, he was specifically a Dubstep DJ. Me, personally, my focus was Progressive House/Electro House/Complextro. And for whatever reason, he would urge me to play Dubstep. Our practice sessions would result in me being frustrated because he would push it so hard on me. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate the genre, I'm just not that passionate for it and it wouldn't be my first choice to spin. I just don't care for it as much. Later down the road, he suddenly stopped playing Dubstep. Why? "Because it wasn't popular anymore." He said to me once, "You were right all along. Dubstep is dying. House is where it's at. That's what's popular." To which I replied, "I wasn't right about anything, I just have a stronger appreciation/love for Progressive/Electro/Complextro than I do for Dubstep. I never chose to play it because it's 'popular.' I simply play what I like and that's all there is to it~"
But here he is competing in various competitions and networking. And here I am, a little bedroom DJ working on my craft but too nervous to go in public and express myself to the public. There's one thing that I can admire about him. It's that he's actually putting himself out there. Maybe it's against my own personal beliefs as to his motivation but the fact of the matter is, he's doing it~
What's funny though, is that one of the local DJs I've followed/looked up to since I got involved in the scene follows me as well. I can't really say he's my mentor but I certainly view him in such high regard. During one of the nights of this recent competition, he came up to me and asked "So when am I going to see you behind the DJ booth and play in front of this crowd?" I told him that I lacked confidence and I feel really uncomfortable bringing a controller to a live venue. I'd rather learn on the Club Standard [CDJ-2000(x2) and a DJM-900]. You know what he told me? "If you're playing on a controller, you're already better than most of the people competing this year. If you want to learn on CDJs, I have a 2000 + DJM400 setup and a flightcase and I'll let you borrow it for a week at no cost. I WANT you in this competition next year. You BETTER be in this competition next year." I don't know why but when I hear something like that from someone I look up to rather than some of my friends that know I spin on my freetime....it's a different kind of feeling/compliment. I generally think people just say that to be nice but it means a lot coming from HIM. Maybe that's just the kind of confidence boost/connection I need to get off my ass and do something about it. And, above all else, express who I am and not rely on what's popular. I can only rely on what I feel and how I interpret my feelings through song~
Another thing I need to get off my ass and do is actually put FLSudio and Ableton to use. I've had the programs for 2+ years and haven't touched them because I'm too intimidated by it. Not only that but it's just like why I lost my passion for art. I'm not entirely sure on HOW to express myself. It's like Artist Block: I'm not sure how to translate my thoughts into something tangible. With music production, I don't even know how to being to think of some original composition. Again, with music being so accessible now, I'm not sure how to make myself stand out among many, many others doing the same thing~
**Note** I will never refer to myself as a "DJ". Just because I know how to do it doesn't make me one. So many people today are calling themselves DJ's, it's almost laughable. The title is no longer something that can be taken in such high regard. Like being a dancer, I feel the term DJ needs to be earned. I haven't earned the right to be called as such so I won't refer to myself as one~
Example 2:
You know it's been 5 years since I was in an actual relationship? And it's been over 3 years since I've had relations. Why? Because I'm insecure and scared. The last one woman I was in a relationship with made me question how compatible I am with others. The last one I had a thing with and decided to pursue turned out to be an unstable mess and actually she just scares me of all women. Remember that e-crush I told you about? Yeah, the one that actually got me into DJing? At some point, I think I MIGHT'VE had a chance with her too (see previous blogs) but, if you already know the story, I was too chicken shit to do anything about it~
