Moral Ambiguity

It's been well over 2 years since I've last posted a blog. A lot has happened since then. Some follow-up:

-Despite having the tools to do it, I still haven't produced any tracks~
-I think I've established my identity as a DJ (in terms of knowing my sh*t). I still don't like being in the spotlight but it's apparent that I know my way around some decks~
-To add onto the previous point, I FINALLY completed my DJ set-up. I also go to play a few gigs. Most notable was my debut as BotoMaki at The Lounge at BETA NightClub on April 2016. This has garnered a few fans in terms of my musicality and style~
-I was previously employed in a position where I made a substantial amount of money (maybe a 40% increase of what I was previously making on my annual income). Unfortunately, I'm no longer employed at said company and currently looking for something that would cater to my strengths~
-I got into vlogging for a little bit. My YouTube channel is still a little bit of a mix-bag but I haven't uploaded a vlog in a while (I still need to edit a video of my Chicago trip from May 2017 for my cousin's wedding)~

These are just a few things that's happened since the last blog entry. However, that's not the main point of today's entry. As the title suggests, I'm having an internal struggle on what I should do/think regarding two particular situations. Let's go over those, shall we~?

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SCENARIO ONE:

When I first got into DJing, I would have scheduled practices at a friend's house. Eventually, I became established/confident with my own abilities. After finally completing my DJ Set-Up and gaining a small following from the few gigs I've had, I started to hold practices at my place. The primary reason is that some of the newer generation of DJs don't have a place to practice on the club-standard gear so I've opened my place up for those wanting to learn the equipment~

During this time, I started to grow apart from a former teacher. He went down a path of popularity where I went towards individual integrity. We didn't always see eye to eye so our ideologies would often conflict. Not sure if it was a seniority complex but he would try and downplay my abilities (despite our peers acknowledging my advancements. Dare I say, even surpassing him in terms of skill). Did that make him resentful or something? I don't know. Anyways, as time passed, there have been times when he'd [for lack of better words] screw me over. One example: while we had a B2B gig at a local club, he failed to mention a certain setting switch-up on the equipment. This caused me to majorly flub my portion of the set and made me look amateur when it mattered and simply said "I thought you knew what you were doing" in the most underhanded, dickish way possible. Another example [unrelated to DJing] was when he didn't want to help me jump-start my car. Despite him living [literally] a 5-minute drive away from my location, he suggested I sign up with AAA, pay a monthly fee, and have them come over to help me. He didn't want to help me because he know how to jump a battery from his then-new car. A friend from Colorado Springs drove 70 miles to help me out. My battery died completely. I had to buy a new battery. Turned out, I didn't have the tools to actually swap my battery so I ending having to buy additional tools. This ended up costing me upwards $200 total. I later went to the club because I needed a drink. I saw him at the club and asked if I was all good. I told him he was a bad friend and he cost me $xxx.xx because he was being a dick and not wanting to help me jump my car. He then bought me 1 beer then thought we were all good. The most recent example of his disrespect was when he added a bunch of strangers to my practice sessions without informing me. Keep in mind, these are strangers to ME but are notorious to talking shit about other local DJs. My practices are meant for the newcomers that shouldn't have to deal with the back-talking and bullsh*t politics that's predominant in the local scene (this is the reason why I was never proactive about making it as a DJ in the local scene as it's the kind of stuff that my heroes had to deal with). To sum it up, he's essentially a bad, disrespectful person and only really does anything for friends if it's convenient for his benefit~

This brings me to my dilemma: He had presented me an opportunity to play at one of the major EDM events this year. However, it has to be a B2B session with him and it has to go through one of the main figures in the local scene. "You'll get to play at one of the biggest shows in Denver so what's the problem?" As I've previously mentioned, I'm not as ambitious as everyone else is to make a name for myself as a DJ (as expressed to me by my heroes, those who get into the scene with the sole purpose of becoming famous/popular will burn out really quick). On top of that, in order to "make it" in the local scene, you basically have to suck this main figure's dick to get anywhere. I've seen how he treats his DJs (both of local and international fame) and it's something I'd rather not be involved with. At the same time, how many opportunities do I get to play this event? Since I don't see myself ever competing in the Global Dance Festival DJ Competition anytime soon (which is bullsh*t, btw. more on that another time), I don't really see this opportunity coming by very often. My initial response was to accept (which I did). However, is it fair for me to take advantage of this situation~?

I suppose I can look at it as though it's his way of [subconsciously] paying me back for the numerous wrongs he's done me. OR I can look at it as karma and I'm presented with the opportunity to take advantage of him as he's done with me. And I guess that's where I question my moral compass regarding this specific scenario~

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SCENARIO TWO:

There's one thing I've come to live by: "Don't go into anything with a specific PLAN. Try to go into things with an IDEA. Plans tend to fail. If you don't have a PLAN, you can't get mad if the plan fails." This has carried into other facets of my life. Namely: that of relationships. In the past, I found that anytime I [actively] pursued someone, it would typically fail (see previous blogs as I've touched on my love-life and former love interests). So, with that, I've just adopted the whole "whatever happens" mentality and just went with whatever came my way~

As most of you know, I've been single for a while. My last legit relationship was back in 2010 and there was a thing back in early 2012. At minimum, it's been 5 years since my last intimate interaction (physical; emotional; or otherwise). Between then and now, I've encountered individuals that would show some kind of potential at something resembling a possible love-life. However, for whatever the circumstance, I didn't act on it. Perhaps it was because of the circumstance; or maybe this self-fulfilling prophecy I have that things are doomed to fail [when I exert any type of effort]; or maybe it can be attributed to my lack of self-esteem. Heck, it could be a combination of any of these. Either way, it's the reason why I haven't taken the initiative to do anything about it. That is....until recently [**note** "recently" is entirely subjective]~

In the last few years, I've noticed a trend: being too comfortable/complacent. I'm guilty of this as well, obviously. I've always said that I'm not actively looking to be with anyone (so I don't really have any right to complain about being single). However, in the past, I noticed that taking a passive, "whatever happens" approach worked much better in my favor. The only problem is that when something actually comes my way, I don't have the confidence to pull the trigger [prime example: see the entry from August 11, 2013 "It's Within Your Grasp So Stop Hesitating~"]. So, without making any moves and just letting things happen, I'm still in this Singles Purgatory~

Because of this, I've accepted that I'm going to be single until the unforeseeable future. Nowadays, I get more satisfaction seeing my friends happy. I think I live vicariously through their relationships. And I think my friends have accepted me as such. I think I've earned that label as "The Single Whatever Friend" or something of that nature~

After forming equal bonds with both parties, I'm never seen as a threat to the other. My position [regardless of the situation] is to remain neutral. I'm never to [initially] pick sides. I will point out positives/negatives and play the role as the mediator from time to time, but never pick sides. However, this becomes increasingly difficult when I (as an observer) favor one side over the other. As an outsider looking in, my mind tells me to express the logical course of action to take. This, unfortunately, could spell an end to an era. Trying to look passed the bias, I'm not sure how to press forward. As a friend, there's only so much I can say in terms of following an emotional or logical route. BUT, as a friend, I'm in a position to say what they may need to hear (regardless of how desirable/undesirable the outcome may be)~

The worst part about it: this could potentially put me in a position to lose people dear to me. Would it be a dick move? Which would be the greater good? For once in a long time, part of me wants to take the initiative and do something. However, this also goes against my philosophy of letting things happen for themselves. At the same time, would this redefine me as what a "true friend" should be? What about the retrospective? Although I don't have any ulterior motive for either, could I be viewed as a wolf in sheep's clothing~?

