It's Not That I've Become A Better Person, I Just Went Back To How I Used To Be~

It's been months since I've last blogged. For a while, I would exclusively write in my journal. And even then, I've taken a break from it. I suppose there's a lot of catching up to do. I don't want to type a whole book about it so I'll try and make it brief~

Since January, I've started to develop a type of mentality that I was hoping for when she and I first broke up: Stop caring/thinking/worrying too much. At first, I was only able to acheive this with the help of good ol' Liquid Courage [I've come to find that RedBull+Vodka has become my beverage of choice]. Slowly but surely, I've started to reach that particular mentality without the use of alcohol. Granted, it's a liberating feeling. However, I've noticed that it can get me into a little bit of trouble. One main thing is that it's attracted lots of attention [both good and bad]. I've managed to gain some new friends because of this new/former persona. I've been able to reinforce friendships that I thought might've been lost if I remained stagnant. Another thing that it's been attracting is some interest of female suitors. Unfortunately, not the type I'm into. Primarily being, those with ridiculous 5-piece sets of BAGGAGE. Drama seems to follow these women in an uncontrollable rate. My philosophy is: the best way to avoid drama is to not be there at all. By this, I try to take myself completely out of the equation/situation. Unfortunately, I'm somehow drawn right into the middle of it. Mostly through TEAM: CO BloodLine and TEAM: AZN Denver. Rumors, lies, backstabbings, etc. It's become a whole new beast in terms of story-arc [that I'll have to save for another day]~

With that, I've been going out a lot more. I've been retracing my steps and going back to my roots as a dancer [hip-hop/b-boy, freestyle, house, etc]. It's gained me the nickname "HappyFeet" because I WANT to learn how to sing/play an instrument but I just know how to move. It's been getting me enough praise to where I'll continue to bring myself back up to snuff. My sense of style/fashion has changed as well [maybe gone back to what it used to be also]. Lately, I've been purchasing my clothes at Forever 21 Men [FXXI; and yes they DO have a men's department]. I've been enjoying things like cardigans, hoods, vests, collars, and skinny ties especially. Also, I've started to build a small collection of VANS slip-on shoes. Must say...they're my fave now. The combination of these two items along with my new-found mentality seems to be working out for the better~

That's not to say I'm completely healed from the events from almost a year ago [especially after finding out that she's got herself a new boyfriend. More likely the one she was kinda interested in when she and I were still "talking" and "unbreaking up" was a viable option]. I'll admit that I've gotten tons better since then. However, it still hurts. Do I mask the pain with drinks? No, just dance and driving range. Regardless, I've been in enough situations right now that should take my mind off things. Yes, I still think about it sometimes [while cleaning, I found a Valentine's bag with our memories in it] but not to the capacity as I did say a few months ago~

I've come a long way since mid-July 2010. Friends have noticed and they've congradulated me on my "triumphant return" so to speak. Plenty of "About Time" and "Good to have you back" comments. It does warm the heart knowing the kind of support system I have. It's allowed me to acknowledge all the awesome-ness that my friends see in me [notice how I didn't use the word accept]. I've most certainly gained some/most of my confidence back however, I'm not 100% there. Once I reach that point, there'll be a new Brad that I can say I'm proud of. I'll be able to understand what it was that my exes have seen in me and I'll be able to accept what it is that my dear friends see that allows me to be a part of their lives~

I've got a good amount of stories to share but my time in the computer room is almost up and I have to cut it short. Be on the look-out for more to come~

Currently: jamming out to some Nujabes on my Skullcandy: GI's [Tokidoki edition]~

Inappropriate Shoes~

Funny; the moment I make a boast to take on 2011, things seem to go downhill. 2010 was a pretty bad year for me. I want to say almost if not just as bad as my 2005. After a sort-of revisiting to my former self, I welcomed 2011 with open arms. Up to a certain point, things seemed to be somewhat promising. However, it seems like my place of employment presents itself as the largest [immediate] obstacle I have to face right out the gate. Oddly enough, it's having a negative impact on other aspects of my [social] life~