So what about people at work? Why not try talking to people in the crowds I've been kicking it with? What about online dating? Well, as far as work goes, there really isn't anyone likeable (to put it bluntly). What about the night scene I've been involved with? My biggest fear in that regard is that since everyone knows everyone and if I were to date any one of them and we break up (let's say a really bad break-up), that would put our friends in a position to choose a side. I personally hate that and I'd rather not be someone to place other people in a similar situation. Online dating? I'm already introvert as it is. I can be pretty awkward in meeting new people. I can just imagine how bad it would be in those kind of situations~
Here's my experience: the moment I decide to pursue someone, things tend to fail. It happened with the last girlfriend; it happened with the last love interest; and it happened with the e-crush. Just my luck or is it my lack of confidence? Funny thing about that, it usually fails when I actually gain the confidence to do something about it~
It's strange, though. Despite being the #RidingSolo type, I'm actually comfortable being alone. Sure, I sometimes feel like the Third Wheel or the odd one out. And it certainly doesn't help going to public events and seeing a bunch of couples together. But at the end of the day, I go home and don't have to worry if someone is being unfaithful to me or if the relationship is going downhill. The flipside of that is that I COULD be in a situation where everything is fine and dandy and I have the love of my life and so-on. I guess it's not really something to complain about. If things happen, they happen. Although my day-to-day is pretty mundane, I'll just take it as it comes. Whatever happens, happens~
Example 3:
I keep telling myself I need to exercise. I've bought all these take-home exercise programs, bought all these books and guides....and I'm not putting them into practice. At a point, I've hit 180 lbs. That's the most I've ever weighed. Since I've last checked, I dropped down to 170. It's still too heavy for my liking. I can't fit into my favorite shirts anymore. I saw a picture I took with my e-crush a few months ago and I look all kinds of tubby. I just recently bought 2 pairs of khakis at W36. I used to be W33! #Dafuq (>.<)** There's no way I'll be able to cosplay bad-ass characters with all the chubs in my waist area~
It doesn't help that my knees are pretty bad. Trying to watch my diet. I can thank that 10 lbs drop to that but diet isn't enough. It's hard to stay motivated most times. It doesn't help that I'm almost always tired, too. Part of me thinks that having a girlfriend or a Lady-Bro would help. We could support each other to better ourselves. Wishful thinking, I guess~
*********************************************************************************
Despite all these, I'm trying to come to terms with most of it. I'm trying to find other ways to put myself out there. I started a YouTube channel. Although most of my videos are on FaceBook, I have 2 on my channel (one is a quick compilation of Denver Comic Con 2015 and the other is a DJ practice session). I'm still not sure what my main focus of content should be or if it should just be a bunch of random things. But I figured it's a tool for me to attempt being more open and expressive. I know YouTubers is a thing nowadays but I'm not looking to be considered "a YouTuber" nor am I looking to become famous from it. Again, I think it's more like a form of therapy. Again, just putting myself out there~
Well, I guess there really isn't any real point to this blog other than the sake of blogging. If you have any interest in my DJing/YouTube, feel free to check out the following links below. Also included are my other Social Media pages~
www.MixCloud.com/P_Low?
www.SoundCloud.com/P_Low_Project/
www.facebook.com/PLowProject/
YouTube/Twitter/Instagram/SnapChat/Tumblr: @BotoMaki
There are many things that I'm a bit hesitant on. Well, more accurately, I'm either lazy or insecure in moving forward in certain aspects of my life. I see people around me pursuing things that will better themselves in one way or another and part of me is being judgemental/resentful. In actuality, I think I'm just jealous. Does that make me a hater? I guess in an objective standpoint, it probably does. Well, let me rephrase that, I'm envious~
Example 1:
