It's strange, you know? I keep finding myself being infatuated
with [what seems like] the unlikely or the improbable. Everything seems so very
circumstantial (especially nowadays). But what is it that keeps me coming back?
The pessimist in me says "it's NEVER gonna
happen" while the realist says "it's POSSIBLE but not
likely." What about the hopeful? Well....he just gets his hopes up and
wishes for the best. Anyways, time for the stories~
CASE 1:
Maybe it was a little over 2 years ago, I crossed paths with an
individual [mentioned in a past blog]. We hit it off quite nicely, actually. At
some point in time, we had a terrible falling-out and lost communication.
Fast-forward to [maybe] March 2013; an unexpected friend request pops up
on my FB page followed by a personal message simply saying "Let's hang
out." Taken aback by this, I've more or less tried to avoid any real
interaction with her.
Afterall, this person was responsible for making me question my very persona (I
did go through a pretty bad identity crisis THEN was weary of ALL women). That
aside, despite our falling-out, I didn't want to be entirely closed off. I, at
least, remained civil while trying to avoid any real situation for interaction.
I did fall pretty hard for her in the past and I wasn't ready to take any risks
to open my heart up just yet (especially her). Little did I know
that the general reason for this reaching-out was
because she was going to be deployed overseas for an undisclosed period of
time. Was it to reconcile what we had?
No, at this point, she was engaged. Was it to make up for how terrible our
friendship ended? Maybe. Although it was never approached for a detailed
reason, a simple "I just wanted to know what you were up to these
days" was what I got and I just left it at that. There have been many
times when the mention of hanging out was brought up but I managed to avoid it
(there was even a time when we were both at 16th St Mall in Downtown, Denver).
It wasn't until after she left that I started to be a little bit more open.
Speaking my mind, being a little more abrasive and carefree when bringing up
our intimate past in casual conversation as if it were nothing. Even to
sometimes bring up what-if scenarios wasn't totally out of
the question. I suppose it made it easy just because I knew she was thousands
of miles away. I don't know why or how it happened, but I started to actually
think about the what-ifs.
Despite promising myself I wouldn't form an emotional attachment to her ever
again (or ever breaking my rule/policy: Attack of the -Ay), I find those
feelings arising again with her absence. Not entirely sure if it's the intimacy
that I missed or the actual friendship we shared, something was coming back. This feeling must NOT return I
kept telling myself. Hell, she's even got herself a new boyfriend lined up
after the failed engagement. So why am I dwelling on it? I have to will myself to the
Indifferent/Aloof version of me when
she and I first met. That should keep me safe~
Present-Day: She'll be back in Colorado sometime this week. I no
longer have an excuse to make myself unavailable. There've already been plans
to spend weekends on snowboarding adventures, drawing sessions, anime
marathons, and food adventures. I would like to think I've reverted back
to my old self. So why am I getting nervous about this reunion? The last time
we've been in each other's presence was roughly around Valentine's Day of 2012.
A LOT's happened since then. I should be
stronger; I should be
more well-composed. I should no
longer care. So why? Why am I sweating this? What is it about her that makes me
want to go back? I want to convince myself that it's JUST the close friendship
we once had but could it possibly be more? Hmm....who knows....? In an instance
as such, there's only one thing I can really do and that's to go into this
blindly with no expectation.
With no expectation, I can't get mad if things go sour. Expect the worst, hope
for the best. Besides, there's someone else who occupies my mind even more.
Which brings me to.....