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This is the mental/emotional/moral struggle I have to deal with. It may not be an issue for some but as someone who tends to put others before myself, I'm uncertain on what I should do. Sometimes, I hate myself for being indecisive. Rather, my personality/moral compass is somewhat that of a chameleon: there's a whole lot of gray in this spectrum. I guess, if I can't decide, I can just remain complacent. But glory goes to those who take the risk. You can't win if you don't play. This is true. However, you can't lose if you don't play, either~

But hey, there's a[n] [coin-flip] app for that~

Midway~

Let it be known: I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing~

There are many things that I'm a bit hesitant on.  Well, more accurately, I'm either lazy or insecure in moving forward in certain aspects of my life.  I see people around me pursuing things that will better themselves in one way or another and part of me is being judgemental/resentful.  In actuality, I think I'm just jealous.  Does that make me a hater?  I guess in an objective standpoint, it probably does.  Well, let me rephrase that, I'm envious~

Example 1:
Let's look at the whole DJ-ing thing. Initially, I got into the whole thing because I lost my passion for drawing and needed a new outlet to express myself.  Also, I wanted to be able to be recognized by a former e-crush as someone to watch out for rather than just an individual fan within the large masses.  When I expressed this interest, I reignited a DJ-ing passion in one of my friends who then taught me the basics in vinyl.  In return, I introduced him into the digital realm with using DJ controllers.  Now, he's competing in various DJ competitions and I'm proud of him.  However, over the years, I've come to realize the DJs I truly respect are the ones who do it as a passion and as a means to express who they are.  My instructor seems to have lost sight of that as he primarily plays "what's popular" for the sake of being popular as well as "talking to bitches" (for lack of better words).  I understand that a DJ's job is to get the people dancing....but at what cost? If someone only plays the popular stuff (the stuff that everyone else is playing), then what's setting that person apart from the rest?  One other thing I've noticed is that those who get into the scene just to be famous/known tend to burn out and fail.  With DJing being more accessible to the world, it's hard to make yourself unique.  And when I hear him talk, I lose a piece of myself a little bit~

A few years ago, he was specifically a Dubstep DJ.  Me, personally, my focus was Progressive House/Electro House/Complextro.  And for whatever reason, he would urge me to play Dubstep.  Our practice sessions would result in me being frustrated because he would push it so hard on me.  Don't get me wrong, I don't hate the genre, I'm just not that passionate for it and it wouldn't be my first choice to spin.  I just don't care for it as much.  Later down the road, he suddenly stopped playing Dubstep.  Why?  "Because it wasn't popular anymore."  He said to me once, "You were right all along.  Dubstep is dying.  House is where it's at. That's what's popular."  To which I replied, "I wasn't right about anything, I just have a stronger appreciation/love for Progressive/Electro/Complextro than I do for Dubstep. I never chose to play it because it's 'popular.' I simply play what I like and that's all there is to it~"

But here he is competing in various competitions and networking.  And here I am, a little bedroom DJ working on my craft but too nervous to go in public and express myself to the public.  There's one thing that I can admire about him.  It's that he's actually putting himself out there.  Maybe it's against my own personal beliefs as to his motivation but the fact of the matter is, he's doing it~

What's funny though, is that one of the local DJs I've followed/looked up to since I got involved in the scene follows me as well.  I can't really say he's my mentor but I certainly view him in such high regard.  During one of the nights of this recent competition, he came up to me and asked "So when am I going to see you behind the DJ booth and play in front of this crowd?"  I told him that I lacked confidence and I feel really uncomfortable bringing a controller to a live venue.  I'd rather learn on the Club Standard [CDJ-2000(x2) and a DJM-900].  You know what he told me?  "If you're playing on a controller, you're already better than most of the people competing this year.  If you want to learn on CDJs, I have a 2000 + DJM400 setup and a flightcase and I'll let you borrow it for a week at no cost.  I WANT you in this competition next year.  You BETTER be in this competition next year."  I don't know why but when I hear something like that from someone I look up to rather than some of my friends that know I spin on my freetime....it's a different kind of feeling/compliment.  I generally think people just say that to be nice but it means a lot coming from HIM.  Maybe that's just the kind of confidence boost/connection I need to get off my ass and do something about it.  And, above all else, express who I am and not rely on what's popular.  I can only rely on what I feel and how I interpret my feelings through song~

Another thing I need to get off my ass and do is actually put FLSudio and Ableton to use. I've had the programs for 2+ years and haven't touched them because I'm too intimidated by it.  Not only that but it's just like why I lost my passion for art.  I'm not entirely sure on HOW to express myself.  It's like Artist Block: I'm not sure how to translate my thoughts into something tangible.  With music production, I don't even know how to being to think of some original composition.  Again, with music being so accessible now, I'm not sure how to make myself stand out among many, many others doing the same thing~

**Note** I will never refer to myself as a "DJ".  Just because I know how to do it doesn't make me one.  So many people today are calling themselves DJ's, it's almost laughable.  The title is no longer something that can be taken in such high regard.  Like being a dancer, I feel the term DJ needs to be earned.  I haven't earned the right to be called as such so I won't refer to myself as one~

Example 2:
You know it's been 5 years since I was in an actual relationship?  And it's been over 3 years since I've had relations.  Why?  Because I'm insecure and scared.  The last one woman I was in a relationship with made me question how compatible I am with others.  The last one I had a thing with and decided to pursue turned out to be an unstable mess and actually she just scares me of all women.  Remember that e-crush I told you about?  Yeah, the one that actually got me into DJing?  At some point, I think I MIGHT'VE had a chance with her too (see previous blogs) but, if you already know the story, I was too chicken shit to do anything about it~

So what about people at work?  Why not try talking to people in the crowds I've been kicking it with?  What about online dating?  Well, as far as work goes, there really isn't anyone likeable (to put it bluntly).  What about the night scene I've been involved with?  My biggest fear in that regard is that since everyone knows everyone and if I were to date any one of them and we break up (let's say a really bad break-up), that would put our friends in a position to choose a side.  I personally hate that and I'd rather not be someone to place other people in a similar situation.  Online dating?  I'm already introvert as it is.  I can be pretty awkward in meeting new people.  I can just imagine how bad it would be in those kind of situations~

Here's my experience: the moment I decide to pursue someone, things tend to fail.  It happened with the last girlfriend; it happened with the last love interest; and it happened with the e-crush.  Just my luck or is it my lack of confidence?  Funny thing about that, it usually fails when I actually gain the confidence to do something about it~

It's strange, though.  Despite being the #RidingSolo type, I'm actually comfortable being alone.  Sure, I sometimes feel like the Third Wheel or the odd one out.  And it certainly doesn't help going to public events and seeing a bunch of couples together.  But at the end of the day, I go home and don't have to worry if someone is being unfaithful to me or if the relationship is going downhill.  The flipside of that is that I COULD be in a situation where everything is fine and dandy and I have the love of my life and so-on.  I guess it's not really something to complain about.  If things happen, they happen.  Although my day-to-day is pretty mundane, I'll just take it as it comes.  Whatever happens, happens~

