Reconsider This~

It's been almost a month since I've last blogged. I feel like I've been lagging a bit. There are all kinds of thoughts that have been flowing my mind. However, I just haven't been in the mood to really type about it. Still, I figured it's time to get to it~

Last month [9-16-10 to be precise], I went to Steamboat Springs to head up to Strawberry Park Hot Springs. It's been 2 months since the incident and I needed time to clear my thoughts. I must say, the drive really did the trick. It was very scenic and I enjoyed it much. However, the actual hot springs was where I came to my point of depression [so to speak]. I must advise that it's not a good idea to go to a romantic couple's spot such as a hotsprings when you're single. Don't get me wrong...it was relaxing as can be. It, however, proved to be quite a lonely experience. I started to think what options I had in regards to my current relationship status and what can be done to change it. I was only there for one night. Being by myself with nothing to do/no one to share it with, one night was long enough. Again, the drive was the best part about it~

The question of "un-breaking up" has been the main focus. Trying to weigh out my options, possible outcomes/scenarios, etc. In all honesty, I am willing to consider the possibilty. Maybe it was partly because of my surroundings [I'm now that single guy within my circles and it's a terrible feeling]. I haven't ruled out the possibility of desperation either. It is a feasible reason but not primary. The main reason why I've considered it is because I truly want to believe that putting in all the hard work will pay off. I really want to believe that it wasn't a waste. Despite all the things she and I have endured, my feelings were real. They ARE real. I've confronted her about it. I told her that the only way it could work is if both of us are honest with each other and, more importantly, with ourselves. I guess I took too much time to come to that conclusion. She's made it known that with her new-found freedom [which is something she's always had], that there are other possibilities out there. I must say, it was painful to hear. But, at the same time, it's reality. I don't have any right to ruin that for her. So, I sit expecting the worst while hoping for the best~

I would love to go and explore other ventures, believe me. However, I'm not in a position to make take those steps. One of the main things I missed about ABC was the ability to easily meet new people. I can't do that at my current place of employment. I don't think it's very attractive to approach someone while you're miserable. I think it would be prudent to introduce yourself at your best. I have also considered going out with friends as well. Unfortunately, almost all attempts have been denied to to frequent bail-outs. It's happened so frequently, I've started to question if I just don't have that "fun-to-hang-out-with" appeal~

I've consulted different outlets. One currently expresses similar frustrations, another is experiencing what I've experienced in the last few years, a third has already experienced the situation and provides opinion. While only able to converse through digital means, the act of actually hanging out seems highly unlikely due to the current circumstances [in each case]. I'm coming to the conclusion that people need to expand and let themselves go in order to find what's truly desired. The hard part is facing the fear of ALL possible outcomes~
..........

As far as the job is concerned, I'm continually stuck in this sort of limbo that I'm unable to claw my way out of. I'm in this paradoxal position where I can move promote outside the realms of customer service to the sanctuary from beligerence. All my [scoring] stats qualify me to make this transition. However, due to my AHT, I'm unable to take that step forward. In order for me to move forward, I must lower my AHT. Unfortunately, I'm working a position that I wasn't originally hired for which drives my AHT up [which I have little control over when a customer is fire-angry]. Because of this issue, it's caused the whole bootcamp training. While trying to improve, things got worse. In turn, caused a write-up on my record. Basically, in order for me to get out of dealing with angry customers [which I hate doing, my biggest weakness, and my supervisors are aware of], I must keep taking those types of customers. Gotta love customer service.....

The worst part about the whole thing is that I was ALWAYS eligible to transfer to different departments. I was always told that [prior to the extra training], the AHT kept me away from transfers. I later came to find out that the only thing that it kept me from was receiving a bonus on my paycheck. Of course, I find this out AFTER the I get my write-up, which I must wait 90 days to clear so I can actually make that transition. During the time I believed I couldn't transfer, I've ranked in the top 5 in the entire department [primarily based on QA and Customer Satisfaction; excluding AHT]. That's gotta count for something~

It also doesn't help that policies and procedures are constantly changing. The main reason why I left my last job was because of inconsistency within company guidelines. I find that very same thing occuring in my current place of employment. After months of pounding procedure into your brain, you're forced to drop that habit in less than a week...maybe even a day. Without time to recover, misguided info can mark you down, causing more write-ups and other disciplinary action. Paradox~?