EXAMPLE 1:
January 2, 2010 [saturday]; DJ Bad Boy Bill was spinning at Beta. He is a DJ that holds high significance to me. Let's put it this way, he's the reason that made me get into House Music/B-Boy in the first place. Essentially, this DJ changed my life. Unfortunately, I was unable to go to the show because of Mandatory OverTime at my place of employment. So I had to be in bed while the rest of my friends were making their way to the show. I wake up at 4:30AM on Sunday [my day off, mind you] to prepare for work. As I wake up, I receive a phone call from a friend that went to the club the previous night stating he needs a ride/place to crash [think the Old Chicago/Tivoli/Detox incident a few years back. Maybe 12/05]. Unfortunately, I couldn't be a friend in need due to strict rules of the job. By the time I get to work, my supervisor informs me that 6th day was cancelled the previous day and HR was calling all employees to let them know. However, I never got the phonecall [even though I updated my contact information a month ahead for such occurances]. Immediately, I go home and fall asleep to try and catch up on the 4hrs I got previous. Later during the week, I'm told that because I didn't work the overtime that was CANCELED, I have to make up those hours by staying 2 hours after my regular shift. So...coming in to work mandatory overtime only to find it was canceled; staying to work it is optional, but because I didn't work it, had to make up for it by working longer during the week...? Yeah, tell me if THAT makes sense~

EXAMPLE 2:
Pretty much the same as last week. Because of a specific contractual agreement with my place of employment and another major corporation; another mandatory OverTime shift was instituted by upper management. Of course, it was scheduled on my day off [today] when Colorado's supposed to be expecting 10+ inches of snow. I wake up early [again] to find a light dusting [that the Chevy S10 can barely handle]. I get to work and my supervisor laughs, "ooohh....you're gonna be pissed." Already knowing what he's gonna say, "It's been canceled again, right? And how come I didn't receive notification THIS time? My number's been updated." "We didn't find out until 10pm last night." In my mind, my supervisor could've still left a message. He has my new number, he could've texted me, whatever. So, due to this terrible lack of communication, I've wasted my gas, time, sleep for a BS job. Just to make it slightly worth my time, I worked an hour anyways. Yeah...still not worth it. Again, missed out on another night with Team AZN at Beta and potentially missed out on meeting new people~

FUCK YOU, Work.....

........................................

Friday night, I had nothing to do. Well, let me rephrase that...I had no one to hang out with. At that same time, one of my beautiful friends was participating in this model search where she ranked in the top 15 [out of 125, I believe?]. So, I decided to attend to show my support. Unfortunately, I was already running a bit late since I was catching up on sleep. So I made my way to the designated location. However, I couldn't find the place. So, I spent a good 40 mins trying to locate it. BTW, the 5Points area is scary. After finally finding a parking spot, I enter the building only to find they're about ready to announce the winners. Unfortunately, I was unable to get inside due to still needing to pay the cover [seriously? It was almost over and they still wanted cover]. Not having any cash, I asked for the nearest ATM location. The doorman pointed across the street to a US Bank. Even though it was across the street, it was still pretty scary. But I wanted to support my friend as much as I could. Unfortunately, the main door to the ATM was locked. Walking back to the venue, I waited outside in the main lobby until it was all over. Fuck it, I just walked right into the main room. Unfortunately, she didn't win but the fact that she made it as far as she did is still amazing and a congraduations is well deserved. As always, she was looking stunning. I greeted her with a hug, said my words, then left. Total time I was probably in the room? MAYBE 4 minutes. But probably over an hour of actually being out and trying to find the place. Although it was to support my friend, it was still a waste of time and gas~

But seeing her make it this far, it got me thinking about my own dreams and aspirations. She's doing what she can to make it. Granted, the regular day job isn't exactly the BEST, but it's to support her dreams and be the best she can be. I'm trying to adopt that same mentality but it's very difficult when things have been going wrong too often. As far as I'm concerned, work has been screwing me over quite a bit. To think that it'll help me acheive my goals seem kinda unrealistic. Actually, maybe even discouraging. But like her, I have to maintain focus and keep my eye on the greater destination. HOPEFULLY, all the hardships will be worth it. Because seriously, I've been living through a ton of hardships [even before 2010] and it's making the final destination seem very unattractive~

After pushing it aside for WAY too long, I finally went to The King Tut Exhibit at the Denver Art Museum last night. Today's the last day and I was pushing it quite close. It's been open for a while. She and I were planning on going while we were still together. That was over 6 months ago. I believe the exhibition was going on for a year or so. Still, I'm glad I went. As an art student, I'd never live it down. Sure, maybe I was lacking in the funds to see it but I found the funds and I'm not going to miss this opportunity. Is it worth living meagerly until payday? Totally. It was Puraw-Wave's first time at the museum. I can say I popped his museum cherry [no-homo]. With that said, it dawned on me that I need to go to the museum a little more often. Also, I haven't been to a 1st Friday Art Walk in quite some time. I should attend those more often too. I need to regain my motivation to chase after my dreams~

........................................

