"Daisuki desu~!!" but.....

It's strange, you know? I keep finding myself being infatuated with [what seems like] the unlikely or the improbable. Everything seems so very circumstantial (especially nowadays). But what is it that keeps me coming back? The pessimist in me says "it's NEVER gonna happen" while the realist says "it's POSSIBLE but not likely." What about the hopeful? Well....he just gets his hopes up and wishes for the best. Anyways, time for the stories~

CASE 1:

Maybe it was a little over 2 years ago, I crossed paths with an individual [mentioned in a past blog]. We hit it off quite nicely, actually. At some point in time, we had a terrible falling-out and lost communication. Fast-forward to  [maybe] March 2013; an unexpected friend request pops up on my FB page followed by a personal message simply saying "Let's hang out." Taken aback by this, I've more or less tried to avoid any real interaction with her. Afterall, this person was responsible for making me question my very persona (I did go through a pretty bad identity crisis THEN was weary of ALL women). That aside, despite our falling-out, I didn't want to be entirely closed off. I, at least, remained civil while trying to avoid any real situation for interaction. I did fall pretty hard for her in the past and I wasn't ready to take any risks to open my heart up just yet (especially her). Little did I know that the general reason for this reaching-out was because she was going to be deployed overseas for an undisclosed period of time. Was it to reconcile what we had? No, at this point, she was engaged. Was it to make up for how terrible our friendship ended? Maybe. Although it was never approached for a detailed reason, a simple "I just wanted to know what you were up to these days" was what I got and I just left it at that. There have been many times when the mention of hanging out was brought up but I managed to avoid it (there was even a time when we were both at 16th St Mall in Downtown, Denver). It wasn't until after she left that I started to be a little bit more open. Speaking my mind, being a little more abrasive and carefree when bringing up our intimate past in casual conversation as if it were nothing. Even to sometimes bring up what-if scenarios wasn't totally out of the question. I suppose it made it easy just because I knew she was thousands of miles away. I don't know why or how it happened, but I started to actually think about the what-ifs. Despite promising myself I wouldn't form an emotional attachment to her ever again (or ever breaking my rule/policy: Attack of the -Ay), I find those feelings arising again with her absence. Not entirely sure if it's the intimacy that I missed or the actual friendship we shared, something was coming back. This feeling must NOT return I kept telling myself. Hell, she's even got herself a new boyfriend lined up after the failed engagement. So why am I dwelling on it? I have to will myself to the Indifferent/Aloof version of me when she and I first met. That should keep me safe~

Present-Day: She'll be back in Colorado sometime this week. I no longer have an excuse to make myself unavailable. There've already been plans to spend weekends on snowboarding adventures, drawing sessions, anime marathons, and food adventures. I would like to think I've reverted back to my old self. So why am I getting nervous about this reunion? The last time we've been in each other's presence was roughly around Valentine's Day of 2012. A LOT's happened since then. I should be stronger; I should be more well-composed. I should no longer care. So why? Why am I sweating this? What is it about her that makes me want to go back? I want to convince myself that it's JUST the close friendship we once had but could it possibly be more? Hmm....who knows....? In an instance as such, there's only one thing I can really do and that's to go into this blindly with no expectation. With no expectation, I can't get mad if things go sour. Expect the worst, hope for the best. Besides, there's someone else who occupies my mind even more. Which brings me to.....

CASE 2:

As you may or may not know, I have this other persona: a bedroom DJ/hopeful under the moniker P-Low or P-Low Project. [P-Low Project is actually the name of my monthly series. The reason for "project" is that it shows my evolution as a musician/artist (in the loose term) and as a person. It can be found on www.MixCloud.com/P_Low/]. The reason for this interest in this musical hobby came from a fateful night [about 2 years ago] when I met the one woman who would change my artistic passion forever (the last blog is about her, as a matter of fact). If you know me well enough, I'm sure you can figure out who it is~