I'm also not in a position to go out and job-hunt either. First off, the job market is pretty terrible so I should be grateful that I even have a job [for the time being]. Unfortunately, I don't have the means to even job hunt. Getting on a computer is rare to do any searches [lack of resources]. Lack of time is also a factor. Can't use the computers because the computers in the apt computer room are always taken up by kids playing around with their online avatars [think zwinkee]. And the computer room closes at an ungodly time [5pm]. Once, I tried to sit patiently in the room while the little shitlings played around with their zwinkee's. After an hour of waiting, then they decided to do their homework. It's like, "SHIT~! People got some important shit to do so either do your homework now or get the fuck out~!" Seriously...I hate kids today. Another implication is my time for when I could actually go out if I manage to land an interview. It's almost unrealistic how things just fall into place [or in this case, don't fall into place]. I feel like I have a better chance of winning the lottery than finding a new job~

For a long time, I've felt like I've been stuck in this rut that I can't get out of. It's really hard to find the motivation to move forward. Yes, I understand that the desire to get out of the current situation should be all the motivation a person needs. However, it's hard to be motivated when every action you make is stacked against you. I need that vigor. I need something/someone to push me. I need some kind of support system to keep the fuel going~

Again, I refuse to be left behind and I'm doing all I can to catch up to everyone. My peers seem to be doing well and are currently doing what they want to do [or taking the necessary action to do so] and I want to be in that position too. Maybe I've been playing the victim role too much but can there please be no more obstacles? Please? Just for once, I'd like things to go my way~

Currently: contemplating what my next move should be. If there is one~

Down Time~

After 45 months, the girlfriend and I are no more. Official date is 7/20/10. It was one week after our 45 month anniversary. I've noticed a trend that all our major arguments occure within a week of our anniversary; it's very unsettling. I'm sure there are a few that feel this was a necessary move. She and I had a civil breakup, at least. We both agreed it was something that needed to happen. Due to whatever the circumstance, it was decided to be the next step. At first, I wasn't bothered by it. However, as the days went by, I was left alone with my thoughts and dwelled where things went wrong. I find I'm blaming myself for why things didn't work out. But I also realize I did all I could do and then some. It's my nature to hold everything to myself. I don't like to burden others with my own issues. The "friends" card is still an option. Is it actually possible? I can't say for sure. As nice as it would be, I'm not sure it's likely (at this time) but we are trying. Well....I am anyways. She seems better off, actually. I'm happy for her happiness. However, I do feel sad, jealous, or even angry that I can't make her smile like that anymore. Further I look back, I don't think I've ever made her as happy as she seems now. I could be wrong but that's what seems to be projected. Whoever said "The best revenge is to show them you're doing much better" hit the nail right on the head. I'm not saying it's a revenge motive but it surely is a swift kick in the nuts~

Work has been quite worrisome as of late. Yesterday, I began my first day of bootcamp training to help my AHT [average handle time]. It's a 4 week course designed to make me a more efficient CSR. With that comes a new schedule change. I was highly looking forward to actually having weekends off. The entire month of July required manadatory 6th Day. Last friday, I was looking forward to my first real weekend in a very long time. However, with my schedule change and the company's last minute decision to extend the 6th day for another month, my weekend was taken away from me. Even with plans already set in place, work is absolute and plans had to be changed~

After the break-up, I promised myself a little Brad-Time. I need some time to myself to reflect on everything. It was planned for when 6th Day was over. However, 6th Day had been extended which pushes my plans even further. With the combination of relationship and work, the vacation time seems more and more of a necessity. I haven't decided where. Ideally, it'd be out of state (CA, WA, HI maybe) but realistically, it would be a little more local. Away from Denver/CSprings of course. Been leaning towards a hot springs. It was something she and I wan'ted to do but won't happen now. Hot springs sound relaxing and cheaper that flying out. More likely, that's going to be the course of action~

Currently: would like to experience a massage. I feel like I could really use one right now~

Smoke & Mirrors~

As time progresses, I find myself remaining stagnant. With all the efforts of trying to move forward, certain obstacles block my path towards moving up in the world. Recently, it's been known to my Coach that I wish to transfer to a new department within the company. However, with a minor setback, I'm unable to make the transition for another 90 days. What was once a 6 month wait became a 9 month wait. And with all the last-minute policy changes, it's quite likely it might take even longer. My options are to A) stick it out and keep striving to move within ranks or B) continue the search for a more desirable position elsewhere. Based on how things are going, a side-hunt seems to be a more logical course of action. The fact that the combination of normal pay + holiday pay + [mandatory] overtime = less than the girlfriend's base pay makes me more discouraged with my current employer and more motivated to take the necessary steps to make a better life for myself~