I'd like to backtrack to last week. After work, I met up with Puraw-Wave in an attempt to see King Tut. Unfortunately, we couldn't make the available time due to an engagement I had to attend in CSprings [hence why we went last night instead]. This was a dinner where I was to meet with former comrades in the battle of retail services [oh, high-school job...]. Unfortunately, not everyone could've made it so it ended up being the three of us. It was nice to reconnect with those close to me. Some closer than others. But we all fought in the battle of retail and can find comradery in it. The memories we shared working at that place, the bonds we've made through the trials and tribulations, it was a raised glass [of water] to The Gate Crew. But it was more than just that. We shared our old war stories. Primarily in the House of Venus. All three of us have seen better days in that department but we are all trying to find our own means of overcoming such downpoints. One has even taken the initiative via alternative means. I can say that's more productive than me or the other carrier of the Dick Gene. All joking aside, I can honestly say it's admirable. It's taking a chance and that's more than I'm willing to do~

It got me in the mindset that nothing's ever been won by doing nothing. Because of this, I decided to take a chance as well. Afterall, life/love is a gamble. Either go big or go home, right? Perhaps it was out of desperation, or maybe it was mixed signals, maybe it was repressed feelings that I wouldn't allow myself to make official, I really don't know. Just the same, I decided to make a confession that I probably shouldn't have. Besides, in my mind, what's the worst that could happen? I think I'm finding out now. It's created a kind of awkwardness that can't be revisited. From this expression, I feel that I might've ruined something that I lost out on for almost 8 years. As it would seem, perhaps I just might have to fall off the face of the world for another 8? It seems too similar to what happened back a few months ago. After making such a confession to her, someone who held my heart, we just drifted apart and now just don't talk at all anymore. This recent confession seems like a repeat of the same events. The only difference is rather than losing a significant other, I could potentially be losing a best friend [again]~

Previous to this, I've also made another confession to another close friend. Not so much as a present confession but a "once upon a time" kinda secret. I never really acted on it but it was more of a "I wonder..." kinda deal. It just made things awkward for that situation as well~

In retrospect, I'm coming to find that it's a reoccuring scenario with a LOT of female influences in my life. Some people say that the best lovers start as best friends. Unfortunately, in my case, I don't think I'll ever go beyond the "friend" status. Many things come to mind. Mainly that if we were to get together then break up, what if it was a bad break-up? We could end up hating each other. Or worse, we could still be friends [highly unlikely because friends w/ exes hasn't worked out for me] but we could NEVER be best friends again. After sharing intimate moments, feelings, experiences, it's no longer a Best Friend scenario. It seems impossible to go back to "how things were" so to speak. It might sound pessimistic but if things don't go well, not only do you lose your love, you lose a friendship that took years to build~

Thoughts as such makes me not want to try taking that risk anymore. I suppose being lonely in love is better than being lonely in friendship. As it stands now, my friend-list is decreasing as I get older and I'd like to hold onto the few friends I have now~

........................................

I'm getting old. In a few years, I'll be turning 30 and I'm nowhere near where I want to be in life. I'm not at all close to working my dream job. I'm nowhere close to having some sort of glimmer to having a soulmate. With 2 potential wife-material gone wrong and with my age, I'm starting to feel that I'll die alone. Among my friends and family, I was expected to be the first to get married an now it might not even happen. I started to toy with the idea of moving away from Colorado. I don't want to be stuck here forever. I sort of just want to start over with everything. Unfortunately, that means leaving everything/everyone behind. I don't think I'm strong enough to do that. Although I don't think that it would be noticed~

Oddly, during the BANGS Story Arc, I made the statement that "I wasn't looking for anything...but whenever I do start looking again, I won't find it here in Colorado." Low and behold, I was in a 3year9month relationship shortly after. I guess things are possible but that's the whole thing with risk. It can either be prosperous or disasterous. Right now, I'm not sure if I can do anything~

Again, I feel a little left behind as far as Best Hit Generation goes. It's a familiar feeling that I had a few years ago. I don't think I can face my Brothers-In-Arms and say, "Gentlemen, we made it." Like I said earlier, I need to find that motivation to get my blood going again. Maybe the only way to do that is to start somewhere new then come back with a new vigor. All of 2010 and going into 2011, my mind's been at a constant uncertainty. It would be nice to have a little reassurance here and there. Meh...I don't really know anymore. I guess I'll have to live the mundane for now. Just float see where the waves of life take me. But the thing about that is that I'm not a very good swimmer~