Let's look at the whole DJ-ing thing. Initially, I got into the whole thing because I lost my passion for drawing and needed a new outlet to express myself. Also, I wanted to be able to be recognized by a former e-crush as someone to watch out for rather than just an individual fan within the large masses. When I expressed this interest, I reignited a DJ-ing passion in one of my friends who then taught me the basics in vinyl. In return, I introduced him into the digital realm with using DJ controllers. Now, he's competing in various DJ competitions and I'm proud of him. However, over the years, I've come to realize the DJs I truly respect are the ones who do it as a passion and as a means to express who they are. My instructor seems to have lost sight of that as he primarily plays "what's popular" for the sake of being popular as well as "talking to bitches" (for lack of better words). I understand that a DJ's job is to get the people dancing....but at what cost? If someone only plays the popular stuff (the stuff that everyone else is playing), then what's setting that person apart from the rest? One other thing I've noticed is that those who get into the scene just to be famous/known tend to burn out and fail. With DJing being more accessible to the world, it's hard to make yourself unique. And when I hear him talk, I lose a piece of myself a little bit~
A few years ago, he was specifically a Dubstep DJ. Me, personally, my focus was Progressive House/Electro House/Complextro. And for whatever reason, he would urge me to play Dubstep. Our practice sessions would result in me being frustrated because he would push it so hard on me. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate the genre, I'm just not that passionate for it and it wouldn't be my first choice to spin. I just don't care for it as much. Later down the road, he suddenly stopped playing Dubstep. Why? "Because it wasn't popular anymore." He said to me once, "You were right all along. Dubstep is dying. House is where it's at. That's what's popular." To which I replied, "I wasn't right about anything, I just have a stronger appreciation/love for Progressive/Electro/Complextro than I do for Dubstep. I never chose to play it because it's 'popular.' I simply play what I like and that's all there is to it~"
But here he is competing in various competitions and networking. And here I am, a little bedroom DJ working on my craft but too nervous to go in public and express myself to the public. There's one thing that I can admire about him. It's that he's actually putting himself out there. Maybe it's against my own personal beliefs as to his motivation but the fact of the matter is, he's doing it~
What's funny though, is that one of the local DJs I've followed/looked up to since I got involved in the scene follows me as well. I can't really say he's my mentor but I certainly view him in such high regard. During one of the nights of this recent competition, he came up to me and asked "So when am I going to see you behind the DJ booth and play in front of this crowd?" I told him that I lacked confidence and I feel really uncomfortable bringing a controller to a live venue. I'd rather learn on the Club Standard [CDJ-2000(x2) and a DJM-900]. You know what he told me? "If you're playing on a controller, you're already better than most of the people competing this year. If you want to learn on CDJs, I have a 2000 + DJM400 setup and a flightcase and I'll let you borrow it for a week at no cost. I WANT you in this competition next year. You BETTER be in this competition next year." I don't know why but when I hear something like that from someone I look up to rather than some of my friends that know I spin on my freetime....it's a different kind of feeling/compliment. I generally think people just say that to be nice but it means a lot coming from HIM. Maybe that's just the kind of confidence boost/connection I need to get off my ass and do something about it. And, above all else, express who I am and not rely on what's popular. I can only rely on what I feel and how I interpret my feelings through song~
Another thing I need to get off my ass and do is actually put FLSudio and Ableton to use. I've had the programs for 2+ years and haven't touched them because I'm too intimidated by it. Not only that but it's just like why I lost my passion for art. I'm not entirely sure on HOW to express myself. It's like Artist Block: I'm not sure how to translate my thoughts into something tangible. With music production, I don't even know how to being to think of some original composition. Again, with music being so accessible now, I'm not sure how to make myself stand out among many, many others doing the same thing~
**Note** I will never refer to myself as a "DJ". Just because I know how to do it doesn't make me one. So many people today are calling themselves DJ's, it's almost laughable. The title is no longer something that can be taken in such high regard. Like being a dancer, I feel the term DJ needs to be earned. I haven't earned the right to be called as such so I won't refer to myself as one~
Example 2:
