Funny; the moment I make a boast to take on 2011, things seem to go downhill. 2010 was a pretty bad year for me. I want to say almost if not just as bad as my 2005. After a sort-of revisiting to my former self, I welcomed 2011 with open arms. Up to a certain point, things seemed to be somewhat promising. However, it seems like my place of employment presents itself as the largest [immediate] obstacle I have to face right out the gate. Oddly enough, it's having a negative impact on other aspects of my [social] life~
EXAMPLE 1:
January 2, 2010 [saturday]; DJ Bad Boy Bill was spinning at Beta. He is a DJ that holds high significance to me. Let's put it this way, he's the reason that made me get into House Music/B-Boy in the first place. Essentially, this DJ changed my life. Unfortunately, I was unable to go to the show because of Mandatory OverTime at my place of employment. So I had to be in bed while the rest of my friends were making their way to the show. I wake up at 4:30AM on Sunday [my day off, mind you] to prepare for work. As I wake up, I receive a phone call from a friend that went to the club the previous night stating he needs a ride/place to crash [think the Old Chicago/Tivoli/Detox incident a few years back. Maybe 12/05]. Unfortunately, I couldn't be a friend in need due to strict rules of the job. By the time I get to work, my supervisor informs me that 6th day was cancelled the previous day and HR was calling all employees to let them know. However, I never got the phonecall [even though I updated my contact information a month ahead for such occurances]. Immediately, I go home and fall asleep to try and catch up on the 4hrs I got previous. Later during the week, I'm told that because I didn't work the overtime that was CANCELED, I have to make up those hours by staying 2 hours after my regular shift. So...coming in to work mandatory overtime only to find it was canceled; staying to work it is optional, but because I didn't work it, had to make up for it by working longer during the week...? Yeah, tell me if THAT makes sense~
EXAMPLE 2:
Pretty much the same as last week. Because of a specific contractual agreement with my place of employment and another major corporation; another mandatory OverTime shift was instituted by upper management. Of course, it was scheduled on my day off [today] when Colorado's supposed to be expecting 10+ inches of snow. I wake up early [again] to find a light dusting [that the Chevy S10 can barely handle]. I get to work and my supervisor laughs, "ooohh....you're gonna be pissed." Already knowing what he's gonna say, "It's been canceled again, right? And how come I didn't receive notification THIS time? My number's been updated." "We didn't find out until 10pm last night." In my mind, my supervisor could've still left a message. He has my new number, he could've texted me, whatever. So, due to this terrible lack of communication, I've wasted my gas, time, sleep for a BS job. Just to make it slightly worth my time, I worked an hour anyways. Yeah...still not worth it. Again, missed out on another night with Team AZN at Beta and potentially missed out on meeting new people~
FUCK YOU, Work.....
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Friday night, I had nothing to do. Well, let me rephrase that...I had no one to hang out with. At that same time, one of my beautiful friends was participating in this model search where she ranked in the top 15 [out of 125, I believe?]. So, I decided to attend to show my support. Unfortunately, I was already running a bit late since I was catching up on sleep. So I made my way to the designated location. However, I couldn't find the place. So, I spent a good 40 mins trying to locate it. BTW, the 5Points area is scary. After finally finding a parking spot, I enter the building only to find they're about ready to announce the winners. Unfortunately, I was unable to get inside due to still needing to pay the cover [seriously? It was almost over and they still wanted cover]. Not having any cash, I asked for the nearest ATM location. The doorman pointed across the street to a US Bank. Even though it was across the street, it was still pretty scary. But I wanted to support my friend as much as I could. Unfortunately, the main door to the ATM was locked. Walking back to the venue, I waited outside in the main lobby until it was all over. Fuck it, I just walked right into the main room. Unfortunately, she didn't win but the fact that she made it as far as she did is still amazing and a congraduations is well deserved. As always, she was looking stunning. I greeted her with a hug, said my words, then left. Total time I was probably in the room? MAYBE 4 minutes. But probably over an hour of actually being out and trying to find the place. Although it was to support my friend, it was still a waste of time and gas~
But seeing her make it this far, it got me thinking about my own dreams and aspirations. She's doing what she can to make it. Granted, the regular day job isn't exactly the BEST, but it's to support her dreams and be the best she can be. I'm trying to adopt that same mentality but it's very difficult when things have been going wrong too often. As far as I'm concerned, work has been screwing me over quite a bit. To think that it'll help me acheive my goals seem kinda unrealistic. Actually, maybe even discouraging. But like her, I have to maintain focus and keep my eye on the greater destination. HOPEFULLY, all the hardships will be worth it. Because seriously, I've been living through a ton of hardships [even before 2010] and it's making the final destination seem very unattractive~
After pushing it aside for WAY too long, I finally went to The King Tut Exhibit at the Denver Art Museum last night. Today's the last day and I was pushing it quite close. It's been open for a while. She and I were planning on going while we were still together. That was over 6 months ago. I believe the exhibition was going on for a year or so. Still, I'm glad I went. As an art student, I'd never live it down. Sure, maybe I was lacking in the funds to see it but I found the funds and I'm not going to miss this opportunity. Is it worth living meagerly until payday? Totally. It was Puraw-Wave's first time at the museum. I can say I popped his museum cherry [no-homo]. With that said, it dawned on me that I need to go to the museum a little more often. Also, I haven't been to a 1st Friday Art Walk in quite some time. I should attend those more often too. I need to regain my motivation to chase after my dreams~
