It's been over 2 months since I last posted something. I supposed I've been busy trying to figure things out and just live life. Also, I've been trying to write in my journal a little more often. I must say, lots happened since the last time I've posted so this entry might be quite the read~
SHE and I had gone to the NERD/Gorillaz concert back in 10/24/10. I had originally thought it was going to be a good night. We had dinner before the concert and it seemed like we would be good. Before that, there've been a few times we've hung out and the idea/feeling of possibly getting back together seemed feasible [to me, anyways]. She would toss hints that it would still be a possiblity. Although a bit aprehensive, I still kept it in mind. Anyways, the concert was fine. However, afterwards was a different story. She kept receiving calls from various people to go to this house party [apparently, someplace she frequents nowadays]. Needless to say, I was a bit hurt by it but it wasn't my place to do/say anything. To show that I'd be ok with it, I offered to even take her there if she knew the way. She'd frequently decline...that is until her sister came to pick her up. At that point, it was on like white on rice. She says she felt bad and apologized. I let her know that it didn't matter what I thought anyways and they were off. Before I started my drive home, we went back and forth texting. It started with her saying "I'm sorry. =( I'm going to feel bad forever." I let her know that she had nothing to worry about. It's not like I was her boyfriend anymore anyways. I tried to play it off that it didn't matter anyways and that she was free to do whatever. The following day, I asked her if she really thought about getting back together or if that was just all talk. She responded that she did consider it but felt it was for the wrong reasons. After prying, she felt that she just wanted the title of being in a relationship. She didn't like being single. I tried letting her know that it wouldn't be wrong unless she felt that she could really fall in love again. She stated that it was important that I still remained in her life. She stated she felt that we could still talk and whatnot. After constant comforting, we just kinda ended the conversation~
A few days later, I just texted her again to see if she wanted to still work on that movie list. From there, it lead to me stating that I was slowly disappearing from her life when it was something that she didn't want happening. Her immediate response was that she didn't recall ever saying it. While trying to get some kind of confirmation, I came to the conclusion that pretty much everything up until the point of the concert was a lie. I was being led on to believe that things between us were possible. Hell, I was led on to believe that she loved me [even though she really didn't]. Putting the pieces together, and she did make mention of it previous times before, that she would only say things because she thought it was something that I wanted to hear. Who knows how much of our relationship was a lie...The last time I heard from her was 11/3/10 when the texts took place. Shortly after, I found that she blocked me from pretty much everything. When I look back at it, she never wanted to be friends even though she said she did. She was the one that broke up with me, she was the one that deleted me from her friends list, she was the first to block me, she was even the first one to say we shouldn't be friends after we hung out at DragonBoat Festival [7/24/10]. And yet, she still wanted to keep me around. Trying to bring it all together, I feel that I was just there for her convenience. I think I was just a back-up in case her new interest didn't work out. It would make sense...
I guess it was inevitable. After we broke up, she's been out almost every weekend hitting bars, going to house-parties. It was bound to happen that she would meet someone else. But what hurt most is being led to believe things were actually possible when they really weren't. After not hearing from her in a month, I decided to write her a letter. This was my letter to inform her of my final release from her. I didn't like how we just ended so, for myself, I just needed the closure. I wrote her my thoughts and enclosed the bracelets that she made me...braclets she said that was supposed to represent our love for each other [but later came to the conclusion that was a lie as well]. Looking back at one of the letters/cards we wrote each other when we first started dating, she mentioned that she felt that no one could love her...that she was "un-lovable" but I had let her know that I loved her for almost 4 years and that it was possible. That was my final goodbye, I suppose. Terrible way to end my 5-day Thanksgiving/Birthday weekend~
I wasn't expecting a reply. She's the type of person to blow off something that didn't appeal to her. But for some reason, I kept thinking I'd see a text/missed call on my phone, an email, or even a response waiting for me on my door. It obviously didn't happen. Part of me is happier that way. Then I can really move on. However, another part of me is a bit disappointed. I suppose it goes to show that me being in her life was a lie [much like everything else, it seems]. In the meantime, I've been keeping busy~