CASE 2:
As you may or may not know, I have this other persona: a bedroom
DJ/hopeful under the moniker P-Low or P-Low Project. [P-Low Project is actually
the name of my monthly series. The reason for "project" is that it
shows my evolution as a musician/artist (in the loose term) and as a
person. It can be found on www.MixCloud.com/P_Low/]. The reason for this
interest in this musical hobby came from a fateful night [about 2 years ago]
when I met the one woman who would change my artistic passion forever (the last
blog is about her, as a matter of fact). If you know
me well enough, I'm sure you can figure out who it is~
Originally, I started following her on Twitter because I
[embarrassingly] thought she was someone else (a tuner model that shared a
striking resemblance). Actually, I hate to admit this, buy my sister was a fan
of hers before I was. A LOT of my friends were fans of hers since the days of
MySpace. I honestly didn't know who she was until maybe a few months before
seeing her live Oct 2011. Our interaction first began after an inquiry about
energy drink alternatives. Then one day when girl from Case 1 and I went to
Club Vinyl to see her. Well....more accurately, she and I were just hanging out
because we haven't had time to in a while (this was BEFORE she and I developed
a perceivable relationship).
When Case 1's "new friend" unexpectedly showed up uninvited, she went
"Asian-Hunting" while I enjoyed the show. On the rooftop, I provided
a resident DJ a light for his cancer stick. Being ever-so-grateful, he asked
"Are you here to see ************? If you like, I can get you back up
there on the DJ booth while she's spinning." I was all for it. So as the
night progressed, I just sat there front row jamming to my heart's content. It
was about time that her set was nearing a close so I searched for the resident
DJ. I found him but he was in the middle of bustin'
his mack (that's "spitting some game" or "hitting on
some women" if you're not hip to the lingo). I'd opted not to interrupt
his endeavor so I went back to front row bobbin' my head to the wonderful beats
this Majestic DJ Goddess bestowed upon the casual music-goers. Every few times,
our eye met. I just figured she was playing to the crowd. At the end of her
set, the club was adamant about kicking everyone out but I stayed behind to
tell her what a
wonderful job she did (and get a picture with her). When I had my chance,
without seeming like an over-obsessive fan (which I wasn't....yet), I waited
patiently for her to finish her photo-op with some Indian or Middle-Eastern
dudes. I approached her and simply said "Hey, I appreciate what you did up
there. I just wanted to say great job and keep it up." She
jokingly/frustratingly shook her head in [almost] disapproval and said,
"You know....this whole time, I tried signalling you to come up on stage
but you just kinda stood there jamming." To my disbelief, did she really know who I was? Did
she recognize me from Twitter (although we never really interacted THAT much)?
Either way, I was happy, took two pictures with her (the first one, she wasn't
ready and the brim of her hat kept hitting me in the eye) and called it a
night. Later on, I researched her further and found that my sister
actually had her CD. I bought my own copy. I noticed the artwork was a bit out
of date so I messaged LadyDJ if I could have her permission to do a little
fan-art or maybe redo what was on the actual CD cover. Permission was granted
(which ended up being the last serious art piece I've done to date). While I
researched equipment, her music/mixing style, etc, I started to fall in love
with the scene again (back in highschool was really into the rave scene.
Meeting her more or
less brought me back to it). More importantly, after meeting her and
researching music, equipment, etc, I wanted to
be a part of it. I wanted to do what she did. So I ended up buying a pair of
Pioneer HDJ-2000 Headphones (cost me half my rent. $373.43 to be exact. Maybe a
little MORE than half my rent) which motivated me to keep going with pursuing
this hobby~
Flash-forward to May 2012 when she came back to Denver to perform
at the "club" section of a strip-club. I wanted her to sign my
headphones but I was incredibly star-struck by her. No longer was I the casual
listener but I was, at this point, fan-obsessed. Upon meeting her again, she almost seemed as nervous
to meet me as I was to meet her. After getting her to sign my headphones, I
practically became her groupie on stage (my second DJ teacher [who was actually
responsible for setting up the sound system that night] wanted me to go up on
stage with her to observe her technique). I was also frequently mistaken for an
actual DJ that was set to perform (by fellow DJs and employees alike). Since
then, she would be
the one to call out to me in