Example 3:
I keep telling myself I need to exercise.  I've bought all these take-home exercise programs, bought all these books and guides....and I'm not putting them into practice.  At a point, I've hit 180 lbs.  That's the most I've ever weighed.  Since I've last checked, I dropped down to 170.  It's still too heavy for my liking.  I can't fit into my favorite shirts anymore.  I saw a picture I took with my e-crush a few months ago and I look all kinds of tubby.  I just recently bought 2 pairs of khakis at W36.  I used to be W33! #Dafuq (>.<)**  There's no way I'll be able to cosplay bad-ass characters with all the chubs in my waist area~

It doesn't help that my knees are pretty bad.  Trying to watch my diet.  I can thank that 10 lbs drop to that but diet isn't enough.  It's hard to stay motivated most times.  It doesn't help that I'm almost always tired, too.  Part of me thinks that having a girlfriend or a Lady-Bro would help.  We could support each other to better ourselves.  Wishful thinking, I guess~

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Despite all these, I'm trying to come to terms with most of it.  I'm trying to find other ways to put myself out there.  I started a YouTube channel.  Although most of my videos are on FaceBook, I have 2 on my channel (one is a quick compilation of Denver Comic Con 2015 and the other is a DJ practice session).  I'm still not sure what my main focus of content should be or if it should just be a bunch of random things.  But I figured it's a tool for me to attempt being more open and expressive.  I know YouTubers is a thing nowadays but I'm not looking to be considered "a YouTuber" nor am I looking to become famous from it.  Again, I think it's more like a form of therapy.  Again, just putting myself out there~

Well, I guess there really isn't any real point to this blog other than the sake of blogging.  If you have any interest in my DJing/YouTube, feel free to check out the following links below.  Also included are my other Social Media pages~

www.MixCloud.com/P_Low?
www.SoundCloud.com/P_Low_Project/
www.facebook.com/PLowProject/

YouTube/Twitter/Instagram/SnapChat/Tumblr: @BotoMaki

Less Than Casual~

It's been a very long time since I last posted a blog. Looks like the last post was from February 2014. Well over a year, it would seem. Why the absence? I suppose it's because I never really had a whole lot to say since then. Actually, to be more accurate, I've mostly been sharing a bunch of rants on my FaceBook page. This blog is really more for my own thoughts, I guess. You could consider it an electronic journal if you want to. Most of these blogs are just some thoughts or stories that I would generally not share to the public (contradictory to making this blog public). It's not like I really make this blog known to my friends. Only a few people know about it~

So why have I decided to start a new blog today? Meh, why not? After all, I also recently started a new YouTube channel (I can't figure out how to edit the URL but my username is streamlined with everything else). I don't really intend to accomplish anything with it. I guess it's just another platform to share my life. At heart, I'm still pretty introverted so I'm trying to find various ways to come out of my shell. I still don't post a lot. No vlogs or anything. Heck, I still post videos directly on my FaceBook page. I suppose I'm still trying to figure out what kind of content I should focus on. Or maybe, just post a bunch of random. The videos on FaceBook are usually rants or LootCrate unboxings. Maybe I'll post more to my YouTube channel when I figure out what video editing software to use. So far, the one I'm using is the default software that comes with Sony Video products (I had bought a Sony Action Cam a few months ago but I think I wanna pick up an actual camera suitable for vlogging).

Anyways, just thought I'd take this time to share my various pages and social media stuffs~

Twitter: @BotoMaki
Instagram: @BotoMaki
YouTube: @BotoMaki
SnapChat: @BotoMaki
SoundCloud: www.SoundCloud.com/P_Low_Project/
MixCloud: www.MixCloud.com/P_Low/
FaceBook: www.FaceBook.com/PLowProject/
**note** I'll be changing my music pages' name once my friend makes me a new logo to reflect "BotoMaki".

Welp, I guess that's it. I'll try to keep up with this more. Anyways, take it easy, friends~

Will-Power~

I'm a tad bit behind in posts. I was supposed to put one up about my trip to Los Angeles but I'll have to save that for another time. Currently, my mind is occupied on another thing right now~

About two years ago, I had a bit of an experience roughly around THIS time [Valentine's Day, specifically]. If you need a refresher, read the entry titled "This Is About A Girl." Well, after [more or less] reuniting, we've probably hung out twice since her return to Colorado. It took a few months for it to happen. Prior to her initial approach back to me, she was engaged and I was somewhat trying to avoid seeing her. She then went overseas so that made it easier to cast feelings aside. Her return in early December 2013 opened doors of potential feelings resurfacing. It wasn't until maybe early January 2014 when we had our reunion over drinks and cigars. I even stayed the night at her place. The offer to share her bed was made and, as much as I wanted to accept the offer, I had an idea what was in store. That being said, I opted to take the couch in the living room. Afterwards, there were multiple attempts to try and hang out but something always came up. That is, until today~

News of an international film festival in Boulder,CO came across on my Facebook newsfeed. It was Hayao Miyazaki's supposed final film before his retirement entitled "The Wind Rises." [later announced he would not be retiring and will continue to make great films] It was its United States premier [2 weeks before Los Angeles & New York]. SHE sent me the invite and I obviously accepted. Rather than carpooling like we originally planned, we ended up taking separate cars since she was running late. Great movie, by the way. After the film, she and I walked around Pearl Street Mall. It was actually quite enjoyable. As much as I didn't want to feel it, it was very pleasant. It was kind of as if she and I picked up right where we left off at prior to the whole "falling out" event. It was almost kind of like having a girlfriend again. It's been a feeling that I've missed for quite some time. However, I had to WILL myself not to possess any feelings as such for her. 1: She's talking to another friend of mine [although he says he doesn't want to rush things, he still shows some interest and she clearly shows an interest in him]. 2: I'm fully aware of the last 2 times I was emotionally involved with her, and it lead to disaster. So what am I to do? Absolutely nothing. I won't try and sway her to have feelings for me again. Besides, she's interested in a really good guy and I truly believe that they would go great together. So here I am, trying to WILL myself to be indifferent to that situation~

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Similarly [and briefly], another situation slips through my fingers. The one that I've been incredibly infatuated by [and looked forward to meeting when I was in LA] is making her way back to Denver next weekend. It's been almost a year since she was in Colorado. And at that time, it seemed like I legitimately had a chance to be with her. But it's been almost a year. I'd imagine that feelings as such don't last forever. Come New Years, she announced that she was happily engaged to the love of her life. I won't lie, I'm really happy for her. This time last year, she was miserable. Since then, she's dated a few times and was left in disappointment. Upon arriving in LA when she suggested that we meet up for lunch, she ended up cancelling since she wanted to spend time with her love interest before he went out of town. Between me and her, our interactions have dramatically decreased. I'm even considering deleting her phone number from my contacts and just resorting to FB messaging only [and even then, it's incredibly rare for her to even see/read those]. Was it my fault for being stubborn? I'd like to think I was being chivalrous by not hopping on a situation that would've compromised my moral code [see It's Within Your Grasp So Stop Hesitating~]~

So how will I act around her when I see her show Feb 22? Will I continue to remain passive-aggressive or act indifferent towards her? I'm sure she might've noticed it by now already. Still, I should at least be friendly. Or at least remain as I were when she and I FIRST met [by that, I mean not being some star-struck fanboy in the crowd]. She once considered me a friend and I hope she still does. But I guess that's all I can really ask for. I mean, I'm just this guy. She's this internationally recognized performer that's shared the stage with the best of them. I don't know how to overcome this feeling of rejection/failure other than willing myself to discard what I felt for her entirely~
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It's funny, really. EVERY TIME I start to take an interest in someone and even so much as THINK about pursuing them, it always fails. I hate it. It makes me feel like I'll be in that "Forever Alone" purgatory. How will I combat this? My only way is to promise myself to see to my goal: "I hope that someday, you'll see me as an equal.Once I reach that, my new goal will be to overcome/surpass you."

