Fuel For Thought~

It's been a rough reality of struggling since the departure of my kinsman. More specifically, since graduating from higher education. Since then, the fist-pumping chants of "Fai-toh" plays repeatedly through my ears. Unfortunately, society makes it difficult to keep fighting sometimes. With the job market in its lows, trying to take steps to success become more of an obstacle course with challenge after challenge blocking the goal. As the challenges pile higher, the initial goal becomes more of a dream that's almost unattainable. But there's something that keeps a person striving to become something they aspire to be. The prayers and support of loved-ones become the fuel to drive over all the pot holes. Nothing negative ever came out of hard work because after the battle is over, all the blood, sweat, and tears seem to be worth reaching the mountain top. Things don't happen overnight. If they did, many of us would be in a better place. Unfortunately, the harsh reality is that the world is a hard and scary place. This is why a support system is so very important. No one can make things happen on their own. But with the love of others, anything seems possible~

But what does a person do when his/her primary source of comfort fades away? While trying to find an exit in the depths of insecurity and the maze of hopelessness, it's only natural to search for that guiding light to bid safe passage into the land of salvation. It's only natural to hope that the hand that you so desperately reach for reaches back. But what happens if that hand doesn't? What if it pushes it away, leaving you trapped in that maze? It's been a question I've been dealing with for quite some time now. With the decline of endearment dropping at an alarming rate and the incline of tension rising to regular occurances, I've started to wonder what happened? Simple conference trigger battles of ideologies and the hard work start to lose meaning. Behind the smokescreen of smiles, empathy, and encouragement hide the bearing fangs of contempt, disgust, and disappointment. Unaware/unappreciative of the battles that independence face everyday, the sheltered perceptions of the outside world becomes nothing more than a breath of ease. Only to add further insult to injury, the snicker at emotional damage and self-worth breaks down being like a hair in an acid bath. The relentless demoralization prompts me to put all the pieces of the puzzle together. Although only hunches, they haven't let me down just yet and I draw back to a possible conclusion~

Futher reinforced by the unwillingness to understand or to even attempt understanding, I find myself at wits end. The only means of overcoming is the urge to prove the latter wrong. However, that burning flame slowly fades away as the fuel had been doused by the cold waters of discouragement. At the brink of break-down, the sound of assuagement rings from the most unexpected wellspring. Indeed, it had momentarily lightened my spirits and urged me to move forward. However, one thing leads to another, and my mind comes to another stop. With much contemplation, I find myself trapped in trying to find a commonground/balance/compromise. The sense of belonging where I felt I would always be welcomed didn't seem to exist anymore; or rather, it seemed to fade away. Had my efforts really been bled out by the wound of time? Continually, I don't want to believe it, much less accept it. When one drops their heart on the dirty ground, it's hoped that the one salvation would cradle it comfortingly and clean it from dejection rather than bury it in mud~

In order to keep myself occupied with the dreams of making things better, I decided to unleash my workstation to the world once more. By doing so, I hope to refuel that childhood dream with the hopes and dreams that my past life had for me. I do not wish to let them down. I also started to make the first move of contacting those in the field. With the initiative (something that shows apparent lacking in most individuals), I hope to gain further insight on finally reaching my own Mt Everest~

Currently: paving a pathway through all the waste to reach my Garden of Eden.

Crystal Stasis~

It's nice to hear of the successes of friends/family. Knowing that they are able to achieve a daunting goal is inspiration that I, too, am able to make my dreams come true. There never is an easy way of reaching that destination. If there were, I'd be designing characters for games/movies/animes/etc years ago. Indeed, all the hard work makes you realize that the hardships are worth the final result. Fruits of your labors, if you will. I know what options are available to me. It's just a matter of getting off my ass and taking the initiative. For a while, I've been a sort of slump and had very little [if any] motivation. However, with the help of friends and the realization of my current path in life, I've been fueled with a new vigor to reach what I've yearned for. Steps I've taken: bringing my sketchbook to work every day; write down as many new ideas to develop some story; explore the trends and find what's marketable; research where I need to go and what I need to do to get there. I can no longer be tied down by the "day in/day out" lifestyle. I'm not happy with it so it is my will to overcome the purgatory and acheive paradise~

Generally being a passive person, my hidden nature to never back down seldomly emerges. Perhaps it's resilience or [more accurately] stubbornness. Either way, I believe in equal exchange. Hypocracies that are allowed to take shape when it's supportive of the latter. In acknowledge of this, the reality of the matter is that conflicting sides can't coexist in peace or harmony. In this type of union, the ideals of compromise does not exist. Instead, sacrifice fits the bill. The desire of equality is long sought after. It was that desire that brought our nation to where it is today. Although not everyone is created equal, it makes us strive further for that imaginary utopia. It's human nature. There's the desire to strive for what we don't have. From starting off as a simple want, it gradually becomes a necessity; a need. I have to acquire that need in order to reach my paradise~

In realization, there are many, many steps that must be taken. It may come from different aspects of life but the end result shares a common goal. Consider it my Focus. I would have to complete that focus before the brand of the L'Cie opens its eye. It would help to have a timeline, of course. That would create a higher sense of urgency. I tend to lose my way and forget of hope. It's about that time when I need my eidolon to show me the way and put me back on track~

Along those lines, I've signed up for a Best Buy credit card. Initially, it was so I can get myself an HDTV. My tube tv is on its last legs and I would like to finish my FFXIII experience in its high definition glory. After knowing what I qualify for, it dawned on me that my credit score is not its best. I haven't checked it but I know it can't be very good. Was signing up for a second card a mistake? I hope not. By having a second line of credit, I hope that it can strengthen me in the long run. After speaking with Puraw-Wave and my father, it seems to be the correct course of action. However, maybe now wasn't the best time. After just paying $700+ in taxes, I'm back to living an even more meager lifestyle. Struggling from check to check is what I've gone back to since the removal of Overtime from work. It's going to be a hard journey. But, as previously stated, "all the hard work makes you realize that the hardships are worth the final result"~