It's been almost a month since I've last blogged. I feel like I've been lagging a bit. There are all kinds of thoughts that have been flowing my mind. However, I just haven't been in the mood to really type about it. Still, I figured it's time to get to it~
Last month [9-16-10 to be precise], I went to Steamboat Springs to head up to Strawberry Park Hot Springs. It's been 2 months since the incident and I needed time to clear my thoughts. I must say, the drive really did the trick. It was very scenic and I enjoyed it much. However, the actual hot springs was where I came to my point of depression [so to speak]. I must advise that it's not a good idea to go to a romantic couple's spot such as a hotsprings when you're single. Don't get me wrong...it was relaxing as can be. It, however, proved to be quite a lonely experience. I started to think what options I had in regards to my current relationship status and what can be done to change it. I was only there for one night. Being by myself with nothing to do/no one to share it with, one night was long enough. Again, the drive was the best part about it~
The question of "un-breaking up" has been the main focus. Trying to weigh out my options, possible outcomes/scenarios, etc. In all honesty, I am willing to consider the possibilty. Maybe it was partly because of my surroundings [I'm now that single guy within my circles and it's a terrible feeling]. I haven't ruled out the possibility of desperation either. It is a feasible reason but not primary. The main reason why I've considered it is because I truly want to believe that putting in all the hard work will pay off. I really want to believe that it wasn't a waste. Despite all the things she and I have endured, my feelings were real. They ARE real. I've confronted her about it. I told her that the only way it could work is if both of us are honest with each other and, more importantly, with ourselves. I guess I took too much time to come to that conclusion. She's made it known that with her new-found freedom [which is something she's always had], that there are other possibilities out there. I must say, it was painful to hear. But, at the same time, it's reality. I don't have any right to ruin that for her. So, I sit expecting the worst while hoping for the best~
I would love to go and explore other ventures, believe me. However, I'm not in a position to make take those steps. One of the main things I missed about ABC was the ability to easily meet new people. I can't do that at my current place of employment. I don't think it's very attractive to approach someone while you're miserable. I think it would be prudent to introduce yourself at your best. I have also considered going out with friends as well. Unfortunately, almost all attempts have been denied to to frequent bail-outs. It's happened so frequently, I've started to question if I just don't have that "fun-to-hang-out-with" appeal~
I've consulted different outlets. One currently expresses similar frustrations, another is experiencing what I've experienced in the last few years, a third has already experienced the situation and provides opinion. While only able to converse through digital means, the act of actually hanging out seems highly unlikely due to the current circumstances [in each case]. I'm coming to the conclusion that people need to expand and let themselves go in order to find what's truly desired. The hard part is facing the fear of ALL possible outcomes~
..........
As far as the job is concerned, I'm continually stuck in this sort of limbo that I'm unable to claw my way out of. I'm in this paradoxal position where I can move promote outside the realms of customer service to the sanctuary from beligerence. All my [scoring] stats qualify me to make this transition. However, due to my AHT, I'm unable to take that step forward. In order for me to move forward, I must lower my AHT. Unfortunately, I'm working a position that I wasn't originally hired for which drives my AHT up [which I have little control over when a customer is fire-angry]. Because of this issue, it's caused the whole bootcamp training. While trying to improve, things got worse. In turn, caused a write-up on my record. Basically, in order for me to get out of dealing with angry customers [which I hate doing, my biggest weakness, and my supervisors are aware of], I must keep taking those types of customers. Gotta love customer service.....
The worst part about the whole thing is that I was ALWAYS eligible to transfer to different departments. I was always told that [prior to the extra training], the AHT kept me away from transfers. I later came to find out that the only thing that it kept me from was receiving a bonus on my paycheck. Of course, I find this out AFTER the I get my write-up, which I must wait 90 days to clear so I can actually make that transition. During the time I believed I couldn't transfer, I've ranked in the top 5 in the entire department [primarily based on QA and Customer Satisfaction; excluding AHT]. That's gotta count for something~
It also doesn't help that policies and procedures are constantly changing. The main reason why I left my last job was because of inconsistency within company guidelines. I find that very same thing occuring in my current place of employment. After months of pounding procedure into your brain, you're forced to drop that habit in less than a week...maybe even a day. Without time to recover, misguided info can mark you down, causing more write-ups and other disciplinary action. Paradox~?
I'm also not in a position to go out and job-hunt either. First off, the job market is pretty terrible so I should be grateful that I even have a job [for the time being]. Unfortunately, I don't have the means to even job hunt. Getting on a computer is rare to do any searches [lack of resources]. Lack of time is also a factor. Can't use the computers because the computers in the apt computer room are always taken up by kids playing around with their online avatars [think zwinkee]. And the computer room closes at an ungodly time [5pm]. Once, I tried to sit patiently in the room while the little shitlings played around with their zwinkee's. After an hour of waiting, then they decided to do their homework. It's like, "SHIT~! People got some important shit to do so either do your homework now or get the fuck out~!" Seriously...I hate kids today. Another implication is my time for when I could actually go out if I manage to land an interview. It's almost unrealistic how things just fall into place [or in this case, don't fall into place]. I feel like I have a better chance of winning the lottery than finding a new job~
For a long time, I've felt like I've been stuck in this rut that I can't get out of. It's really hard to find the motivation to move forward. Yes, I understand that the desire to get out of the current situation should be all the motivation a person needs. However, it's hard to be motivated when every action you make is stacked against you. I need that vigor. I need something/someone to push me. I need some kind of support system to keep the fuel going~
Again, I refuse to be left behind and I'm doing all I can to catch up to everyone. My peers seem to be doing well and are currently doing what they want to do [or taking the necessary action to do so] and I want to be in that position too. Maybe I've been playing the victim role too much but can there please be no more obstacles? Please? Just for once, I'd like things to go my way~
Currently: contemplating what my next move should be. If there is one~