Since the last time I've posted, I've been out a lot more frequently. Spending time with friends, going to bars/clubs, meeting new people...whatever the case may be. I feel like I'm trying to make up for lost time. Or maybe trying to overcompensate for something that I missed out on. I'm glad, actually. Sorta feels like I'm coming out of my shell, so to speak. However, I kinda feel like the old guy trying to act young. Lucky for me, I'm Asian so I can at least look young. I've been requenting Beta with Kevin and his crew. Liquid courage seems to help exponentially. I can't really say that I get incredibly drunk but just happy enough to not care about the little things. The last few times I've been to Beta, there've been missed opportunities. For example, Thursday of last week, some girl continually played grab-ass with me. At first, I thought it was some joke or a dare by her friends so didn't pay too much mind to it. But it kept happening. It wasn't until closing when it happened one last time and I caught her. Incredibly cute...I believe her name was Alex. Unfortunately, couldn't do much because her friends were leaving and screamed at her to go. It would've been nice if I had acted on it sooner. Not enough booze in me to stop dwelling on the little things. The next day, I went to Beta w/ former co-workers. While doing my own thing, a pretty looker tagged me and said "I think you're best friends with my sister [Morgan]..." Unfortunately, I didn't know her sister. Before I could really say anything after to try and get to know her, she and her friend bolted with the quickness in a sort of embarrassment. I lost them in the crowd...another lost opportunity. The following night, went to a fashion show to see my friend Cassidy do her modeling thing at SUTRA. Talked to 2 super-cutes but one was super intimidating [she was incredibly ripped. She even let me rub up on her bare abs]. Danced up on me but was super aggressive. That's just as hot as it is scary. P.Wave and I ended up leaving to check out some other clubs in the area. Just this last Thursday, went to Beta again with Kevin and his crew. Had some drinks with DJ Trajikk [Note* his specialty TRAJIKK SHOT will fuck you up]. While on the patio, this cute girl complimented my fashion sense. I shot back complimenting her outfit. Well, her entire look actually. I was going to try talking to her further but she was seated next to a sexy black guy [no-homo] so I didn't want to take that chance. However, on the opposite side of the guy was another pretty girl. It was quite possible that SHE might've been the third wheel and I just kinda let her down. After consulting P.Wave and ACTION about it, it was another missed opportunity that I let slip away due to thinking too much. Although drinking does help me loosen up, I need to build my confidence back up to the point to where I can have that "just don't give a fuck" attitude again without the use of being under the influence. It's a little hard to however. 2 LTR with the girl breaking up with me and lying to me....hard to gain that confidence back. Slowly, but surely, it'll happen. It has to~
When I reflect back on the last few years, it feels like it was a dream. Seeing how I'm acting lately versus how I was back then, it seems almost incredibly out of character. I don't want to say that SHE was holding me back...but since the break-up, it seems like more [social] opportunities had openned its doors and I'm at liberty to answer. Then I start to think about the relationship itself. It almost seems sureal. It's like it was all make-believe to a certain extent. The only real proof I have that it ever existed is the box of memories I have in my safe and the numerous photos I have saved on my external hard-drive. Looking at the smiles we had shared...I can't help but wonder how much of those events were real. Did they really mean anything to her? Even at that point, was she even in love with me then or was it just another thing she thought I wanted to hear? I guess that's not fair to say...I have to believe that, at one point in time, she was actually in love with me. I just can't pinpoint exactly when she stopped. Not that it matters now [or if it ever did] but it's a remnant of my memory that shows that our relationship actually did exist. Do I really want to discard my box/photos? I mean, I was happy during that time and it sometimes brings comfort to my mind. At the same time, it hurts knowing that something like that ceased to exist for whatever reasons. It's safe to assume that she's gotten rid of all her things of me [seeing how she already deleted me from her life in any other aspect and probably with someone new for quite some time]. I shouldn't have to be the one to hold onto something that's no longer there if there was anything. It's not fair to me, I suppose. But again, it seems like it's the only validation I have that shows that it existed...something tangible. I suppose when I find my new interest, I can truly let go of a 45month long dream and move onto something new~
Other news, I've decided to scrap ideas for obtaining a 10year crush. That being the S14 Nissan 240SX. It truly seems like it's just not gonna happen. And with how weather is in Colorado, I've decided to pursue something different, something more practical. I've decided to chase after a Mitsubishi Lancer EVO. I found some incredible deals on some cars. Unfortunately, I was too concerned with the implications that came with those deals [2006 EVO MR from Alaska for $2800 (which includes SHIPPING it to CO), 39k miles, great condition]. After consulting various sources, I had missed the opportunity. After knowing that SHE got approved for an autoloan with her credit [my credit's better than hers], I decided to do my research and eventually apply for an autoloan as well. That'll make getting a car much easier AND help improve my credit even more. So I've been looking extensively for deals on an EVO just as much as I had with the 240. Only this time, acquiring the car seems a LOT more feasible. It was between the EVO and the Altima Coupe. Again, practicality came out on top. Plus...it's just a bad-ass machine~
In all honesty, I'm quite confident that there's a LOT more to share but I can't really think of it now. And keep in mind, this is the SHORT overview. As I've stated, lots has happened since the last post. New phone and number, new [automotive] goal, new persona, new drama, new everything. But I'll have to cut it short. Too much blog for one post. I'll have to continue this another time. Until then, this is another chapter in the Confessions of an UnSuccessful Success~