You know it's been 5 years since I was in an actual relationship? And it's been over 3 years since I've had relations. Why? Because I'm insecure and scared. The last one woman I was in a relationship with made me question how compatible I am with others. The last one I had a thing with and decided to pursue turned out to be an unstable mess and actually she just scares me of all women. Remember that e-crush I told you about? Yeah, the one that actually got me into DJing? At some point, I think I MIGHT'VE had a chance with her too (see previous blogs) but, if you already know the story, I was too chicken shit to do anything about it~
So what about people at work? Why not try talking to people in the crowds I've been kicking it with? What about online dating? Well, as far as work goes, there really isn't anyone likeable (to put it bluntly). What about the night scene I've been involved with? My biggest fear in that regard is that since everyone knows everyone and if I were to date any one of them and we break up (let's say a really bad break-up), that would put our friends in a position to choose a side. I personally hate that and I'd rather not be someone to place other people in a similar situation. Online dating? I'm already introvert as it is. I can be pretty awkward in meeting new people. I can just imagine how bad it would be in those kind of situations~
Here's my experience: the moment I decide to pursue someone, things tend to fail. It happened with the last girlfriend; it happened with the last love interest; and it happened with the e-crush. Just my luck or is it my lack of confidence? Funny thing about that, it usually fails when I actually gain the confidence to do something about it~
It's strange, though. Despite being the #RidingSolo type, I'm actually comfortable being alone. Sure, I sometimes feel like the Third Wheel or the odd one out. And it certainly doesn't help going to public events and seeing a bunch of couples together. But at the end of the day, I go home and don't have to worry if someone is being unfaithful to me or if the relationship is going downhill. The flipside of that is that I COULD be in a situation where everything is fine and dandy and I have the love of my life and so-on. I guess it's not really something to complain about. If things happen, they happen. Although my day-to-day is pretty mundane, I'll just take it as it comes. Whatever happens, happens~
Example 3:
I keep telling myself I need to exercise. I've bought all these take-home exercise programs, bought all these books and guides....and I'm not putting them into practice. At a point, I've hit 180 lbs. That's the most I've ever weighed. Since I've last checked, I dropped down to 170. It's still too heavy for my liking. I can't fit into my favorite shirts anymore. I saw a picture I took with my e-crush a few months ago and I look all kinds of tubby. I just recently bought 2 pairs of khakis at W36. I used to be W33! #Dafuq (>.<)** There's no way I'll be able to cosplay bad-ass characters with all the chubs in my waist area~
It doesn't help that my knees are pretty bad. Trying to watch my diet. I can thank that 10 lbs drop to that but diet isn't enough. It's hard to stay motivated most times. It doesn't help that I'm almost always tired, too. Part of me thinks that having a girlfriend or a Lady-Bro would help. We could support each other to better ourselves. Wishful thinking, I guess~
*********************************************************************************
Despite all these, I'm trying to come to terms with most of it. I'm trying to find other ways to put myself out there. I started a YouTube channel. Although most of my videos are on FaceBook, I have 2 on my channel (one is a quick compilation of Denver Comic Con 2015 and the other is a DJ practice session). I'm still not sure what my main focus of content should be or if it should just be a bunch of random things. But I figured it's a tool for me to attempt being more open and expressive. I know YouTubers is a thing nowadays but I'm not looking to be considered "a YouTuber" nor am I looking to become famous from it. Again, I think it's more like a form of therapy. Again, just putting myself out there~
Well, I guess there really isn't any real point to this blog other than the sake of blogging. If you have any interest in my DJing/YouTube, feel free to check out the following links below. Also included are my other Social Media pages~
www.MixCloud.com/P_Low?