I'm going to beat this feeling somehow, some way. When/if it'll happen? Who knows....All I DO know is that I'll have to work on myself more and don't get clouded/jaded by past situations that I could've accomplished. There's no point in dwelling on the past. There's no reason to hold onto the "what ifs". All that's left is to move forward and take that experience with me. What will my future hold? There's only one way to find out and that's to keep pressing forward; no matter happens along the way~

"Daisuki desu~!!" but.....

It's strange, you know? I keep finding myself being infatuated with [what seems like] the unlikely or the improbable. Everything seems so very circumstantial (especially nowadays). But what is it that keeps me coming back? The pessimist in me says "it's NEVER gonna happen" while the realist says "it's POSSIBLE but not likely." What about the hopeful? Well....he just gets his hopes up and wishes for the best. Anyways, time for the stories~

CASE 1:

Maybe it was a little over 2 years ago, I crossed paths with an individual [mentioned in a past blog]. We hit it off quite nicely, actually. At some point in time, we had a terrible falling-out and lost communication. Fast-forward to  [maybe] March 2013; an unexpected friend request pops up on my FB page followed by a personal message simply saying "Let's hang out." Taken aback by this, I've more or less tried to avoid any real interaction with her. Afterall, this person was responsible for making me question my very persona (I did go through a pretty bad identity crisis THEN was weary of ALL women). That aside, despite our falling-out, I didn't want to be entirely closed off. I, at least, remained civil while trying to avoid any real situation for interaction. I did fall pretty hard for her in the past and I wasn't ready to take any risks to open my heart up just yet (especially her). Little did I know that the general reason for this reaching-out was because she was going to be deployed overseas for an undisclosed period of time. Was it to reconcile what we had? No, at this point, she was engaged. Was it to make up for how terrible our friendship ended? Maybe. Although it was never approached for a detailed reason, a simple "I just wanted to know what you were up to these days" was what I got and I just left it at that. There have been many times when the mention of hanging out was brought up but I managed to avoid it (there was even a time when we were both at 16th St Mall in Downtown, Denver). It wasn't until after she left that I started to be a little bit more open. Speaking my mind, being a little more abrasive and carefree when bringing up our intimate past in casual conversation as if it were nothing. Even to sometimes bring up what-if scenarios wasn't totally out of the question. I suppose it made it easy just because I knew she was thousands of miles away. I don't know why or how it happened, but I started to actually think about the what-ifs. Despite promising myself I wouldn't form an emotional attachment to her ever again (or ever breaking my rule/policy: Attack of the -Ay), I find those feelings arising again with her absence. Not entirely sure if it's the intimacy that I missed or the actual friendship we shared, something was coming back. This feeling must NOT return I kept telling myself. Hell, she's even got herself a new boyfriend lined up after the failed engagement. So why am I dwelling on it? I have to will myself to the Indifferent/Aloof version of me when she and I first met. That should keep me safe~

Present-Day: She'll be back in Colorado sometime this week. I no longer have an excuse to make myself unavailable. There've already been plans to spend weekends on snowboarding adventures, drawing sessions, anime marathons, and food adventures. I would like to think I've reverted back to my old self. So why am I getting nervous about this reunion? The last time we've been in each other's presence was roughly around Valentine's Day of 2012. A LOT's happened since then. I should be stronger; I should be more well-composed. I should no longer care. So why? Why am I sweating this? What is it about her that makes me want to go back? I want to convince myself that it's JUST the close friendship we once had but could it possibly be more? Hmm....who knows....? In an instance as such, there's only one thing I can really do and that's to go into this blindly with no expectation. With no expectation, I can't get mad if things go sour. Expect the worst, hope for the best. Besides, there's someone else who occupies my mind even more. Which brings me to.....

CASE 2:

As you may or may not know, I have this other persona: a bedroom DJ/hopeful under the moniker P-Low or P-Low Project. [P-Low Project is actually the name of my monthly series. The reason for "project" is that it shows my evolution as a musician/artist (in the loose term) and as a person. It can be found on www.MixCloud.com/P_Low/]. The reason for this interest in this musical hobby came from a fateful night [about 2 years ago] when I met the one woman who would change my artistic passion forever (the last blog is about her, as a matter of fact). If you know me well enough, I'm sure you can figure out who it is~

Originally, I started following her on Twitter because I [embarrassingly] thought she was someone else (a tuner model that shared a striking resemblance). Actually, I hate to admit this, buy my sister was a fan of hers before I was. A LOT of my friends were fans of hers since the days of MySpace. I honestly didn't know who she was until maybe a few months before seeing her live Oct 2011. Our interaction first began after an inquiry about energy drink alternatives. Then one day when girl from Case 1 and I went to Club Vinyl to see her. Well....more accurately, she and I were just hanging out because we haven't had time to in a while (this was BEFORE she and I developed a perceivable relationship). When Case 1's "new friend" unexpectedly showed up uninvited, she went "Asian-Hunting" while I enjoyed the show. On the rooftop, I provided a resident DJ a light for his cancer stick. Being ever-so-grateful, he asked "Are you here to see ************? If you like, I can get you back up there on the DJ booth while she's spinning." I was all for it. So as the night progressed, I just sat there front row jamming to my heart's content. It was about time that her set was nearing a close so I searched for the resident DJ. I found him but he was in the middle of bustin' his mack (that's "spitting some game" or "hitting on some women" if you're not hip to the lingo). I'd opted not to interrupt his endeavor so I went back to front row bobbin' my head to the wonderful beats this Majestic DJ Goddess bestowed upon the casual music-goers. Every few times, our eye met. I just figured she was playing to the crowd. At the end of her set, the club was adamant about kicking everyone out but I stayed behind to tell her what a wonderful job she did (and get a picture with her). When I had my chance, without seeming like an over-obsessive fan (which I wasn't....yet), I waited patiently for her to finish her photo-op with some Indian or Middle-Eastern dudes. I approached her and simply said "Hey, I appreciate what you did up there. I just wanted to say great job and keep it up." She jokingly/frustratingly shook her head in [almost] disapproval and said, "You know....this whole time, I tried signalling you to come up on stage but you just kinda stood there jamming." To my disbelief, did she really know who I was? Did she recognize me from Twitter (although we never really interacted THAT much)? Either way, I was happy, took two pictures with her (the first one, she wasn't ready and the brim of her hat kept hitting me in the eye) and called it a night.  Later on, I researched her further and found that my sister actually had her CD. I bought my own copy. I noticed the artwork was a bit out of date so I messaged LadyDJ if I could have her permission to do a little fan-art or maybe redo what was on the actual CD cover. Permission was granted (which ended up being the last serious art piece I've done to date). While I researched equipment, her music/mixing style, etc, I started to fall in love with the scene again (back in highschool was really into the rave scene. Meeting her more or less brought me back to it). More importantly, after meeting her and researching music, equipment, etc, I wanted to be a part of it. I wanted to do what she did. So I ended up buying a pair of Pioneer HDJ-2000 Headphones (cost me half my rent. $373.43 to be exact. Maybe a little MORE than half my rent) which motivated me to keep going with pursuing this hobby~