Originally, I started following her on Twitter because I [embarrassingly] thought she was someone else (a tuner model that shared a striking resemblance). Actually, I hate to admit this, buy my sister was a fan of hers before I was. A LOT of my friends were fans of hers since the days of MySpace. I honestly didn't know who she was until maybe a few months before seeing her live Oct 2011. Our interaction first began after an inquiry about energy drink alternatives. Then one day when girl from Case 1 and I went to Club Vinyl to see her. Well....more accurately, she and I were just hanging out because we haven't had time to in a while (this was BEFORE she and I developed a perceivable relationship). When Case 1's "new friend" unexpectedly showed up uninvited, she went "Asian-Hunting" while I enjoyed the show. On the rooftop, I provided a resident DJ a light for his cancer stick. Being ever-so-grateful, he asked "Are you here to see ************? If you like, I can get you back up there on the DJ booth while she's spinning." I was all for it. So as the night progressed, I just sat there front row jamming to my heart's content. It was about time that her set was nearing a close so I searched for the resident DJ. I found him but he was in the middle of bustin' his mack (that's "spitting some game" or "hitting on some women" if you're not hip to the lingo). I'd opted not to interrupt his endeavor so I went back to front row bobbin' my head to the wonderful beats this Majestic DJ Goddess bestowed upon the casual music-goers. Every few times, our eye met. I just figured she was playing to the crowd. At the end of her set, the club was adamant about kicking everyone out but I stayed behind to tell her what a wonderful job she did (and get a picture with her). When I had my chance, without seeming like an over-obsessive fan (which I wasn't....yet), I waited patiently for her to finish her photo-op with some Indian or Middle-Eastern dudes. I approached her and simply said "Hey, I appreciate what you did up there. I just wanted to say great job and keep it up." She jokingly/frustratingly shook her head in [almost] disapproval and said, "You know....this whole time, I tried signalling you to come up on stage but you just kinda stood there jamming." To my disbelief, did she really know who I was? Did she recognize me from Twitter (although we never really interacted THAT much)? Either way, I was happy, took two pictures with her (the first one, she wasn't ready and the brim of her hat kept hitting me in the eye) and called it a night.  Later on, I researched her further and found that my sister actually had her CD. I bought my own copy. I noticed the artwork was a bit out of date so I messaged LadyDJ if I could have her permission to do a little fan-art or maybe redo what was on the actual CD cover. Permission was granted (which ended up being the last serious art piece I've done to date). While I researched equipment, her music/mixing style, etc, I started to fall in love with the scene again (back in highschool was really into the rave scene. Meeting her more or less brought me back to it). More importantly, after meeting her and researching music, equipment, etc, I wanted to be a part of it. I wanted to do what she did. So I ended up buying a pair of Pioneer HDJ-2000 Headphones (cost me half my rent. $373.43 to be exact. Maybe a little MORE than half my rent) which motivated me to keep going with pursuing this hobby~

Flash-forward to May 2012 when she came back to Denver to perform at the "club" section of a strip-club. I wanted her to sign my headphones but I was incredibly star-struck by her. No longer was I the casual listener but I was, at this point, fan-obsessed. Upon meeting her again, she almost seemed as nervous to meet me as I was to meet her. After getting her to sign my headphones, I practically became her groupie on stage (my second DJ teacher [who was actually responsible for setting up the sound system that night] wanted me to go up on stage with her to observe her technique). I was also frequently mistaken for an actual DJ that was set to perform (by fellow DJs and employees alike). Since then, she would be the one to call out to me in a dark room/crowded venue whenever she came into town. I can honestly say that I became friends with an internationally recognized DJ who actually happens to be my DJ Hero/Inspiration/Motivation~

So why is this backstory so important? She's actually the main focus of my last blog entitled "It's Within Your Grasp So Stop Hesitating~" Sure, since becoming friends with her (which, I thought, was an impossibility), I've become somewhat infatuated with her. Not because she's this international superstar or because she's uber-talented or even because she's FRUSTRATINGLY gorgeous, but because she's a real, down-to-earth individual. How we became close friends? I'm not sure. Honestly, I'm not even sure WHY we're friends. I'm still trying to figure out what sets me apart from being just another faceless fan in the crowd. Now, if you haven't read my last blog, you probably should. It's an observation [not necessarily an explanation] of the possibility of something formulating. But I know this not to be possible. Why? Well, for one, I'm insecure and don't think that I could possibly stand up to her. Secondly, our jobs/lifestyles would make it difficult to keep things going. Heck, since the events of the last blog, it seems like she'd easily move on. Thirdly, I honestly don't want to risk this friendship that I've developed with her. It already seemed impossible/unlikely as it is and I don't want to lose that. With this in mind, I've tried to keep my unrequited feelings for her in check. It may just be one-sided and maybe I'll keep telling myself that. It's a little back-and-forth struggle I've been dealing with. There's always things that I want to suppress because the idea of an us just seems so different/unlikely [based on our likes vs dislikes]. Despite being the same astrological sign, I'm not certain if we'd really be compatible~