www.SoundCloud.com/P_Low_Project/
www.facebook.com/PLowProject/
YouTube/Twitter/Instagram/SnapChat/Tumblr: @BotoMaki
Less Than Casual~
It's been a very long time since I last posted a blog. Looks like the last post was from February 2014. Well over a year, it would seem. Why the absence? I suppose it's because I never really had a whole lot to say since then. Actually, to be more accurate, I've mostly been sharing a bunch of rants on my FaceBook page. This blog is really more for my own thoughts, I guess. You could consider it an electronic journal if you want to. Most of these blogs are just some thoughts or stories that I would generally not share to the public (contradictory to making this blog public). It's not like I really make this blog known to my friends. Only a few people know about it~
So why have I decided to start a new blog today? Meh, why not? After all, I also recently started a new YouTube channel (I can't figure out how to edit the URL but my username is streamlined with everything else). I don't really intend to accomplish anything with it. I guess it's just another platform to share my life. At heart, I'm still pretty introverted so I'm trying to find various ways to come out of my shell. I still don't post a lot. No vlogs or anything. Heck, I still post videos directly on my FaceBook page. I suppose I'm still trying to figure out what kind of content I should focus on. Or maybe, just post a bunch of random. The videos on FaceBook are usually rants or LootCrate unboxings. Maybe I'll post more to my YouTube channel when I figure out what video editing software to use. So far, the one I'm using is the default software that comes with Sony Video products (I had bought a Sony Action Cam a few months ago but I think I wanna pick up an actual camera suitable for vlogging).
Anyways, just thought I'd take this time to share my various pages and social media stuffs~
Twitter: @BotoMaki
Instagram: @BotoMaki
YouTube: @BotoMaki
SnapChat: @BotoMaki
SoundCloud: www.SoundCloud.com/P_Low_Project/
MixCloud: www.MixCloud.com/P_Low/
FaceBook: www.FaceBook.com/PLowProject/
**note** I'll be changing my music pages' name once my friend makes me a new logo to reflect "BotoMaki".
Welp, I guess that's it. I'll try to keep up with this more. Anyways, take it easy, friends~
So why have I decided to start a new blog today? Meh, why not? After all, I also recently started a new YouTube channel (I can't figure out how to edit the URL but my username is streamlined with everything else). I don't really intend to accomplish anything with it. I guess it's just another platform to share my life. At heart, I'm still pretty introverted so I'm trying to find various ways to come out of my shell. I still don't post a lot. No vlogs or anything. Heck, I still post videos directly on my FaceBook page. I suppose I'm still trying to figure out what kind of content I should focus on. Or maybe, just post a bunch of random. The videos on FaceBook are usually rants or LootCrate unboxings. Maybe I'll post more to my YouTube channel when I figure out what video editing software to use. So far, the one I'm using is the default software that comes with Sony Video products (I had bought a Sony Action Cam a few months ago but I think I wanna pick up an actual camera suitable for vlogging).
Anyways, just thought I'd take this time to share my various pages and social media stuffs~
Twitter: @BotoMaki
Instagram: @BotoMaki
YouTube: @BotoMaki
SnapChat: @BotoMaki
SoundCloud: www.SoundCloud.com/P_Low_Project/
MixCloud: www.MixCloud.com/P_Low/
FaceBook: www.FaceBook.com/PLowProject/
**note** I'll be changing my music pages' name once my friend makes me a new logo to reflect "BotoMaki".
Welp, I guess that's it. I'll try to keep up with this more. Anyways, take it easy, friends~
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Will-Power~
I'm a tad bit behind in posts. I was supposed to put one up about my trip to Los Angeles but I'll have to save that for another time. Currently, my mind is occupied on another thing right now~
About two years ago, I had a bit of an experience roughly around THIS time [Valentine's Day, specifically]. If you need a refresher, read the entry titled "This Is About A Girl." Well, after [more or less] reuniting, we've probably hung out twice since her return to Colorado. It took a few months for it to happen. Prior to her initial approach back to me, she was engaged and I was somewhat trying to avoid seeing her. She then went overseas so that made it easier to cast feelings aside. Her return in early December 2013 opened doors of potential feelings resurfacing. It wasn't until maybe early January 2014 when we had our reunion over drinks and cigars. I even stayed the night at her place. The offer to share her bed was made and, as much as I wanted to accept the offer, I had an idea what was in store. That being said, I opted to take the couch in the living room. Afterwards, there were multiple attempts to try and hang out but something always came up. That is, until today~
News of an international film festival in Boulder,CO came across on my Facebook newsfeed. It was Hayao Miyazaki's supposed final film before his retirement entitled "The Wind Rises." [later announced he would not be retiring and will continue to make great films] It was its United States premier [2 weeks before Los Angeles & New York]. SHE sent me the invite and I obviously accepted. Rather than carpooling like we originally planned, we ended up taking separate cars since she was running late. Great movie, by the way. After the film, she and I walked around Pearl Street Mall. It was actually quite enjoyable. As much as I didn't want to feel it, it was very pleasant. It was kind of as if she and I picked up right where we left off at prior to the whole "falling out" event. It was almost kind of like having a girlfriend again. It's been a feeling that I've missed for quite some time. However, I had to WILL myself not to possess any feelings as such for her. 1: She's talking to another friend of mine [although he says he doesn't want to rush things, he still shows some interest and she clearly shows an interest in him]. 2: I'm fully aware of the last 2 times I was emotionally involved with her, and it lead to disaster. So what am I to do? Absolutely nothing. I won't try and sway her to have feelings for me again. Besides, she's interested in a really good guy and I truly believe that they would go great together. So here I am, trying to WILL myself to be indifferent to that situation~
....................................................................................