Currently: trying to figure out a plan~

Inception~

It's been over 2 months since I last posted something. I supposed I've been busy trying to figure things out and just live life. Also, I've been trying to write in my journal a little more often. I must say, lots happened since the last time I've posted so this entry might be quite the read~

SHE and I had gone to the NERD/Gorillaz concert back in 10/24/10. I had originally thought it was going to be a good night. We had dinner before the concert and it seemed like we would be good. Before that, there've been a few times we've hung out and the idea/feeling of possibly getting back together seemed feasible [to me, anyways]. She would toss hints that it would still be a possiblity. Although a bit aprehensive, I still kept it in mind. Anyways, the concert was fine. However, afterwards was a different story. She kept receiving calls from various people to go to this house party [apparently, someplace she frequents nowadays]. Needless to say, I was a bit hurt by it but it wasn't my place to do/say anything. To show that I'd be ok with it, I offered to even take her there if she knew the way. She'd frequently decline...that is until her sister came to pick her up. At that point, it was on like white on rice. She says she felt bad and apologized. I let her know that it didn't matter what I thought anyways and they were off. Before I started my drive home, we went back and forth texting. It started with her saying "I'm sorry. =( I'm going to feel bad forever." I let her know that she had nothing to worry about. It's not like I was her boyfriend anymore anyways. I tried to play it off that it didn't matter anyways and that she was free to do whatever. The following day, I asked her if she really thought about getting back together or if that was just all talk. She responded that she did consider it but felt it was for the wrong reasons. After prying, she felt that she just wanted the title of being in a relationship. She didn't like being single. I tried letting her know that it wouldn't be wrong unless she felt that she could really fall in love again. She stated that it was important that I still remained in her life. She stated she felt that we could still talk and whatnot. After constant comforting, we just kinda ended the conversation~

A few days later, I just texted her again to see if she wanted to still work on that movie list. From there, it lead to me stating that I was slowly disappearing from her life when it was something that she didn't want happening. Her immediate response was that she didn't recall ever saying it. While trying to get some kind of confirmation, I came to the conclusion that pretty much everything up until the point of the concert was a lie. I was being led on to believe that things between us were possible. Hell, I was led on to believe that she loved me [even though she really didn't]. Putting the pieces together, and she did make mention of it previous times before, that she would only say things because she thought it was something that I wanted to hear. Who knows how much of our relationship was a lie...The last time I heard from her was 11/3/10 when the texts took place. Shortly after, I found that she blocked me from pretty much everything. When I look back at it, she never wanted to be friends even though she said she did. She was the one that broke up with me, she was the one that deleted me from her friends list, she was the first to block me, she was even the first one to say we shouldn't be friends after we hung out at DragonBoat Festival [7/24/10]. And yet, she still wanted to keep me around. Trying to bring it all together, I feel that I was just there for her convenience. I think I was just a back-up in case her new interest didn't work out. It would make sense...

I guess it was inevitable. After we broke up, she's been out almost every weekend hitting bars, going to house-parties. It was bound to happen that she would meet someone else. But what hurt most is being led to believe things were actually possible when they really weren't. After not hearing from her in a month, I decided to write her a letter. This was my letter to inform her of my final release from her. I didn't like how we just ended so, for myself, I just needed the closure. I wrote her my thoughts and enclosed the bracelets that she made me...braclets she said that was supposed to represent our love for each other [but later came to the conclusion that was a lie as well]. Looking back at one of the letters/cards we wrote each other when we first started dating, she mentioned that she felt that no one could love her...that she was "un-lovable" but I had let her know that I loved her for almost 4 years and that it was possible. That was my final goodbye, I suppose. Terrible way to end my 5-day Thanksgiving/Birthday weekend~

I wasn't expecting a reply. She's the type of person to blow off something that didn't appeal to her. But for some reason, I kept thinking I'd see a text/missed call on my phone, an email, or even a response waiting for me on my door. It obviously didn't happen. Part of me is happier that way. Then I can really move on. However, another part of me is a bit disappointed. I suppose it goes to show that me being in her life was a lie [much like everything else, it seems]. In the meantime, I've been keeping busy~