a dark room/crowded venue whenever she came into town. I can honestly say that
I became friends with an internationally recognized DJ who actually happens to
be my DJ Hero/Inspiration/Motivation~
So why is this backstory so important? She's actually the main
focus of my last blog entitled "It's Within Your Grasp So Stop
Hesitating~" Sure, since becoming friends with her (which, I thought, was
an impossibility), I've become somewhat infatuated with her. Not because she's
this international superstar or because she's uber-talented or even because
she's FRUSTRATINGLY gorgeous,
but because she's a real,
down-to-earth individual. How we became close friends? I'm not sure. Honestly,
I'm not even sure WHY we're friends. I'm still trying to figure out what sets
me apart from being just another faceless fan in the crowd. Now, if you haven't
read my last blog, you probably should. It's an observation [not necessarily an
explanation] of the possibility of
something formulating. But I know this not to be possible. Why? Well, for one,
I'm insecure and don't think that I could possibly stand up to her. Secondly,
our jobs/lifestyles would make it difficult to keep things going. Heck, since
the events of the last blog, it seems like she'd easily move on. Thirdly, I
honestly don't want to risk this friendship that I've developed with her. It
already seemed impossible/unlikely as it is and I don't want to lose that. With
this in mind, I've tried to keep my unrequited feelings for her in check. It
may just be one-sided and maybe I'll keep telling myself that. It's a little
back-and-forth struggle I've been dealing with. There's always things that I
want to suppress because the idea of an us just
seems so different/unlikely [based on our likes vs dislikes]. Despite being the
same astrological sign, I'm not certain if we'd really be compatible~
I'm actually planning a trip out to Los Angeles. Why? Well, why
not? I've accumulated x amount of days of vacation time and it's
Use-It-Or-Lose-It. I've never been to LA (I don't think LAX counts). Plus, for
a while, I've wanted to move to LA if I wanted to pursue DJing further (I know
the competition will be tough as well as cost-of-living but I just want to
experience the culture myself). I threw the suggestion of meeting up for lunch
or something and she actually agreed. Now, keep in mind, this initially wasn't my reason for wanting to go to Los Angeles. I was expecting her to be out playing a gig somewhere anyways. But after she agreed to meet up, it's pretty much the only thing I'm looking forward to. But now, there's a chance she won't even been in town while I'm out there. And after seeing her updates, she'll also be gone during the middle of my trip out. So the chances of me actually meeting up with my hero/e-crush seem less likely to happen. Because of this, I don't even really want to go anymore~
Well, why is this a big deal? To be honest, I think I may have fallen for her quite deeply. Maybe it was the would-be opportunity that presented itself back in March. Maybe it was the comfortable nicknames we've given each other since then. That smile? Those eyes? That collarbone [yeah, I said it. I'm a sucker for them]? Something about her just makes my heart flutter; skip a beat; get those butterflies; etc. And the thing is, it has absolutely nothing to do with her status as an internationally recognized DJ. I genuinely like her. There have been numerous times when I'd also try and convince myself that there's no way that something like that could EVER happen. Right when I think I rid myself of any of those one-sided desires, something occurs to where it'll just reel me right back in. It's like a trap of sorts. Am I brave enough to tell her how I feel or even hint to it (assuming I even get the chance next week). Ha....not likely. But like the events of March 2013, I can't be stuck lying in regret. I either do it or don't. Even if it's at the risk of a friendship that I only dreamed of attaining. At least I'll know, right~?
COMPARISON:
So....who to choose between the two? In terms of likes/dislikes/similarities, Case 1 would be the way to go. However, I was burned by her already. Twice, in fact. With Case 2, it would literally be a dream come true. For a while, she was the living embodiment of my dreamgirl and, in some instances [as well as testimony from third-parties] the possibility seems feasible but she's fickle so the chance of her easily getting bored is high~
I'll actually have my reunion with Case 1 this weekend. I MIGHT have my reunion with Case 2 [possibly] next week. I guess there's nothing left to do but to wait and see how things play out. I'm scared. I truly am. All the scenarios in my head will probably mean less than nothing when the moment of truth comes knocking at my proverbial door~
#PLowProject #PLP