Similarly [and briefly], another situation slips through my fingers. The one that I've been incredibly infatuated by [and looked forward to meeting when I was in LA] is making her way back to Denver next weekend. It's been almost a year since she was in Colorado. And at that time, it seemed like I legitimately had a chance to be with her. But it's been almost a year. I'd imagine that feelings as such don't last forever. Come New Years, she announced that she was happily engaged to the love of her life. I won't lie, I'm really happy for her. This time last year, she was miserable. Since then, she's dated a few times and was left in disappointment. Upon arriving in LA when she suggested that we meet up for lunch, she ended up cancelling since she wanted to spend time with her love interest before he went out of town. Between me and her, our interactions have dramatically decreased. I'm even considering deleting her phone number from my contacts and just resorting to FB messaging only [and even then, it's incredibly rare for her to even see/read those]. Was it my fault for being stubborn? I'd like to think I was being chivalrous by not hopping on a situation that would've compromised my moral code [see It's Within Your Grasp So Stop Hesitating~]~
So how will I act around her when I see her show Feb 22? Will I continue to remain passive-aggressive or act indifferent towards her? I'm sure she might've noticed it by now already. Still, I should at least be friendly. Or at least remain as I were when she and I FIRST met [by that, I mean not being some star-struck fanboy in the crowd]. She once considered me a friend and I hope she still does. But I guess that's all I can really ask for. I mean, I'm just this guy. She's this internationally recognized performer that's shared the stage with the best of them. I don't know how to overcome this feeling of rejection/failure other than willing myself to discard what I felt for her entirely~
..................................................................................................
It's funny, really. EVERY TIME I start to take an interest in someone and even so much as THINK about pursuing them, it always fails. I hate it. It makes me feel like I'll be in that "Forever Alone" purgatory. How will I combat this? My only way is to promise myself to see to my goal: "I hope that someday, you'll see me as an equal.Once I reach that, my new goal will be to overcome/surpass you."