Since the last time I've posted, I've been out a lot more frequently. Spending time with friends, going to bars/clubs, meeting new people...whatever the case may be. I feel like I'm trying to make up for lost time. Or maybe trying to overcompensate for something that I missed out on. I'm glad, actually. Sorta feels like I'm coming out of my shell, so to speak. However, I kinda feel like the old guy trying to act young. Lucky for me, I'm Asian so I can at least look young. I've been requenting Beta with Kevin and his crew. Liquid courage seems to help exponentially. I can't really say that I get incredibly drunk but just happy enough to not care about the little things. The last few times I've been to Beta, there've been missed opportunities. For example, Thursday of last week, some girl continually played grab-ass with me. At first, I thought it was some joke or a dare by her friends so didn't pay too much mind to it. But it kept happening. It wasn't until closing when it happened one last time and I caught her. Incredibly cute...I believe her name was Alex. Unfortunately, couldn't do much because her friends were leaving and screamed at her to go. It would've been nice if I had acted on it sooner. Not enough booze in me to stop dwelling on the little things. The next day, I went to Beta w/ former co-workers. While doing my own thing, a pretty looker tagged me and said "I think you're best friends with my sister [Morgan]..." Unfortunately, I didn't know her sister. Before I could really say anything after to try and get to know her, she and her friend bolted with the quickness in a sort of embarrassment. I lost them in the crowd...another lost opportunity. The following night, went to a fashion show to see my friend Cassidy do her modeling thing at SUTRA. Talked to 2 super-cutes but one was super intimidating [she was incredibly ripped. She even let me rub up on her bare abs]. Danced up on me but was super aggressive. That's just as hot as it is scary. P.Wave and I ended up leaving to check out some other clubs in the area. Just this last Thursday, went to Beta again with Kevin and his crew. Had some drinks with DJ Trajikk [Note* his specialty TRAJIKK SHOT will fuck you up]. While on the patio, this cute girl complimented my fashion sense. I shot back complimenting her outfit. Well, her entire look actually. I was going to try talking to her further but she was seated next to a sexy black guy [no-homo] so I didn't want to take that chance. However, on the opposite side of the guy was another pretty girl. It was quite possible that SHE might've been the third wheel and I just kinda let her down. After consulting P.Wave and ACTION about it, it was another missed opportunity that I let slip away due to thinking too much. Although drinking does help me loosen up, I need to build my confidence back up to the point to where I can have that "just don't give a fuck" attitude again without the use of being under the influence. It's a little hard to however. 2 LTR with the girl breaking up with me and lying to me....hard to gain that confidence back. Slowly, but surely, it'll happen. It has to~

When I reflect back on the last few years, it feels like it was a dream. Seeing how I'm acting lately versus how I was back then, it seems almost incredibly out of character. I don't want to say that SHE was holding me back...but since the break-up, it seems like more [social] opportunities had openned its doors and I'm at liberty to answer. Then I start to think about the relationship itself. It almost seems sureal. It's like it was all make-believe to a certain extent. The only real proof I have that it ever existed is the box of memories I have in my safe and the numerous photos I have saved on my external hard-drive. Looking at the smiles we had shared...I can't help but wonder how much of those events were real. Did they really mean anything to her? Even at that point, was she even in love with me then or was it just another thing she thought I wanted to hear? I guess that's not fair to say...I have to believe that, at one point in time, she was actually in love with me. I just can't pinpoint exactly when she stopped. Not that it matters now [or if it ever did] but it's a remnant of my memory that shows that our relationship actually did exist. Do I really want to discard my box/photos? I mean, I was happy during that time and it sometimes brings comfort to my mind. At the same time, it hurts knowing that something like that ceased to exist for whatever reasons. It's safe to assume that she's gotten rid of all her things of me [seeing how she already deleted me from her life in any other aspect and probably with someone new for quite some time]. I shouldn't have to be the one to hold onto something that's no longer there if there was anything. It's not fair to me, I suppose. But again, it seems like it's the only validation I have that shows that it existed...something tangible. I suppose when I find my new interest, I can truly let go of a 45month long dream and move onto something new~

Other news, I've decided to scrap ideas for obtaining a 10year crush. That being the S14 Nissan 240SX. It truly seems like it's just not gonna happen. And with how weather is in Colorado, I've decided to pursue something different, something more practical. I've decided to chase after a Mitsubishi Lancer EVO. I found some incredible deals on some cars. Unfortunately, I was too concerned with the implications that came with those deals [2006 EVO MR from Alaska for $2800 (which includes SHIPPING it to CO), 39k miles, great condition]. After consulting various sources, I had missed the opportunity. After knowing that SHE got approved for an autoloan with her credit [my credit's better than hers], I decided to do my research and eventually apply for an autoloan as well. That'll make getting a car much easier AND help improve my credit even more. So I've been looking extensively for deals on an EVO just as much as I had with the 240. Only this time, acquiring the car seems a LOT more feasible. It was between the EVO and the Altima Coupe. Again, practicality came out on top. Plus...it's just a bad-ass machine~