Flash-forward to May 2012 when she came back to Denver to perform at the "club" section of a strip-club. I wanted her to sign my headphones but I was incredibly star-struck by her. No longer was I the casual listener but I was, at this point, fan-obsessed. Upon meeting her again, she almost seemed as nervous to meet me as I was to meet her. After getting her to sign my headphones, I practically became her groupie on stage (my second DJ teacher [who was actually responsible for setting up the sound system that night] wanted me to go up on stage with her to observe her technique). I was also frequently mistaken for an actual DJ that was set to perform (by fellow DJs and employees alike). Since then, she would be the one to call out to me in a dark room/crowded venue whenever she came into town. I can honestly say that I became friends with an internationally recognized DJ who actually happens to be my DJ Hero/Inspiration/Motivation~

So why is this backstory so important? She's actually the main focus of my last blog entitled "It's Within Your Grasp So Stop Hesitating~" Sure, since becoming friends with her (which, I thought, was an impossibility), I've become somewhat infatuated with her. Not because she's this international superstar or because she's uber-talented or even because she's FRUSTRATINGLY gorgeous, but because she's a real, down-to-earth individual. How we became close friends? I'm not sure. Honestly, I'm not even sure WHY we're friends. I'm still trying to figure out what sets me apart from being just another faceless fan in the crowd. Now, if you haven't read my last blog, you probably should. It's an observation [not necessarily an explanation] of the possibility of something formulating. But I know this not to be possible. Why? Well, for one, I'm insecure and don't think that I could possibly stand up to her. Secondly, our jobs/lifestyles would make it difficult to keep things going. Heck, since the events of the last blog, it seems like she'd easily move on. Thirdly, I honestly don't want to risk this friendship that I've developed with her. It already seemed impossible/unlikely as it is and I don't want to lose that. With this in mind, I've tried to keep my unrequited feelings for her in check. It may just be one-sided and maybe I'll keep telling myself that. It's a little back-and-forth struggle I've been dealing with. There's always things that I want to suppress because the idea of an us just seems so different/unlikely [based on our likes vs dislikes]. Despite being the same astrological sign, I'm not certain if we'd really be compatible~

I'm actually planning a trip out to Los Angeles. Why? Well, why not? I've accumulated x amount of days of vacation time and it's Use-It-Or-Lose-It. I've never been to LA (I don't think LAX counts). Plus, for a while, I've wanted to move to LA if I wanted to pursue DJing further (I know the competition will be tough as well as cost-of-living but I just want to experience the culture myself). I threw the suggestion of meeting up for lunch or something and she actually agreed. Now, keep in mind, this initially wasn't my reason for wanting to go to Los Angeles. I was expecting her to be out playing a gig somewhere anyways. But after she agreed to meet up, it's pretty much the only thing I'm looking forward to. But now, there's a chance she won't even been in town while I'm out there. And after seeing her updates, she'll also be gone during the middle of my trip out. So the chances of me actually meeting up with my hero/e-crush seem less likely to happen. Because of this, I don't even really want to go anymore~

Well, why is this a big deal? To be honest, I think I may have fallen for her quite deeply. Maybe it was the would-be opportunity that presented itself back in March. Maybe it was the comfortable nicknames we've given each other since then. That smile? Those eyes? That collarbone [yeah, I said it. I'm a sucker for them]? Something about her just makes my heart flutter; skip a beat; get those butterflies; etc. And the thing is, it has absolutely nothing to do with her status as an internationally recognized DJ. I genuinely like her. There have been numerous times when I'd also try and convince myself that there's no way that something like that could EVER happen. Right when I think I rid myself of any of those one-sided desires, something occurs to where it'll just reel me right back in. It's like a trap of sorts. Am I brave enough to tell her how I feel or even hint to it (assuming I even get the chance next week). Ha....not likely. But like the events of March 2013, I can't be stuck lying in regret. I either do it or don't. Even if it's at the risk of a friendship that I only dreamed of attaining. At least I'll know, right~?

COMPARISON:

So....who to choose between the two? In terms of likes/dislikes/similarities, Case 1 would be the way to go. However, I was burned by her already. Twice, in fact. With Case 2, it would literally be a dream come true. For a while, she was the living embodiment of my dreamgirl and, in some instances [as well as testimony from third-parties] the possibility seems feasible but she's fickle so the chance of her easily getting bored is high~

I'll actually have my reunion with Case 1 this weekend. I MIGHT have my reunion with Case 2 [possibly] next week. I guess there's nothing left to do but to wait and see how things play out. I'm scared. I truly am. All the scenarios in my head will probably mean less than nothing when the moment of truth comes knocking at my proverbial door~

#PLowProject #PLP

It's Within Your Grasp So Stop Hesitating~

This is a story that I've been meaning to express but never got around to it. Depending on how well you know me, you may figure out who I'm talking about. but:

**For the sake of keeping things anonymous, the names in this story will be altered**

I was in a dark lounge section of this quaint nightclub caught in random conversation with my peers and a beer in hand. Out the corner of my eye, I'm able to see the entrance. Despite the low-lit area, there's still just enough light to make out facial features. Periodically, I'd glance over just to see who makes their way into this charming venue. After x amount of hours of waiting, she [let's call her 'Brenda'] finally arrived. We briefly make eye contact from across the room. Brenda called to me instead; practically yelling my name.  This actually had me a bit perplexed because she was able to spot me out quite quickly. We start to make our way towards each other. Her entourage made their way to the bar yet, she stood slightly hesitant. I can see her eyes shifting as if she's questioning "should I greet him first or should I go to the bar with everyone else?" In the end, we greeted each other in the middle of the room. As we exchanged hellos and hugs, she confesses her then-current emotional state due to a relationship issue (which I was already aware of prior to her touchdown in CO), ending it by saying "Sorry if I look stupid."  How could she look stupid? She's the most gorgeous person here, I said to myself. I reassured her that she had nothing to worry about. Afterall, she  was the reason why I would come down to such a boring city. Because of my friendly relationship with her, I made the rounds to introduce her to all my friends.  I hyped her up so much; this was her night to shine.  Unfortunately, her visit would've only been short-lived. With what limited time Brenda had, she made her own personal rounds meeting & greeting everyone else. Whenever she'd pass by, she would lay a hand on my shoulder, as if to let me know that she was there [almost in a manner that she wanted/needed me at her side]. I asked her how long she was going to be in town [she'd generally leave early in the morning]. To which she replied, "You know what? I'm under no obligation to be anywhere right now....Fuck it, wherever you're going, I"ll go." I informed her another friend of mine was throwing some sort of afterparty at this restaurant. "...but I can't really stay too late because I have to drive myself and my friend David back up to Denver." To which she replied, "It's cool, Don't worry about it.  We can hang out at my hotel after." Not thinking too much into it, I agree with the proposition~

