Revelation of Purpose~

This is [more or less] a continuation of my last post. More specifically, CASE 2.

So as I've mentioned in the last one, I started hanging out with this person last year on a regular basis. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what warranted us hanging out. She was in a long-term relationship and both she and her boyfriend appreciated my company (sometimes, they'd play-argue with each other because one got to hang out with me and the other didn't). It was like I was the metaphorical "adopted puppy" of this relationship. This was also around the time when I had parted ways with my previous place of employment. I had a LOT of free time, all of a sudden. That being said, I hung out with this couple [almost] daily. I talked with the female side of this couple every day. She would call me during her lunch break (this was also my wake-up call to get up and job hunt)~

Another thing I should point out is that when her boyfriend would start working again, I was [basically] the surrogate boyfriend in his place. Often times, he would introduce/describe me as "the girlfriend's boyfriend." Simply put, I would do all the boyfriend things (like keeping her company, going out to eat, shopping, run errands, etc) while he did all the boyfriend things (the intimacy aspect). In many respects, I felt very guilty for spending so much time with her. I don't think it was my place or my right to hang out with her so much. I'm sure that the boyfriend had some kind of underlying animosity towards the whole thing. Maybe he just played it cool or he knew that I wouldn't attempt anything (she was part of Attack of the 'Ay, afterall). Still, I personally didn't feel completely comfortable being the Third in this group~

There's also another detail that I should bring up: these two argued a LOT. They fought about any and every thing. Initially, I just thought their dynamic was to take jabs at each other. However, at some point, I started to feel that my presence helped as a deterrent from the arguing. You know, maybe having a mutual friend around might keep them from each others' throats. But eventually, that was no longer the case. They would argue in front of me as if I weren't even there. It made me wonder if I was even supposed to be there; if I was making things worse. I also wondered why these two were even together. On separate occasions, they both expressed to me that they weren't happy with each other. Their existence to each other was almost unbearable. They just stayed together because it was the norm; it was familiar. In actuality, they were toxic for each other (their situation reminded me of my own relationship with J*****)~

It was around this time that I started hanging out with the girlfriend more frequently. Nothing ever got intimate between me and her (again, she's Attack of the 'Ay and I refuse to break that rule ever again. Besides, she was still [technically] in a relationship. Morally speaking, it would be wrong to do anything while she was still spoken for). We did, however, become closer. I can't say that I became a type of mentor-figure but I was certainly someone that she could talk to when she needed to get thoughts/frustrations off her chest (I was probably the first person she'd contact if there was something she needed to talk about). I don't know if it was because I might've been a good listener or if I gave constructive feedback but whatever the case was, I could expect to see her name/picture on my phone at various times of the day. I could expect to hear her voice for hours on end. Sometimes, she would invite me to just drive anywhere with her to take her mind off the troubles from the homefront. Or she would invite me over just to keep her company while the boyfriend was either at work or if he had abruptly left due to an argument or whatever the case might've been~

Was it desperation? Did she need somewhere/someone to escape to? Was I that person? I suppose, on an emotional level, maybe I was. I can't say that I've developed feelings for her (knowing that doing so would go against every moral fiber in my body). However, I did have a sense of urgency to be there when she needed me. I was her emotional support. I kept her grounded. I was the voice of reason that kept her from doing something reckless. I felt like I may have meant something to her. The hang-outs, the long talks, being able to express feelings with confidence; maybe I might be on that Best Friend level. Or even the other way around. Maybe I may have found someone I could add to my small Best Friend list. However............

Their relationship got so bad, it eventually resulted in them breaking up. I was present for their last day as a couple (this was maybe 2 months ago, give or take). I watched it unfold from a simple hypothetical question to a full-blown fight. The following day, I get news that they're no longer together and she has to move out. I still tried to be there for both of them during this transition period (more for her than him as he seemed to be doing his own thing almost immediately). There was talks that I would move in with her and another mutual friend (who also just-so-happened to break up with her boyfriend as well). As the weeks went on, this idea of an otaku union trifecta faded away. As this idea faded, so did the talks and hanging out~

I believe that after any hard break-up, then a person has the right to do whatever it is they need to in order to cope/get over their previous significant other. You know the saying; "You do you, boo. You do you." Maybe consider this a means of soul-searching. However, as this period starts to get underway, I noticed an almost dramatic 180 change in her. All the things that attracted me to her in the first place was all but gone. No longer did the humble, wholesome homebody exist. Now, there was this woman who was 'wildin' out' every night. She essentially became a vulgar party-girl. In the past, she had expressed this was a type that she never wanted to associate with. In a matter of weeks, [I feel] she became exactly that. Also, the talks and hanging out became less frequent. It's almost to the point to where we just don't talk anymore. Before, she would be the one to initiate conversation (it wasn't always about advice or expressing frustration. Sometimes, it would be just to talk). Nowadays, we would barely communicate via messenger and it would only be me initiating this time. And even then, no longer present are the long messages; rather, one-word unreplyables~

One day, she had actually called me. I don't recall what the conversation was about but it wasn't something we'd regularly talk about in the past. I had told her that I honestly didn't know who she was anymore. She was certainly not the same person I got to know. And like I said, I understand that this is her time to get out there and see what the world has to offer but I don't think it should cost no longer talking with a friend that you invested x time and energy.