Recently tried to take up exercising on a regular basis. 3 weeks in, I'm feeling good. However, with how work's been [draining me physically and mentally], I've been slacking a bit. I've missed an entire week of exercising. I keep telling myself I'll do it tonight but end up too exhausted to lift myself from my bed to lifting some weights. I can already feel the affects of it. Probably not the best idea but I'm going to have to double my efforts this weekend. The fact it's a 3-day weekend, all the more reason to not slack around~

Either I've become more oblivious or more accustomed, it's been at a standstill. Lack of any physical interaction and an increase in monotony makes me question the direction I'm heading in. Things are neither better nor worse. Just there. I'm trying to find a legitimate reason to keep moving forward in that regard but perhaps I've convinced myself it's just normal. Knowing me, I don't want to settle for the ordinary. I want the extraordinary. Hard work is supposed to pay off, isn't it? I haven't seen the fruits of my labor...yet. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. Now would be a good time to gather my thoughts under the night sky as the stars twinkle down towards me; with a Honey Moon loosely grasped in my hand while atop a multi-story garage~

I'm looking forward to the month of July. 3 paychecks in the month will definitely make the savings look a lot nicer. The dream becomes closer to grasp. So long as nothing interferes or gets in the way, I should be able to purchase my steed by August. Too long have setbacks like owing for taxes or faulty transportation issues have gotten in my path. The offer still stands. So long as nothing happens, this time for sure~

With all the nonsense I've been going through in the last few weeks, I deserve a break. I believe I'll purchase myself a gift. Perhaps I'll participate in the War On Cybertron. It'll keep me entertained long enough to avoid any other spending. Then I'll be good to go~

Resin~

The days continue to creep past me. With an odd work schedule different from others, my days seem to blend together. Perhaps it's the daily grind of work, maybe it's getting older, or possibly my inability to stay focused; everything seems like one huge blur. However, what I can be thankful for is the fact that I'm here, alive and well, typing away on this keyboard. Any day I'm alive is a good day~

I can't entirely say that things have been bad [aside from the usual gripes]. On the contrary, things have been going somewhat smoothly. Last friday, I finally upgraded my television to HD. I'm quite smitten with my 32" Sony Bravia 1080p, 120Mhz. After months, possibly years, of talk, I finally took the step and got it and, I must say, it's a wonderful piece of machinery. Prior to that, went to a Lupe Fiasco concert and I enjoyed myself to the fullest. Not much of a concert goer but it was worth it. Tonight, I'll be attending Body Worlds for the first time. It'll be interesting to see what science will present with donated bodies. I'm scared but excited at the same time. There's an art show going on at my former Art Survey Professor's gallery. The primary artist is a Japanese-American from COSprings whose work portrays the life of an asian-american in manga format. It'll be interesting to see. I intend to pay my former teacher a visit~

Although I carry my art materials with me every day, I've yet to make a cohesive collection to get the ball rolling. With the demand of work, I've been left with this tired-ness that consumes the remainder of my afternoons/evenings. I'm still trying to keep that motivation going. With the success of my comrades, it's either a motivator or discourager. I've buried my face in class schedules/catalogs in order to find a suitable degree to pursue. After seeing my degree as being in the bottom 5 careers that make the less money [thanks, yahoo.news], it makes me regret the path I've chosen. However, with my art background, it can reinforce other skills I intend to acquire with graphic design/programming. It's just a matter of accumulating the funds to move forward. Money makes the world go 'round and it's something that many people lack right now. My day will come. And when it does, I'll be laughing at those who doubt me~

I've spent a little quality time in my kitchen. Experimenting with various dishes and coming across alternatives to ramen, bacon, spam, and corned beef. Experimenting is a wonderful thing. It's the clean-up I can do without. Like Puraw-Wave, I'd like to kick back with a chilled bottle of Blue Moon [summer....honey moon?] and take in the tranquility of peace and quiet~

Nothing left to report. Other than to thank everyone with their patience. I promise, I'll make you proud~