After the show I came to see, the majority of us meet outside to indulge in a cigarette. Jess [the one in charge of the afterparty at the restaurant] asked Brenda, "How do you know Brad? You guys seem pretty close." To which she replied, "Oh, he's my Denver Manager" with this mischievous smile on her face. I could feel everyone's eyes staring a hole into my soul, especially Jess's. "Seriously? And you never told me this~?!" All fun and games, really. Brenda just told me to go with it. It was quite entertaining, actually. Besides, there really isn't much I could've done about it, nor could I object~

After everyone finished their cancer stick, we made our way back into the club and proceeded to this little VIP-ish, closed off area (with special stairway and all). She looked back at me and exclaimed "Yeah! Manager!!" Bravely [and mostly jokingly], I replied "well....if I'm your manager, then I guess this gives me a valid excuse to have your phone number, doesn't it~?" I didn't think she took it seriously so she just laughed it off. It's what I could expect, really. Compared to her, I'm a nobody.  Anyways, once we got to the main seating area, Brenda was trying to group a bunch of chairs together. And maybe it was just my imagination but she seemed like she was trying to arrange it to where I was sitting next to her.  Once we got [mostly] situated, more fans say hi and take pictures with her [it's almost obligatory]. When the fan-dom started to die down, I nudged her and say "So....manager, huh?" [almost in a calling-you-out manner]. At which point, she asked for my phone and inputs her number (after a few failed, drunken attempts). "Now...this isn't one of those 'Rejection-Hotline' kinda numbers, is it?" With a slight smirk on her face, she dared me to call it.  She immediately pulled out her phone to reveal my number on the caller-ID. Throughout the night, she continued to ask if I was coming to her hotel, and not thinking too much into it, I kept telling her I was down. After hanging around for a bit, I asked Jess if she was going too. But, apparently, I was the only one she'd asked. A tad bit in disbelief, I brushed it off like it was a joke. There's no way she'd ask JUST me.... We proceed to go to the restaurant/afterparty. Since I drive a 2-seater, we carpooled in Jess's car while my David followed in my vehicle~

Throughout the night between eating taking pictures, signing autographs, and so-on, Brenda periodically ask me if I was still down to go the the hotel. And, of course, I'd say yes (thinking it'd be a group of us hanging out because we carpooled). As I made my rounds saying my greetings and salutations to other friends, I eventually make my way to the table where everyone else was eating. Not even halfway across the room, Jess intercepted me and pulled to the the side and says, "DUDE, you're SERIOUSLY the only one she told about going to the hotel. She wants YOU to be there for her. Look, she's clearly in pain right now and the way you guys are acting, you'd think you two are long-time friends. She trusts you, obviously. Be that guy that, when she wakes up, sees you taking care of her." After that was said, she walked up to me and stood unusually close (I honestly figured it was because the DJ was still playing his music quite loudly). "For real, you're still down to come by, right?" I replied, "Do you NEED me to be? If so, then YES, I'll be there for you." A melancholy [but relieved] smile came to her lips then she walked off. At that moment, her entourage from the club stopped her and they had a slight conversation.  I imagined because she was under contract, they wanted to insure she'd make it back safely since she was their responsibility. She sadly looked back at me and stood before me again. "You don't have to give me a ride back, they got me...." I figured as much, honestly. So we said our goodbyes in the parking lot. My friend and I depart in my car while she made her way to an SUV. As I pulled up to the traffic light, an Eclipse pulled up to next to me with her in the passenger seat. We met eyes, she looked right at me, sadly and waved goodbye. As the light turned green, she made the left turn as I went straight on.  At this point, it was about 4:00AM and I figured she'd be sleeping by then. I texted her around 4:50AM just to make sure she was doing ok and that I was glad to have seen her. She almost immediately responded to my text with a "Thank you boo :') night night xoxoxo"

Now, I know a lot of you might be thinking that she probably likes/liked me. Maybe so...But I personally think that maybe because since I'm someone she knows in town and didn't want to be alone, I could've just been there for company or emotional support. I understand that heartbreaks suck and company is always appreciated. Besides, I truly believe that's all she really wanted and nothing more. Of the few times we've hung out, she didn't really seem like the kind of person to immediately jump on the rebound. Then again, the idea would be kind of nice that she'd even bother to think of me in that manner~

A few weeks later, I messaged Jess about that night. The conversation went as follows:

10:33pm ME: Just curious: The night ****** came to town, how much of it do you remember~? ... Monday 9:36am JESS: All of it lol why whats up ... 10:33am ME: Haha...cool. Towards the end of the night at the restaurant and everyone was just eating, I disappeared for a second. When I came back, you came up to me [with a sense of urgency] and said "You NEED to go with her to her hotel. Be that guy that, when she wakes up, knows she was taken care of and make sure she's ok." Or something to that affect~ Did Brenda say anything to you while I was gone~? Or about me specifically~? ... 12:09pm JESS: Well she kept saying that u gave her butterflies in her stomach when she saw u and she was telling me how u guys have known one another for awhile now, she seemed so happy that u were there to see her Is there something going on with u guys now??? ... 1:24pm ME: Wow, really? That's uber-crazy. Actually, nothing's going on between us. Since then, she and I have texted back and forth (well, mostly me asking her random ish) ... 1:25pm ME: Um... back in march/may of last year when she signed some merch, I was super nervous to meet her but she did seem just as nervous as I was ... Monday 4:31pm JESS: Oooohhh I think she has a thing for u babe ... 4:34pm ME: THAT would be pretty amazing, actually. I'm in disbelief though. I'm kind of a nobody so it's hard to believe =p ... Tuesday 4:19pm JESS: That would be so tight if u guys hooked up u would be my hero lol ... 4:22pm ME:
That would be amazing. It's crazy, she's already my hero. All I wanted that night was to have her throw my hand-sign. I would've never imagined getting her number (and so easily too)~ I could only dream about being more than a fan and actually seen as her friend. With what you're telling me, hooking up with her might be a possibility~

Unfortunately, nothing came of this. Eventually, she and I started talking less (on a personal level) and now only maintain contact with social media. I think she might've changed her phone number [again] since she did make it news she had some other creeper that got a hold of her number and wouldn't stop harassing. It would explain why she stopped responding to my texts. In recent news, she's now in a romantic relationship with someone closer to home. I guess it makes sense. I live in Colorado, work a shit job that makes dick, can't get enough time off to go visit her. She lives out of state, travels on the regular so it's not like we could even really plan a time to meet. In terms of a relationship, it probably wouldn't have worked out anyways. Long distance is a huge obstacle that [most] people wouldn't be able to handle~

Due to various reasons [mostly due to a technicality], I had to pass up this opportunity. But in retrospect, The opportunity still had an underlining opening. It was DEFINITELY something I should have gone for [regardless of the situation or circumstance]. Now, obviously, it's too late. And honestly, this scenario wasn't the first time. Something similar to this happened late last year too. Despite this, in hindsight, it's definitely taught me something. I'm at that age where I can't keep thinking about the details; the what-if's; the negative repercussions; etc. I'm at the point that I should just go for it. Sure, I'll be at risk of losing an important friendship with said person. At the same time, I'm also at the risk of potentially building something better. It's what I've decided: No more dilly-dadding. It's better to say "well, at least I tried" rather that" I wonder what would've happened IF I tried..."