I'm actually planning a trip out to Los Angeles. Why? Well, why not? I've accumulated x amount of days of vacation time and it's Use-It-Or-Lose-It. I've never been to LA (I don't think LAX counts). Plus, for a while, I've wanted to move to LA if I wanted to pursue DJing further (I know the competition will be tough as well as cost-of-living but I just want to experience the culture myself). I threw the suggestion of meeting up for lunch or something and she actually agreed. Now, keep in mind, this initially wasn't my reason for wanting to go to Los Angeles. I was expecting her to be out playing a gig somewhere anyways. But after she agreed to meet up, it's pretty much the only thing I'm looking forward to. But now, there's a chance she won't even been in town while I'm out there. And after seeing her updates, she'll also be gone during the middle of my trip out. So the chances of me actually meeting up with my hero/e-crush seem less likely to happen. Because of this, I don't even really want to go anymore~

Well, why is this a big deal? To be honest, I think I may have fallen for her quite deeply. Maybe it was the would-be opportunity that presented itself back in March. Maybe it was the comfortable nicknames we've given each other since then. That smile? Those eyes? That collarbone [yeah, I said it. I'm a sucker for them]? Something about her just makes my heart flutter; skip a beat; get those butterflies; etc. And the thing is, it has absolutely nothing to do with her status as an internationally recognized DJ. I genuinely like her. There have been numerous times when I'd also try and convince myself that there's no way that something like that could EVER happen. Right when I think I rid myself of any of those one-sided desires, something occurs to where it'll just reel me right back in. It's like a trap of sorts. Am I brave enough to tell her how I feel or even hint to it (assuming I even get the chance next week). Ha....not likely. But like the events of March 2013, I can't be stuck lying in regret. I either do it or don't. Even if it's at the risk of a friendship that I only dreamed of attaining. At least I'll know, right~?

COMPARISON:

So....who to choose between the two? In terms of likes/dislikes/similarities, Case 1 would be the way to go. However, I was burned by her already. Twice, in fact. With Case 2, it would literally be a dream come true. For a while, she was the living embodiment of my dreamgirl and, in some instances [as well as testimony from third-parties] the possibility seems feasible but she's fickle so the chance of her easily getting bored is high~

I'll actually have my reunion with Case 1 this weekend. I MIGHT have my reunion with Case 2 [possibly] next week. I guess there's nothing left to do but to wait and see how things play out. I'm scared. I truly am. All the scenarios in my head will probably mean less than nothing when the moment of truth comes knocking at my proverbial door~

#PLowProject #PLP

It's Within Your Grasp So Stop Hesitating~

This is a story that I've been meaning to express but never got around to it. Depending on how well you know me, you may figure out who I'm talking about. but:

**For the sake of keeping things anonymous, the names in this story will be altered**

I was in a dark lounge section of this quaint nightclub caught in random conversation with my peers and a beer in hand. Out the corner of my eye, I'm able to see the entrance. Despite the low-lit area, there's still just enough light to make out facial features. Periodically, I'd glance over just to see who makes their way into this charming venue. After x amount of hours of waiting, she [let's call her 'Brenda'] finally arrived. We briefly make eye contact from across the room. Brenda called to me instead; practically yelling my name.  This actually had me a bit perplexed because she was able to spot me out quite quickly. We start to make our way towards each other. Her entourage made their way to the bar yet, she stood slightly hesitant. I can see her eyes shifting as if she's questioning "should I greet him first or should I go to the bar with everyone else?" In the end, we greeted each other in the middle of the room. As we exchanged hellos and hugs, she confesses her then-current emotional state due to a relationship issue (which I was already aware of prior to her touchdown in CO), ending it by saying "Sorry if I look stupid."  How could she look stupid? She's the most gorgeous person here, I said to myself. I reassured her that she had nothing to worry about. Afterall, she  was the reason why I would come down to such a boring city. Because of my friendly relationship with her, I made the rounds to introduce her to all my friends.  I hyped her up so much; this was her night to shine.  Unfortunately, her visit would've only been short-lived. With what limited time Brenda had, she made her own personal rounds meeting & greeting everyone else. Whenever she'd pass by, she would lay a hand on my shoulder, as if to let me know that she was there [almost in a manner that she wanted/needed me at her side]. I asked her how long she was going to be in town [she'd generally leave early in the morning]. To which she replied, "You know what? I'm under no obligation to be anywhere right now....Fuck it, wherever you're going, I"ll go." I informed her another friend of mine was throwing some sort of afterparty at this restaurant. "...but I can't really stay too late because I have to drive myself and my friend David back up to Denver." To which she replied, "It's cool, Don't worry about it.  We can hang out at my hotel after." Not thinking too much into it, I agree with the proposition~