Fuel For Thought~

It's been a rough reality of struggling since the departure of my kinsman. More specifically, since graduating from higher education. Since then, the fist-pumping chants of "Fai-toh" plays repeatedly through my ears. Unfortunately, society makes it difficult to keep fighting sometimes. With the job market in its lows, trying to take steps to success become more of an obstacle course with challenge after challenge blocking the goal. As the challenges pile higher, the initial goal becomes more of a dream that's almost unattainable. But there's something that keeps a person striving to become something they aspire to be. The prayers and support of loved-ones become the fuel to drive over all the pot holes. Nothing negative ever came out of hard work because after the battle is over, all the blood, sweat, and tears seem to be worth reaching the mountain top. Things don't happen overnight. If they did, many of us would be in a better place. Unfortunately, the harsh reality is that the world is a hard and scary place. This is why a support system is so very important. No one can make things happen on their own. But with the love of others, anything seems possible~

But what does a person do when his/her primary source of comfort fades away? While trying to find an exit in the depths of insecurity and the maze of hopelessness, it's only natural to search for that guiding light to bid safe passage into the land of salvation. It's only natural to hope that the hand that you so desperately reach for reaches back. But what happens if that hand doesn't? What if it pushes it away, leaving you trapped in that maze? It's been a question I've been dealing with for quite some time now. With the decline of endearment dropping at an alarming rate and the incline of tension rising to regular occurances, I've started to wonder what happened? Simple conference trigger battles of ideologies and the hard work start to lose meaning. Behind the smokescreen of smiles, empathy, and encouragement hide the bearing fangs of contempt, disgust, and disappointment. Unaware/unappreciative of the battles that independence face everyday, the sheltered perceptions of the outside world becomes nothing more than a breath of ease. Only to add further insult to injury, the snicker at emotional damage and self-worth breaks down being like a hair in an acid bath. The relentless demoralization prompts me to put all the pieces of the puzzle together. Although only hunches, they haven't let me down just yet and I draw back to a possible conclusion~

Futher reinforced by the unwillingness to understand or to even attempt understanding, I find myself at wits end. The only means of overcoming is the urge to prove the latter wrong. However, that burning flame slowly fades away as the fuel had been doused by the cold waters of discouragement. At the brink of break-down, the sound of assuagement rings from the most unexpected wellspring. Indeed, it had momentarily lightened my spirits and urged me to move forward. However, one thing leads to another, and my mind comes to another stop. With much contemplation, I find myself trapped in trying to find a commonground/balance/compromise. The sense of belonging where I felt I would always be welcomed didn't seem to exist anymore; or rather, it seemed to fade away. Had my efforts really been bled out by the wound of time? Continually, I don't want to believe it, much less accept it. When one drops their heart on the dirty ground, it's hoped that the one salvation would cradle it comfortingly and clean it from dejection rather than bury it in mud~

In order to keep myself occupied with the dreams of making things better, I decided to unleash my workstation to the world once more. By doing so, I hope to refuel that childhood dream with the hopes and dreams that my past life had for me. I do not wish to let them down. I also started to make the first move of contacting those in the field. With the initiative (something that shows apparent lacking in most individuals), I hope to gain further insight on finally reaching my own Mt Everest~

Currently: paving a pathway through all the waste to reach my Garden of Eden.

Crystal Stasis~

It's nice to hear of the successes of friends/family. Knowing that they are able to achieve a daunting goal is inspiration that I, too, am able to make my dreams come true. There never is an easy way of reaching that destination. If there were, I'd be designing characters for games/movies/animes/etc years ago. Indeed, all the hard work makes you realize that the hardships are worth the final result. Fruits of your labors, if you will. I know what options are available to me. It's just a matter of getting off my ass and taking the initiative. For a while, I've been a sort of slump and had very little [if any] motivation. However, with the help of friends and the realization of my current path in life, I've been fueled with a new vigor to reach what I've yearned for. Steps I've taken: bringing my sketchbook to work every day; write down as many new ideas to develop some story; explore the trends and find what's marketable; research where I need to go and what I need to do to get there. I can no longer be tied down by the "day in/day out" lifestyle. I'm not happy with it so it is my will to overcome the purgatory and acheive paradise~

Generally being a passive person, my hidden nature to never back down seldomly emerges. Perhaps it's resilience or [more accurately] stubbornness. Either way, I believe in equal exchange. Hypocracies that are allowed to take shape when it's supportive of the latter. In acknowledge of this, the reality of the matter is that conflicting sides can't coexist in peace or harmony. In this type of union, the ideals of compromise does not exist. Instead, sacrifice fits the bill. The desire of equality is long sought after. It was that desire that brought our nation to where it is today. Although not everyone is created equal, it makes us strive further for that imaginary utopia. It's human nature. There's the desire to strive for what we don't have. From starting off as a simple want, it gradually becomes a necessity; a need. I have to acquire that need in order to reach my paradise~