This has been another scenario of why I'm Successfully UnSuccessful. It's a cycle that I know I have to break. But old habits die hard. I can do this, though. There have been MANY situations where I WILLED myself to overcome certain obstacles and came out on top. This isn't any different~

This Is A Story About A Girl~

It's been a VERY long time since I've last blogged. Lately I've kept a journal, but even then, I haven't really kept up with it. Anyways, I'd like to take this time to express some things [one thing in partcular] that's happened in the last few months~

Shortly after GDF-2011 [see previous post], I met up with some friends to hit up another event called TITAN. 2 of my GoGo friends were performing at this event so I wanted to support them [as well as see DJ Alie Layus]. Anyways, when I went, I met one of my GoGo friend's friend. Her name was Jasmyn. We seemed to hit it off pretty well. We exchanged numbers, kept in touch. I later find out that she's from CSprings and regularly dances at an EDM bar called Blondie's. So, one day, I decide to hit her up and visit her~

This was maybe 2 weeks or so after TITAN, I started to make my way to CSprings but I end up getting a ticket [it was either speeding or an illegal u-turn, I don't remember] which kinda eff'd up my night. Anyways, I finally get down to Blondie's and try to kick it with Jasmyn. However, she was super busy so for the 2 hours I was there, I probably only got to see/talk to her for probably 15 mins. Already upset, I end up leaving and going to my parents' house to crash~

Checking my phone, I saw someone messaged me on FourSquare [another social media app]. My profile picture was me in this print button-up shirt and a fadora with a skinny tie. This person that messaged me said she wanted to dance with me. To which I replied, "If I had seen this message sooner, I would've definitely danced with you. Sorry for the late reply~" From there, we started going back and forth until we eventually exchanged phone numbers~

Her name's Amanda [I should really stop going for The 'Ay~]. During this chance meeting from FourSquare, I come to find out she's this very attractive otaku that's in the Army. Not only that, she's an amazing artist. This attracts me more to her. About a week later, we have our first official meeting. Myself, Daniel, Mel, Puraw-Wave, C-Level, and Amanda have this get-together at my place. It was pretty chill that all of us got to hang out. And I guess, from there, she and I started to develop this type of friendship/relationship~

Later I find out that she "gets around" quite often. Turns out she's slept with a few of my friends from back in the day [Ho-Sung, Kyol...basically anyone Asian]. Within maybe the first 2-3 weeks of meeting her, she's slept with 3-4 people. I guess I don't let it get to me. Seeing what kinda guys she goes for, I didn't think anything could happen between me and her. I wasn't her type. Nonetheless, we still hung out here and there~

Flash-forward to mid October...she's never been to "the Church" so I offer to get her on the list along with one of these other guys she's met through FB. They were pretty much all over each other. I didn't pay too much mind to it. I kinda felt I knew nothing could happen between me and her. Anyways, at the end of the night, I let both her and her friend stay the night at my place [They didn't have anywhere to go and both were pretty drunk. I wasn't about to let them out on the road intoxicated]. That following day, Amanda and I go to watch the FootLoose remake in theaters. Later that night, we go to Vinyl to see my favorite [Female] DJ spin on the main floor [DJ HeavyGrinder]. Originally, it was just supposed to be me and her but her FB "friend" self-invited himself to come along. During this time when we meet at the club, Amanda states she's gonna go AZN-Hunting while this guy and myself are on the main floor. He ends up leaving because of the mixed signals that Amanda was giving. I, on the other hand, didn't pay too much mind to either of them since I was just jamming out to HeavyGrinder getting down on the decks. At the end of the night, I actually get to take pictures with the DJ~

The end of the night, I'm sure that if Amanda and I didn't car-pool, she would've gone home with the tall-buff AZN she was dancing with at Vinyl. But anyways, at the end of the night, I wasn't about to let her drive home sleepy so I let her stay the night. Keep in mind, each time I offer to let her stay the night, I always offer to take the sofa while she takes my bed [as courtesy] but we eventually become cuddle-buddies. Anyways, the following moring, we wake up in each other's arms. We wake up pretty late for a Sunday [about 11 or 1. I forget...I know it had a "1" in it]. As we're cuddling, she forces my hand to caress her body. Eventually, my hand starts to move on its own and I start exploring her. As she moans, I stop. I even tell her "I can stop if you want. We don't have to go any further than you don't want to." However, she gives me the green light to keep moving forward. It was an open invitation to sleep with her. Considering how I haven't slept with anyone since the ex, Jordan, and Amanda seemed to only be interest in Sex, I go with it. It was the break of a 16-month dryspell. I thought "I haven't done this in a while and she's openly sleeping around...why not~?" So....we do it~

After it was all over, she started acting super-girlfriendy. To be honest, I did like it. I mean, what guy isn't gonna turn down sex in over a year? Secondly, I thought BOTH our intentions were clear: I haven't done it i forevers and she was just looking to hook up. However, I guess it turned out she really DID wanna be with me. I didn't think I was really ready for a relationship if I would still think about Jordan. And even more so, I didn't think she'd wanna be with me if, the previous night and the night before, she was wanting to hook up with other guys. But because of this misinterpretation, she decided to "cut herself from a dramatic situation and avoid the drama entirely."

Almost immediately after this incident, I went to talk to my BFF about it. I've never had a 1-night stand before so I wasn't sure what to do. This whole situation actually put me in a sort of "identity-crisis." I wasn't sure if I was truly a nice guy or a dick. And the new persona I took on, I wasn't sure if that's how I REALLY was or if that was just a ruse to convince myself I was that way. A week later, I come to find out that she ends up dating one of my friends from my friends list~

I wanted to clarify things with her. Obviously, it was a misunderstanding and I wanted to make whatever was misunderstood very clear. But, since she's in the Army, she had to go to training somewhere out of state. So I wrote her a letter [yes...hand-written] and hoped she would've gotten it before she left for her training. A month passes with no response until one day, she texts me saying what her thoughts were on the letter and the situation. She felt that her intentions were quite clear [but her actions seemed to say otherwise]. From there, we're kinda on texting terms [not very frequent though]~

It wasn't until NYE when we started pursuing hanging out again. I had originally wanted to go to Decadence but I coudln't afford it. Amanda had suggested going to a hookah bar but eventually decided on going to BETA. We ended up spending NYE at BETA. One of the first things she asked me was "I know that nothing would probably come between us but would you do the honor of being my NYE kiss~?" I was happy to oblige. It would've been my first NYE Kiss since Jordan and I maybe thought that's all it would be. Well, after it all, it was late and, again, I didn't want to let her drive home drunk/tired so I offered to let her stay at my place again. And, just like last time, I offered to sleep on the couch while she took the bed. She wanted to cuddle again and, thinking we both knew what was [not] going to happen, I went with it. We ended up sleeping with each other again~