In all honesty, I'm quite confident that there's a LOT more to share but I can't really think of it now. And keep in mind, this is the SHORT overview. As I've stated, lots has happened since the last post. New phone and number, new [automotive] goal, new persona, new drama, new everything. But I'll have to cut it short. Too much blog for one post. I'll have to continue this another time. Until then, this is another chapter in the Confessions of an UnSuccessful Success~

Reconsider This~

It's been almost a month since I've last blogged. I feel like I've been lagging a bit. There are all kinds of thoughts that have been flowing my mind. However, I just haven't been in the mood to really type about it. Still, I figured it's time to get to it~

Last month [9-16-10 to be precise], I went to Steamboat Springs to head up to Strawberry Park Hot Springs. It's been 2 months since the incident and I needed time to clear my thoughts. I must say, the drive really did the trick. It was very scenic and I enjoyed it much. However, the actual hot springs was where I came to my point of depression [so to speak]. I must advise that it's not a good idea to go to a romantic couple's spot such as a hotsprings when you're single. Don't get me wrong...it was relaxing as can be. It, however, proved to be quite a lonely experience. I started to think what options I had in regards to my current relationship status and what can be done to change it. I was only there for one night. Being by myself with nothing to do/no one to share it with, one night was long enough. Again, the drive was the best part about it~

The question of "un-breaking up" has been the main focus. Trying to weigh out my options, possible outcomes/scenarios, etc. In all honesty, I am willing to consider the possibilty. Maybe it was partly because of my surroundings [I'm now that single guy within my circles and it's a terrible feeling]. I haven't ruled out the possibility of desperation either. It is a feasible reason but not primary. The main reason why I've considered it is because I truly want to believe that putting in all the hard work will pay off. I really want to believe that it wasn't a waste. Despite all the things she and I have endured, my feelings were real. They ARE real. I've confronted her about it. I told her that the only way it could work is if both of us are honest with each other and, more importantly, with ourselves. I guess I took too much time to come to that conclusion. She's made it known that with her new-found freedom [which is something she's always had], that there are other possibilities out there. I must say, it was painful to hear. But, at the same time, it's reality. I don't have any right to ruin that for her. So, I sit expecting the worst while hoping for the best~

I would love to go and explore other ventures, believe me. However, I'm not in a position to make take those steps. One of the main things I missed about ABC was the ability to easily meet new people. I can't do that at my current place of employment. I don't think it's very attractive to approach someone while you're miserable. I think it would be prudent to introduce yourself at your best. I have also considered going out with friends as well. Unfortunately, almost all attempts have been denied to to frequent bail-outs. It's happened so frequently, I've started to question if I just don't have that "fun-to-hang-out-with" appeal~

I've consulted different outlets. One currently expresses similar frustrations, another is experiencing what I've experienced in the last few years, a third has already experienced the situation and provides opinion. While only able to converse through digital means, the act of actually hanging out seems highly unlikely due to the current circumstances [in each case]. I'm coming to the conclusion that people need to expand and let themselves go in order to find what's truly desired. The hard part is facing the fear of ALL possible outcomes~
..........

As far as the job is concerned, I'm continually stuck in this sort of limbo that I'm unable to claw my way out of. I'm in this paradoxal position where I can move promote outside the realms of customer service to the sanctuary from beligerence. All my [scoring] stats qualify me to make this transition. However, due to my AHT, I'm unable to take that step forward. In order for me to move forward, I must lower my AHT. Unfortunately, I'm working a position that I wasn't originally hired for which drives my AHT up [which I have little control over when a customer is fire-angry]. Because of this issue, it's caused the whole bootcamp training. While trying to improve, things got worse. In turn, caused a write-up on my record. Basically, in order for me to get out of dealing with angry customers [which I hate doing, my biggest weakness, and my supervisors are aware of], I must keep taking those types of customers. Gotta love customer service.....

The worst part about the whole thing is that I was ALWAYS eligible to transfer to different departments. I was always told that [prior to the extra training], the AHT kept me away from transfers. I later came to find out that the only thing that it kept me from was receiving a bonus on my paycheck. Of course, I find this out AFTER the I get my write-up, which I must wait 90 days to clear so I can actually make that transition. During the time I believed I couldn't transfer, I've ranked in the top 5 in the entire department [primarily based on QA and Customer Satisfaction; excluding AHT]. That's gotta count for something~

It also doesn't help that policies and procedures are constantly changing. The main reason why I left my last job was because of inconsistency within company guidelines. I find that very same thing occuring in my current place of employment. After months of pounding procedure into your brain, you're forced to drop that habit in less than a week...maybe even a day. Without time to recover, misguided info can mark you down, causing more write-ups and other disciplinary action. Paradox~?