I'm going to beat this feeling somehow, some way. When/if it'll happen? Who knows....All I DO know is that I'll have to work on myself more and don't get clouded/jaded by past situations that I could've accomplished. There's no point in dwelling on the past. There's no reason to hold onto the "what ifs". All that's left is to move forward and take that experience with me. What will my future hold? There's only one way to find out and that's to keep pressing forward; no matter happens along the way~
About two years ago, I had a bit of an experience roughly around THIS time [Valentine's Day, specifically]. If you need a refresher, read the entry titled "This Is About A Girl." Well, after [more or less] reuniting, we've probably hung out twice since her return to Colorado. It took a few months for it to happen. Prior to her initial approach back to me, she was engaged and I was somewhat trying to avoid seeing her. She then went overseas so that made it easier to cast feelings aside. Her return in early December 2013 opened doors of potential feelings resurfacing. It wasn't until maybe early January 2014 when we had our reunion over drinks and cigars. I even stayed the night at her place. The offer to share her bed was made and, as much as I wanted to accept the offer, I had an idea what was in store. That being said, I opted to take the couch in the living room. Afterwards, there were multiple attempts to try and hang out but something always came up. That is, until today~
News of an international film festival in Boulder,CO came across on my Facebook newsfeed. It was Hayao Miyazaki's supposed final film before his retirement entitled "The Wind Rises." [later announced he would not be retiring and will continue to make great films] It was its United States premier [2 weeks before Los Angeles & New York]. SHE sent me the invite and I obviously accepted. Rather than carpooling like we originally planned, we ended up taking separate cars since she was running late. Great movie, by the way. After the film, she and I walked around Pearl Street Mall. It was actually quite enjoyable. As much as I didn't want to feel it, it was very pleasant. It was kind of as if she and I picked up right where we left off at prior to the whole "falling out" event. It was almost kind of like having a girlfriend again. It's been a feeling that I've missed for quite some time. However, I had to WILL myself not to possess any feelings as such for her. 1: She's talking to another friend of mine [although he says he doesn't want to rush things, he still shows some interest and she clearly shows an interest in him]. 2: I'm fully aware of the last 2 times I was emotionally involved with her, and it lead to disaster. So what am I to do? Absolutely nothing. I won't try and sway her to have feelings for me again. Besides, she's interested in a really good guy and I truly believe that they would go great together. So here I am, trying to WILL myself to be indifferent to that situation~
....................................................................................
Similarly [and briefly], another situation slips through my fingers. The one that I've been incredibly infatuated by [and looked forward to meeting when I was in LA] is making her way back to Denver next weekend. It's been almost a year since she was in Colorado. And at that time, it seemed like I legitimately had a chance to be with her. But it's been almost a year. I'd imagine that feelings as such don't last forever. Come New Years, she announced that she was happily engaged to the love of her life. I won't lie, I'm really happy for her. This time last year, she was miserable. Since then, she's dated a few times and was left in disappointment. Upon arriving in LA when she suggested that we meet up for lunch, she ended up cancelling since she wanted to spend time with her love interest before he went out of town. Between me and her, our interactions have dramatically decreased. I'm even considering deleting her phone number from my contacts and just resorting to FB messaging only [and even then, it's incredibly rare for her to even see/read those]. Was it my fault for being stubborn? I'd like to think I was being chivalrous by not hopping on a situation that would've compromised my moral code [see It's Within Your Grasp So Stop Hesitating~]~
So how will I act around her when I see her show Feb 22? Will I continue to remain passive-aggressive or act indifferent towards her? I'm sure she might've noticed it by now already. Still, I should at least be friendly. Or at least remain as I were when she and I FIRST met [by that, I mean not being some star-struck fanboy in the crowd]. She once considered me a friend and I hope she still does. But I guess that's all I can really ask for. I mean, I'm just this guy. She's this internationally recognized performer that's shared the stage with the best of them. I don't know how to overcome this feeling of rejection/failure other than willing myself to discard what I felt for her entirely~
..................................................................................................
It's funny, really. EVERY TIME I start to take an interest in someone and even so much as THINK about pursuing them, it always fails. I hate it. It makes me feel like I'll be in that "Forever Alone" purgatory. How will I combat this? My only way is to promise myself to see to my goal: "I hope that someday, you'll see me as an equal.Once I reach that, my new goal will be to overcome/surpass you."
I'm going to beat this feeling somehow, some way. When/if it'll happen? Who knows....All I DO know is that I'll have to work on myself more and don't get clouded/jaded by past situations that I could've accomplished. There's no point in dwelling on the past. There's no reason to hold onto the "what ifs". All that's left is to move forward and take that experience with me. What will my future hold? There's only one way to find out and that's to keep pressing forward; no matter happens along the way~
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