This truly affected me. I had initially thought it was something I did wrong. I ended up becoming a bit anti-social and closed myself off to everyone. I thought that I was a bad friend. Maybe I had to do some soul-searching myself. I needed to figure out what it was that made me feel this way. But during that time, I did my normal day-to-day routine. I didn't do anything different. Maybe it's just me but, I didn't do anything that would warrant being ignored/cast off~

Honestly, the only thing I could think of was the correlation between their time as a couple. While they were together (granted, they were both miserable but they were still technically together), interactions were on a consistent basis. From the time they broke up, she and I had drifted further apart to where we just don't communicate anymore. I feel like that, this whole time, maybe I was just a place-holder (in the sense that my presence kept her in that place of misery with her former boyfriend). I feel like so long as she had something to express distaste for, then I would be there for her to listen. Now that he's no longer a part of her life, neither am I. I don't have a place or a reason to be there~

Now I know what you're thinking: "If you feel that strongly about it, why don't YOU make the first move and talk to her instead of complaining about it?" Well, if you look at 4 paragraphs prior, I DID make the first move [multiple times] and was only met with bland, unenthused responses. Heck, the last time I saw her, I even came forward about feeling like a bad friend for not keeping in touch as I should. And [it felt like] I was met with a passive response. That sparkle in her eyes that she'd get when we'd talk had burned out. It's no longer there. That [potential] "best friend" was no longer there. To quote one of my favorite cosplayers:

" "That's just the way I am" is such a cop out. Yes, we should absolutely love who we are; but we should also always want to learn and grow as a person so that we can be the best us we can be...especially if "who you are" is hurting others and your loved ones."
-Raychul Moore

For the time being, I can chalk this up to a lost friendship. It's been downgraded to an acquaintance. Like I said, I'm just gonna let her be and follow that whole "You do you, boo." Whether my role in her life was just a temporary afterthought or not, I'll leave that up to her. I would've expressed this to her but, she's certainly not available anymore. So I'm doing this via a blog that no one will probably ever read. And that's fine. This is my therapy; and she has hers. But at this point, I'll just leave it up to her to decide my role in her life. If I was just an ear for her to express frustrations on, that's fine. To me, it's just a bit of a f*cked up way to base a friendship on and an even more f*cked up way to let one end~

Consistent Inconsistency

I've started to notice a bit of a trend: Close Lady-Friendships [for me] seem to have (about) a 1-Year Life Expectancy~


CASE 1:
In 2016, I started hanging out with a particular person on a regular basis. We were both part of the local Club/Dance Scene and had a lot of mutual friends so we eventually met up. I think it was our shared appreciation for stuffing our faces with food prompted a closer connection (typically consisted of late-night fooding adventures). At some point, we referred to each other as "Fooding Fiancé/Fiancée". It got to a point where people believed we were dating. Nothing ever happened as neither of us saw each other as any kind of prospect. We were just good friends that liked to go out to eat. The late night outings became less frequent until we eventually became more like acquaintances~

CASE 2:
2017, I started regularly hanging out with another individual from the Club/Dance Scene. I believe this started happening after a large group-outing. We eventually became closer friends through a shared appreciation of [Eastern] Pop Culture. I think this friendship might've been a bit more questionable to outside peers [given the circumstance] but much like Case 1, I believe neither of us saw/see each other as any kind of prospect. In recent events, interaction has been limited and maybe even neglected~

I understand that I'm also partly responsible for both cases. I should probably make more of an effort to maintain contact. I've been told that I do have a habit of believing in Self-Fulfilling Prophecies; more accurately, placing Self-Fulfilling Prophecies on myself. But with both cases, in the given circumstance (let it be school, work, personal life, etc), I find myself wondering if my presence is needed or not and, in the end, my mind leads me to believe that the best course of action is to give the person space. You know what they say: "You do you, boo. You do you." Let it be soul-searching or whatever, it's the course that I [personally] would take. I have to realize, however, that they AREN'T me. The thing is, I'm TERRIBLE at reading people. Because of this, I have this fear that I'll overstep my boundaries. That's something I don't want to do~


Then again, here I am, looking for CASE 3. I have a different feeling about this one as our chance meeting seemed too good to be true (sitting in the same Starbucks hoping to run into her again). In retrospect, I should probably put more effort into CASE1 & 2 to [at least] maintain that same level of friendship. Or do I take a different route and hope to meet [potential] CASE 3 and start from scratch? Either way, the idea is to maintain consistency. Rather, maybe do something to break the trend. You know, because "Self-Fulfilling Prophecies" or whatever~