I'm also not in a position to go out and job-hunt either. First off, the job market is pretty terrible so I should be grateful that I even have a job [for the time being]. Unfortunately, I don't have the means to even job hunt. Getting on a computer is rare to do any searches [lack of resources]. Lack of time is also a factor. Can't use the computers because the computers in the apt computer room are always taken up by kids playing around with their online avatars [think zwinkee]. And the computer room closes at an ungodly time [5pm]. Once, I tried to sit patiently in the room while the little shitlings played around with their zwinkee's. After an hour of waiting, then they decided to do their homework. It's like, "SHIT~! People got some important shit to do so either do your homework now or get the fuck out~!" Seriously...I hate kids today. Another implication is my time for when I could actually go out if I manage to land an interview. It's almost unrealistic how things just fall into place [or in this case, don't fall into place]. I feel like I have a better chance of winning the lottery than finding a new job~

For a long time, I've felt like I've been stuck in this rut that I can't get out of. It's really hard to find the motivation to move forward. Yes, I understand that the desire to get out of the current situation should be all the motivation a person needs. However, it's hard to be motivated when every action you make is stacked against you. I need that vigor. I need something/someone to push me. I need some kind of support system to keep the fuel going~

Again, I refuse to be left behind and I'm doing all I can to catch up to everyone. My peers seem to be doing well and are currently doing what they want to do [or taking the necessary action to do so] and I want to be in that position too. Maybe I've been playing the victim role too much but can there please be no more obstacles? Please? Just for once, I'd like things to go my way~

Currently: contemplating what my next move should be. If there is one~

Down Time~

After 45 months, the girlfriend and I are no more. Official date is 7/20/10. It was one week after our 45 month anniversary. I've noticed a trend that all our major arguments occure within a week of our anniversary; it's very unsettling. I'm sure there are a few that feel this was a necessary move. She and I had a civil breakup, at least. We both agreed it was something that needed to happen. Due to whatever the circumstance, it was decided to be the next step. At first, I wasn't bothered by it. However, as the days went by, I was left alone with my thoughts and dwelled where things went wrong. I find I'm blaming myself for why things didn't work out. But I also realize I did all I could do and then some. It's my nature to hold everything to myself. I don't like to burden others with my own issues. The "friends" card is still an option. Is it actually possible? I can't say for sure. As nice as it would be, I'm not sure it's likely (at this time) but we are trying. Well....I am anyways. She seems better off, actually. I'm happy for her happiness. However, I do feel sad, jealous, or even angry that I can't make her smile like that anymore. Further I look back, I don't think I've ever made her as happy as she seems now. I could be wrong but that's what seems to be projected. Whoever said "The best revenge is to show them you're doing much better" hit the nail right on the head. I'm not saying it's a revenge motive but it surely is a swift kick in the nuts~

Work has been quite worrisome as of late. Yesterday, I began my first day of bootcamp training to help my AHT [average handle time]. It's a 4 week course designed to make me a more efficient CSR. With that comes a new schedule change. I was highly looking forward to actually having weekends off. The entire month of July required manadatory 6th Day. Last friday, I was looking forward to my first real weekend in a very long time. However, with my schedule change and the company's last minute decision to extend the 6th day for another month, my weekend was taken away from me. Even with plans already set in place, work is absolute and plans had to be changed~

After the break-up, I promised myself a little Brad-Time. I need some time to myself to reflect on everything. It was planned for when 6th Day was over. However, 6th Day had been extended which pushes my plans even further. With the combination of relationship and work, the vacation time seems more and more of a necessity. I haven't decided where. Ideally, it'd be out of state (CA, WA, HI maybe) but realistically, it would be a little more local. Away from Denver/CSprings of course. Been leaning towards a hot springs. It was something she and I wan'ted to do but won't happen now. Hot springs sound relaxing and cheaper that flying out. More likely, that's going to be the course of action~

Currently: would like to experience a massage. I feel like I could really use one right now~