After the show I came to see, the majority of us meet outside to indulge in a cigarette. Jess [the one in charge of the afterparty at the restaurant] asked Brenda, "How do you know Brad? You guys seem pretty close." To which she replied, "Oh, he's my Denver Manager" with this mischievous smile on her face. I could feel everyone's eyes staring a hole into my soul, especially Jess's. "Seriously? And you never told me this~?!" All fun and games, really. Brenda just told me to go with it. It was quite entertaining, actually. Besides, there really isn't much I could've done about it, nor could I object~

After everyone finished their cancer stick, we made our way back into the club and proceeded to this little VIP-ish, closed off area (with special stairway and all). She looked back at me and exclaimed "Yeah! Manager!!" Bravely [and mostly jokingly], I replied "well....if I'm your manager, then I guess this gives me a valid excuse to have your phone number, doesn't it~?" I didn't think she took it seriously so she just laughed it off. It's what I could expect, really. Compared to her, I'm a nobody.  Anyways, once we got to the main seating area, Brenda was trying to group a bunch of chairs together. And maybe it was just my imagination but she seemed like she was trying to arrange it to where I was sitting next to her.  Once we got [mostly] situated, more fans say hi and take pictures with her [it's almost obligatory]. When the fan-dom started to die down, I nudged her and say "So....manager, huh?" [almost in a calling-you-out manner]. At which point, she asked for my phone and inputs her number (after a few failed, drunken attempts). "Now...this isn't one of those 'Rejection-Hotline' kinda numbers, is it?" With a slight smirk on her face, she dared me to call it.  She immediately pulled out her phone to reveal my number on the caller-ID. Throughout the night, she continued to ask if I was coming to her hotel, and not thinking too much into it, I kept telling her I was down. After hanging around for a bit, I asked Jess if she was going too. But, apparently, I was the only one she'd asked. A tad bit in disbelief, I brushed it off like it was a joke. There's no way she'd ask JUST me.... We proceed to go to the restaurant/afterparty. Since I drive a 2-seater, we carpooled in Jess's car while my David followed in my vehicle~

Throughout the night between eating taking pictures, signing autographs, and so-on, Brenda periodically ask me if I was still down to go the the hotel. And, of course, I'd say yes (thinking it'd be a group of us hanging out because we carpooled). As I made my rounds saying my greetings and salutations to other friends, I eventually make my way to the table where everyone else was eating. Not even halfway across the room, Jess intercepted me and pulled to the the side and says, "DUDE, you're SERIOUSLY the only one she told about going to the hotel. She wants YOU to be there for her. Look, she's clearly in pain right now and the way you guys are acting, you'd think you two are long-time friends. She trusts you, obviously. Be that guy that, when she wakes up, sees you taking care of her." After that was said, she walked up to me and stood unusually close (I honestly figured it was because the DJ was still playing his music quite loudly). "For real, you're still down to come by, right?" I replied, "Do you NEED me to be? If so, then YES, I'll be there for you." A melancholy [but relieved] smile came to her lips then she walked off. At that moment, her entourage from the club stopped her and they had a slight conversation.  I imagined because she was under contract, they wanted to insure she'd make it back safely since she was their responsibility. She sadly looked back at me and stood before me again. "You don't have to give me a ride back, they got me...." I figured as much, honestly. So we said our goodbyes in the parking lot. My friend and I depart in my car while she made her way to an SUV. As I pulled up to the traffic light, an Eclipse pulled up to next to me with her in the passenger seat. We met eyes, she looked right at me, sadly and waved goodbye. As the light turned green, she made the left turn as I went straight on.  At this point, it was about 4:00AM and I figured she'd be sleeping by then. I texted her around 4:50AM just to make sure she was doing ok and that I was glad to have seen her. She almost immediately responded to my text with a "Thank you boo :') night night xoxoxo"