This time, we actually end up sticking with it. We eventually ended up being FWB. When we'd go out, she'd still go on her AZN hunts and she'd also urge me to try and talk to other women. But, to be honest, I just wanted to either enjoy the beats or enjoy her company. But, just the same, it was like we picked up right where we left off [minus the sex]. This went on for maybe each successive week up until this Valentine's Day weekend~

I wanted to hang out with Amanda but she had been working these terrible hours for her job [basically, graveyard-shift to an extent]. I had come down to support some friends in a Valentine's Day contest at a CSprings club called The Mansion. However, there was no such contest. I ended up leaving. Amanda knew I was in town and offered tha I came to see her later on that day. I told her I was sleeping at my parents' house but I never get much sleep while I'm down there anyways. So she calls me up [i'm barely awake to catch the phonecall]. She indicated that she got off work early and that I should make my way to her place [which I do]. Already expecting to hang out with her, I thought I'd do a nice gesture and buy her a Valentine's Day card. It wasn't anything too mushy/lovey-dovey. Just something saying that I value her friendship very much and I'm happy that we started being friends again~

After sleeping for a few hours, we end up "sleeping" again. After the event, she got a call from her job superiors so she had to leave the apt to get something out of her car. While she went out to her car, I noticed her cat playing with a used condom on the floor. The peculiar thing was that it wasn't the condom I used [I threw it out]. As a matter of fact, it looked like the condom that I brought a week ago in case she and I were to sleep with each other. I jokingly called it out but she didn't seem to mind. We ended up showering together and we started acting all relationship-y. And to be honest, I was all for it. The more I thought about it, the more I actually saw myself being with her beyond FWB~

Around mid afternoon, I was getting ready to leave. She walked me to my vehicle and started hugging me as I started hugging her. We shared a few romantic butterfly kisses. At this point, I pushed her back for a little bit so I could look at her face. I looked into her eyes and said:

"I....THINK I may be falling for you pretty hard. But I'm not sure."

She smiled, we kissed, and we parted ways as we always did. After I told her this, it seemed like she's been a little bit more distant. On actual Valentine's Day, she didn't text me anything regarding the holiday. Instead, she asked me about any upcoming anime conventions so she could do some cosplay. Hell, even on Thursday, I let her know I was in town and if she wanted to hang out, she should hit me up before I left for Denver but I never got a reply~

Last night [Friday, Feb 17, 2012] roughly around 130am, I get a text from her saying to come down to CSprings. I wasn't sure if I could do it because of pending finances. I told her she should come up to Denver instead but she said she was too drunk. I replied that I would have to check my finances before I came down. But also wondered what we could do if I came down since everything would be closed. She replied "Cuddling? hugging, kissing...maybe more? Plus, I have some really cute panties I wanna show you." It was very tempting. Even more so because I truly wanted to see her this weekend to actually talk about taking our relationship to the next step. I really wanted to be with her romantically. She then texted me "BANGARANG, Come down here." [20 mintues later] "please?" I replied [jokingly]:

"That first part of your text looked like a demand. I don't respond to demands very well =p But yeah, I'll come down. I just need to get gas =)~"

From there, she freakin' wigged out on me hard-core. I guess she thought that I said she was too demanding. and from there she kept saying how "Your Loss, you fucked up for not wanting me when I wanted you. and you fucked up this Friends-with-benefits relationship we had. fuck you, bye ^.^"

I tried to text her and call her repeatedly to try and clarify that it was only a joke text and that I didn't mean she was demanding. But the only response I would get was "Bye ^.^" Each time I called, I either got her got a ringtone then straight to voice mail or her phone was turned off completely and then to voicemail. I was trying to talk some sense into her but she refused to listen or even give me a chance to make things clear~

Today [February 18, 2012], I drove down to the Springs to see her. If she wasn't going to allow me to talk to her over the phone or respond to my texts, I thought that speaking with her face-to-face would at least show that I wasn't trying to be a jerk and that I'm putting in effort to want to be with her. When I got to her parking lot, I exited out of the car and saw her walking out. We made eye contact and I waved. She just looked away and walked towards her car. I ran to her:

"Could you PLEASE just hear me out? You don't even have to say anything. Look, I'm sorry I made you upset. I didn't mean to. I thought you could tell I was joking but it clearly came off wrong. Again, I'm really sorry~"

"You shouldn't have come down here. You're wasting your time. Besides, I'm busy. Once I get ready, I'm going to Manitou Springs..."

She hopped in her car as I tried to talk to her. She stared at me blankly, closed her door, and drove up to her door. I went back to my car and wrote a letter to her. I was going to leave it on her front door but I saw her car was in front with the hazards, unattended. I ended up leaving the letter on her driver-side door and walked off. As I was walking away, I heard her front door open/close. I didn't bother turning back~

What was in the letter? I was basically saying how, again, sorry I was and that I didn't think all this hooplah was worth losing a friendship over. If she wouldn't even give me the satisfaction of trying to make things clear, maybe all the stuff we shared since NYE was just bullshit. I told her that I was sorry that I denied her back in October and that I misunderstood her intentions [just like how she misunderstood my text]. And I finally told her "I'm sorry, Amanda, that I fell in love with you~"
.........................................................................

After consulting some friends about the situation, they all think that she'll try and contact me back when she calms down. This, I highly doubt. This wasn't the first time she cut off someone completely over a misunderstanding. At least with THAT guy, she attempted to make things clear. Comparatively, a misunderstood text is juvenile comparted to what happened between her and the other guy~

The more I start to think about it, the more I wonder if this was her plan from the start. Couldn't this be a revenge/pay-back type of deal? Build me up to want her until the point where I confess then she finds an excuse to turn me down like I apparently did back in October? If that were the case, why would she go to great lengths to act all girlfriend-like and relationship-y only to tell me "Since October, I've become COMPLETELY incapable of having any feelings for you. Determined to break any man's heart." If that were true, was it really worth it to string me along for this amount of time? Did she really mean that or was she just angry? She also did make mention she was drunk. Considering the possible factors, THIS revenge scenario is probable. One of the things I told her when we first started talking again was "I strongly dislike [mind] games. If you're going to be real with me, by all means. but don't waste my time [and yours] just to fuck with my head. That's what happened with the ex and I'd like to avoid doing that again, if possible~" At this point, I truly feel that might've been her intent from the start. It's stuff like this that makes me weary about falling for ANY woman again~

I made a bet with a friend about the situation. He said "I bet you $100 that she'll call you back." I bet she wouldn't so right now, $100 is on the line for the next 4 weeks. Both of us are confident. He thinks she'll try to contact me wanting to apologize and say she's sorry. I think she's dropped me entirely and I can expect to never hear from her again. So, come March 17th, one of us will be $100 richer~

The worst part about it: It feels like we broke up and we weren't even dating. Even more so, I don't like things ending without legitimate reason. Over a simple text message, I didn't think it was enough to warrant the end of a friendship. But perhaps, there never was a friendship to begin with. I don't know....

I do know that this is just another chapter in the B-Rad story-arc. I'm sure I'll learn something from this so I can't treat it as a waste. However, I don't really have a choice but to move forward~

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A GIRL......