Smoke & Mirrors~

As time progresses, I find myself remaining stagnant. With all the efforts of trying to move forward, certain obstacles block my path towards moving up in the world. Recently, it's been known to my Coach that I wish to transfer to a new department within the company. However, with a minor setback, I'm unable to make the transition for another 90 days. What was once a 6 month wait became a 9 month wait. And with all the last-minute policy changes, it's quite likely it might take even longer. My options are to A) stick it out and keep striving to move within ranks or B) continue the search for a more desirable position elsewhere. Based on how things are going, a side-hunt seems to be a more logical course of action. The fact that the combination of normal pay + holiday pay + [mandatory] overtime = less than the girlfriend's base pay makes me more discouraged with my current employer and more motivated to take the necessary steps to make a better life for myself~

Recently tried to take up exercising on a regular basis. 3 weeks in, I'm feeling good. However, with how work's been [draining me physically and mentally], I've been slacking a bit. I've missed an entire week of exercising. I keep telling myself I'll do it tonight but end up too exhausted to lift myself from my bed to lifting some weights. I can already feel the affects of it. Probably not the best idea but I'm going to have to double my efforts this weekend. The fact it's a 3-day weekend, all the more reason to not slack around~

Either I've become more oblivious or more accustomed, it's been at a standstill. Lack of any physical interaction and an increase in monotony makes me question the direction I'm heading in. Things are neither better nor worse. Just there. I'm trying to find a legitimate reason to keep moving forward in that regard but perhaps I've convinced myself it's just normal. Knowing me, I don't want to settle for the ordinary. I want the extraordinary. Hard work is supposed to pay off, isn't it? I haven't seen the fruits of my labor...yet. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. Now would be a good time to gather my thoughts under the night sky as the stars twinkle down towards me; with a Honey Moon loosely grasped in my hand while atop a multi-story garage~

I'm looking forward to the month of July. 3 paychecks in the month will definitely make the savings look a lot nicer. The dream becomes closer to grasp. So long as nothing interferes or gets in the way, I should be able to purchase my steed by August. Too long have setbacks like owing for taxes or faulty transportation issues have gotten in my path. The offer still stands. So long as nothing happens, this time for sure~

With all the nonsense I've been going through in the last few weeks, I deserve a break. I believe I'll purchase myself a gift. Perhaps I'll participate in the War On Cybertron. It'll keep me entertained long enough to avoid any other spending. Then I'll be good to go~

Resin~

The days continue to creep past me. With an odd work schedule different from others, my days seem to blend together. Perhaps it's the daily grind of work, maybe it's getting older, or possibly my inability to stay focused; everything seems like one huge blur. However, what I can be thankful for is the fact that I'm here, alive and well, typing away on this keyboard. Any day I'm alive is a good day~

I can't entirely say that things have been bad [aside from the usual gripes]. On the contrary, things have been going somewhat smoothly. Last friday, I finally upgraded my television to HD. I'm quite smitten with my 32" Sony Bravia 1080p, 120Mhz. After months, possibly years, of talk, I finally took the step and got it and, I must say, it's a wonderful piece of machinery. Prior to that, went to a Lupe Fiasco concert and I enjoyed myself to the fullest. Not much of a concert goer but it was worth it. Tonight, I'll be attending Body Worlds for the first time. It'll be interesting to see what science will present with donated bodies. I'm scared but excited at the same time. There's an art show going on at my former Art Survey Professor's gallery. The primary artist is a Japanese-American from COSprings whose work portrays the life of an asian-american in manga format. It'll be interesting to see. I intend to pay my former teacher a visit~

Although I carry my art materials with me every day, I've yet to make a cohesive collection to get the ball rolling. With the demand of work, I've been left with this tired-ness that consumes the remainder of my afternoons/evenings. I'm still trying to keep that motivation going. With the success of my comrades, it's either a motivator or discourager. I've buried my face in class schedules/catalogs in order to find a suitable degree to pursue. After seeing my degree as being in the bottom 5 careers that make the less money [thanks, yahoo.news], it makes me regret the path I've chosen. However, with my art background, it can reinforce other skills I intend to acquire with graphic design/programming. It's just a matter of accumulating the funds to move forward. Money makes the world go 'round and it's something that many people lack right now. My day will come. And when it does, I'll be laughing at those who doubt me~

I've spent a little quality time in my kitchen. Experimenting with various dishes and coming across alternatives to ramen, bacon, spam, and corned beef. Experimenting is a wonderful thing. It's the clean-up I can do without. Like Puraw-Wave, I'd like to kick back with a chilled bottle of Blue Moon [summer....honey moon?] and take in the tranquility of peace and quiet~

Nothing left to report. Other than to thank everyone with their patience. I promise, I'll make you proud~