Now, I know a lot of you might be thinking that she probably likes/liked me. Maybe so...But I personally think that maybe because since I'm someone she knows in town and didn't want to be alone, I could've just been there for company or emotional support. I understand that heartbreaks suck and company is always appreciated. Besides, I truly believe that's all she really wanted and nothing more. Of the few times we've hung out, she didn't really seem like the kind of person to immediately jump on the rebound. Then again, the idea would be kind of nice that she'd even bother to think of me in that manner~

A few weeks later, I messaged Jess about that night. The conversation went as follows:

10:33pm ME: Just curious: The night ****** came to town, how much of it do you remember~? ... Monday 9:36am JESS: All of it lol why whats up ... 10:33am ME: Haha...cool. Towards the end of the night at the restaurant and everyone was just eating, I disappeared for a second. When I came back, you came up to me [with a sense of urgency] and said "You NEED to go with her to her hotel. Be that guy that, when she wakes up, knows she was taken care of and make sure she's ok." Or something to that affect~ Did Brenda say anything to you while I was gone~? Or about me specifically~? ... 12:09pm JESS: Well she kept saying that u gave her butterflies in her stomach when she saw u and she was telling me how u guys have known one another for awhile now, she seemed so happy that u were there to see her Is there something going on with u guys now??? ... 1:24pm ME: Wow, really? That's uber-crazy. Actually, nothing's going on between us. Since then, she and I have texted back and forth (well, mostly me asking her random ish) ... 1:25pm ME: Um... back in march/may of last year when she signed some merch, I was super nervous to meet her but she did seem just as nervous as I was ... Monday 4:31pm JESS: Oooohhh I think she has a thing for u babe ... 4:34pm ME: THAT would be pretty amazing, actually. I'm in disbelief though. I'm kind of a nobody so it's hard to believe =p ... Tuesday 4:19pm JESS: That would be so tight if u guys hooked up u would be my hero lol ... 4:22pm ME:
That would be amazing. It's crazy, she's already my hero. All I wanted that night was to have her throw my hand-sign. I would've never imagined getting her number (and so easily too)~ I could only dream about being more than a fan and actually seen as her friend. With what you're telling me, hooking up with her might be a possibility~

Unfortunately, nothing came of this. Eventually, she and I started talking less (on a personal level) and now only maintain contact with social media. I think she might've changed her phone number [again] since she did make it news she had some other creeper that got a hold of her number and wouldn't stop harassing. It would explain why she stopped responding to my texts. In recent news, she's now in a romantic relationship with someone closer to home. I guess it makes sense. I live in Colorado, work a shit job that makes dick, can't get enough time off to go visit her. She lives out of state, travels on the regular so it's not like we could even really plan a time to meet. In terms of a relationship, it probably wouldn't have worked out anyways. Long distance is a huge obstacle that [most] people wouldn't be able to handle~

Due to various reasons [mostly due to a technicality], I had to pass up this opportunity. But in retrospect, The opportunity still had an underlining opening. It was DEFINITELY something I should have gone for [regardless of the situation or circumstance]. Now, obviously, it's too late. And honestly, this scenario wasn't the first time. Something similar to this happened late last year too. Despite this, in hindsight, it's definitely taught me something. I'm at that age where I can't keep thinking about the details; the what-if's; the negative repercussions; etc. I'm at the point that I should just go for it. Sure, I'll be at risk of losing an important friendship with said person. At the same time, I'm also at the risk of potentially building something better. It's what I've decided: No more dilly-dadding. It's better to say "well, at least I tried" rather that" I wonder what would've happened IF I tried..."

This has been another scenario of why I'm Successfully UnSuccessful. It's a cycle that I know I have to break. But old habits die hard. I can do this, though. There have been MANY situations where I WILLED myself to overcome certain obstacles and came out on top. This isn't any different~