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I'd like to backtrack to last week. After work, I met up with Puraw-Wave in an attempt to see King Tut. Unfortunately, we couldn't make the available time due to an engagement I had to attend in CSprings [hence why we went last night instead]. This was a dinner where I was to meet with former comrades in the battle of retail services [oh, high-school job...]. Unfortunately, not everyone could've made it so it ended up being the three of us. It was nice to reconnect with those close to me. Some closer than others. But we all fought in the battle of retail and can find comradery in it. The memories we shared working at that place, the bonds we've made through the trials and tribulations, it was a raised glass [of water] to The Gate Crew. But it was more than just that. We shared our old war stories. Primarily in the House of Venus. All three of us have seen better days in that department but we are all trying to find our own means of overcoming such downpoints. One has even taken the initiative via alternative means. I can say that's more productive than me or the other carrier of the Dick Gene. All joking aside, I can honestly say it's admirable. It's taking a chance and that's more than I'm willing to do~
It got me in the mindset that nothing's ever been won by doing nothing. Because of this, I decided to take a chance as well. Afterall, life/love is a gamble. Either go big or go home, right? Perhaps it was out of desperation, or maybe it was mixed signals, maybe it was repressed feelings that I wouldn't allow myself to make official, I really don't know. Just the same, I decided to make a confession that I probably shouldn't have. Besides, in my mind, what's the worst that could happen? I think I'm finding out now. It's created a kind of awkwardness that can't be revisited. From this expression, I feel that I might've ruined something that I lost out on for almost 8 years. As it would seem, perhaps I just might have to fall off the face of the world for another 8? It seems too similar to what happened back a few months ago. After making such a confession to her, someone who held my heart, we just drifted apart and now just don't talk at all anymore. This recent confession seems like a repeat of the same events. The only difference is rather than losing a significant other, I could potentially be losing a best friend [again]~
Previous to this, I've also made another confession to another close friend. Not so much as a present confession but a "once upon a time" kinda secret. I never really acted on it but it was more of a "I wonder..." kinda deal. It just made things awkward for that situation as well~
In retrospect, I'm coming to find that it's a reoccuring scenario with a LOT of female influences in my life. Some people say that the best lovers start as best friends. Unfortunately, in my case, I don't think I'll ever go beyond the "friend" status. Many things come to mind. Mainly that if we were to get together then break up, what if it was a bad break-up? We could end up hating each other. Or worse, we could still be friends [highly unlikely because friends w/ exes hasn't worked out for me] but we could NEVER be best friends again. After sharing intimate moments, feelings, experiences, it's no longer a Best Friend scenario. It seems impossible to go back to "how things were" so to speak. It might sound pessimistic but if things don't go well, not only do you lose your love, you lose a friendship that took years to build~
Thoughts as such makes me not want to try taking that risk anymore. I suppose being lonely in love is better than being lonely in friendship. As it stands now, my friend-list is decreasing as I get older and I'd like to hold onto the few friends I have now~
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I'm getting old. In a few years, I'll be turning 30 and I'm nowhere near where I want to be in life. I'm not at all close to working my dream job. I'm nowhere close to having some sort of glimmer to having a soulmate. With 2 potential wife-material gone wrong and with my age, I'm starting to feel that I'll die alone. Among my friends and family, I was expected to be the first to get married an now it might not even happen. I started to toy with the idea of moving away from Colorado. I don't want to be stuck here forever. I sort of just want to start over with everything. Unfortunately, that means leaving everything/everyone behind. I don't think I'm strong enough to do that. Although I don't think that it would be noticed~
Oddly, during the BANGS Story Arc, I made the statement that "I wasn't looking for anything...but whenever I do start looking again, I won't find it here in Colorado." Low and behold, I was in a 3year9month relationship shortly after. I guess things are possible but that's the whole thing with risk. It can either be prosperous or disasterous. Right now, I'm not sure if I can do anything~
Again, I feel a little left behind as far as Best Hit Generation goes. It's a familiar feeling that I had a few years ago. I don't think I can face my Brothers-In-Arms and say, "Gentlemen, we made it." Like I said earlier, I need to find that motivation to get my blood going again. Maybe the only way to do that is to start somewhere new then come back with a new vigor. All of 2010 and going into 2011, my mind's been at a constant uncertainty. It would be nice to have a little reassurance here and there. Meh...I don't really know anymore. I guess I'll have to live the mundane for now. Just float see where the waves of life take me. But the thing about that is that I'm not a very good swimmer~
Currently: trying to figure out a plan~