In realization, there are many, many steps that must be taken. It may come from different aspects of life but the end result shares a common goal. Consider it my Focus. I would have to complete that focus before the brand of the L'Cie opens its eye. It would help to have a timeline, of course. That would create a higher sense of urgency. I tend to lose my way and forget of hope. It's about that time when I need my eidolon to show me the way and put me back on track~

Along those lines, I've signed up for a Best Buy credit card. Initially, it was so I can get myself an HDTV. My tube tv is on its last legs and I would like to finish my FFXIII experience in its high definition glory. After knowing what I qualify for, it dawned on me that my credit score is not its best. I haven't checked it but I know it can't be very good. Was signing up for a second card a mistake? I hope not. By having a second line of credit, I hope that it can strengthen me in the long run. After speaking with Puraw-Wave and my father, it seems to be the correct course of action. However, maybe now wasn't the best time. After just paying $700+ in taxes, I'm back to living an even more meager lifestyle. Struggling from check to check is what I've gone back to since the removal of Overtime from work. It's going to be a hard journey. But, as previously stated, "all the hard work makes you realize that the hardships are worth the final result"~

G-Dragon~

Last week marked the triumphant visit of Lechon Kinenbi and it was quite a dashing-good time. New videos, stuffing our faces with food, K-World, and Sunny were among the many moments shared by the trifecta of awesomeness. An enjoyable tradition held on the rooftops upon dear cousin's arrival proved to be too cold for ill-equipped feet. However, the moon itself indeed presented itself with its blueness as we kicked back one bottle then wiped out various amounts back in the loft. As friendship always comes together in such good terms, time surely passes by when you're having fun. And I must say, that was quite a splendiferous time I won't take for granted. A new sensation had also been realized in the form of the most peculiar of eyedrops. I'm not sure if the fresh sensation is because the burning had subsided (because anything would feel fresh after burning) but, as dear cousin had stated, "It's like you threw a piece of gum in your eye and now it's minty fresh." Indeed, it felt quite invigorating. I just might have to have Puraw Wave acquire some for me as well~

Roughly around the same time, another best friend/rival arrived in CO with his dear girlfriend. After years of anticipation, we were finally reunited under the context of me playing chauffeur. Denver to COSprings back to Denver to hang out then COSprings to drop the tourists home and finally back home to Denver [fucker still owes me gas money]. He was able to me my girlfriend as I was finally able to meet his. The end result was a dinner at Village Inn (he and I were the only ones to partake....which is a shame) and a snowy drive back. The return trip also invited reason to try an energy drink that supposedly contains NO2. The end result was a headache and an upset tummy. The latter would like to try various flavors. I'll have to respectfully decline. That aside, it was good to see my friend in good spirits. He plans to return to CO in august as a permanent fixture. We shall see how that carries out for he's been trying to move back to the Rocky Mountain State for the last few years now~

I had just finished reading Count and after 2 years, I feel quite accomplished. Monte Cristo is one certified bad-ass and he should be viewed as a god. Next book will be something a little less frenchy, a little less lengthy and told with animals as the main cast. Animal Farm, here I come~

Finding that I owe taxes this year comes as a shocker. Primarily because I worked my ass off. After repeatedly being screwed while I was employed at my previous job, they still managed to screw me over after leaving their services. With my current job, I would've gotten back $800+. However, by adding both W2s from both jobs, I owe our government $400. The car fund had yet again been put on pause. I'm so very close, too. Although I've been saying it for almost a decade, "This year, for sure~"

Will things work out this time around? I hope so. All the work I've been putting in can't be for nothing. I want things to present itself as it has to others. I want to lay in the warmth of satisfaction, gaze at what I accomplished and say that I am proud. At that point, I hope to be free of worry and strive for a higher, better place~

"In the shipwreck of life -- for life is an eternal shipwreck of our hopes -- I throw all my useless baggage in the sea...and remain with my will...and consequently free~"
-Mlle Eugenie Danglars, The Count of Monte Cristo

"...until the day when God deigns to unveil the future to mankind, all human wisdom is contained in these two words: 'wait' and 'hope'!"
-Edmond Dantes, The Count of Monte Cristo