It's been well over 2 years since I've last posted a blog. A lot has happened since then. Some follow-up:
-Despite having the tools to do it, I still haven't produced any tracks~
-I think I've established my identity as a DJ (in terms of knowing my sh*t). I still don't like being in the spotlight but it's apparent that I know my way around some decks~
-To add onto the previous point, I FINALLY completed my DJ set-up. I also go to play a few gigs. Most notable was my debut as BotoMaki at The Lounge at BETA NightClub on April 2016. This has garnered a few fans in terms of my musicality and style~
-I was previously employed in a position where I made a substantial amount of money (maybe a 40% increase of what I was previously making on my annual income). Unfortunately, I'm no longer employed at said company and currently looking for something that would cater to my strengths~
-I got into vlogging for a little bit. My YouTube channel is still a little bit of a mix-bag but I haven't uploaded a vlog in a while (I still need to edit a video of my Chicago trip from May 2017 for my cousin's wedding)~
These are just a few things that's happened since the last blog entry. However, that's not the main point of today's entry. As the title suggests, I'm having an internal struggle on what I should do/think regarding two particular situations. Let's go over those, shall we~?
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SCENARIO ONE:
When I first got into DJing, I would have scheduled practices at a friend's house. Eventually, I became established/confident with my own abilities. After finally completing my DJ Set-Up and gaining a small following from the few gigs I've had, I started to hold practices at my place. The primary reason is that some of the newer generation of DJs don't have a place to practice on the club-standard gear so I've opened my place up for those wanting to learn the equipment~
During this time, I started to grow apart from a former teacher. He went down a path of popularity where I went towards individual integrity. We didn't always see eye to eye so our ideologies would often conflict. Not sure if it was a seniority complex but he would try and downplay my abilities (despite our peers acknowledging my advancements. Dare I say, even surpassing him in terms of skill). Did that make him resentful or something? I don't know. Anyways, as time passed, there have been times when he'd [for lack of better words] screw me over. One example: while we had a B2B gig at a local club, he failed to mention a certain setting switch-up on the equipment. This caused me to majorly flub my portion of the set and made me look amateur when it mattered and simply said "I thought you knew what you were doing" in the most underhanded, dickish way possible. Another example [unrelated to DJing] was when he didn't want to help me jump-start my car. Despite him living [literally] a 5-minute drive away from my location, he suggested I sign up with AAA, pay a monthly fee, and have them come over to help me. He didn't want to help me because he know how to jump a battery from his then-new car. A friend from Colorado Springs drove 70 miles to help me out. My battery died completely. I had to buy a new battery. Turned out, I didn't have the tools to actually swap my battery so I ending having to buy additional tools. This ended up costing me upwards $200 total. I later went to the club because I needed a drink. I saw him at the club and asked if I was all good. I told him he was a bad friend and he cost me $xxx.xx because he was being a dick and not wanting to help me jump my car. He then bought me 1 beer then thought we were all good. The most recent example of his disrespect was when he added a bunch of strangers to my practice sessions without informing me. Keep in mind, these are strangers to ME but are notorious to talking shit about other local DJs. My practices are meant for the newcomers that shouldn't have to deal with the back-talking and bullsh*t politics that's predominant in the local scene (this is the reason why I was never proactive about making it as a DJ in the local scene as it's the kind of stuff that my heroes had to deal with). To sum it up, he's essentially a bad, disrespectful person and only really does anything for friends if it's convenient for his benefit~
This brings me to my dilemma: He had presented me an opportunity to play at one of the major EDM events this year. However, it has to be a B2B session with him and it has to go through one of the main figures in the local scene. "You'll get to play at one of the biggest shows in Denver so what's the problem?" As I've previously mentioned, I'm not as ambitious as everyone else is to make a name for myself as a DJ (as expressed to me by my heroes, those who get into the scene with the sole purpose of becoming famous/popular will burn out really quick). On top of that, in order to "make it" in the local scene, you basically have to suck this main figure's dick to get anywhere. I've seen how he treats his DJs (both of local and international fame) and it's something I'd rather not be involved with. At the same time, how many opportunities do I get to play this event? Since I don't see myself ever competing in the Global Dance Festival DJ Competition anytime soon (which is bullsh*t, btw. more on that another time), I don't really see this opportunity coming by very often. My initial response was to accept (which I did). However, is it fair for me to take advantage of this situation~?
I suppose I can look at it as though it's his way of [subconsciously] paying me back for the numerous wrongs he's done me. OR I can look at it as karma and I'm presented with the opportunity to take advantage of him as he's done with me. And I guess that's where I question my moral compass regarding this specific scenario~
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SCENARIO TWO:
There's one thing I've come to live by: "Don't go into anything with a specific PLAN. Try to go into things with an IDEA. Plans tend to fail. If you don't have a PLAN, you can't get mad if the plan fails." This has carried into other facets of my life. Namely: that of relationships. In the past, I found that anytime I [actively] pursued someone, it would typically fail (see previous blogs as I've touched on my love-life and former love interests). So, with that, I've just adopted the whole "whatever happens" mentality and just went with whatever came my way~
As most of you know, I've been single for a while. My last legit relationship was back in 2010 and there was a thing back in early 2012. At minimum, it's been 5 years since my last intimate interaction (physical; emotional; or otherwise). Between then and now, I've encountered individuals that would show some kind of potential at something resembling a possible love-life. However, for whatever the circumstance, I didn't act on it. Perhaps it was because of the circumstance; or maybe this self-fulfilling prophecy I have that things are doomed to fail [when I exert any type of effort]; or maybe it can be attributed to my lack of self-esteem. Heck, it could be a combination of any of these. Either way, it's the reason why I haven't taken the initiative to do anything about it. That is....until recently [**note** "recently" is entirely subjective]~
In the last few years, I've noticed a trend: being too comfortable/complacent. I'm guilty of this as well, obviously. I've always said that I'm not actively looking to be with anyone (so I don't really have any right to complain about being single). However, in the past, I noticed that taking a passive, "whatever happens" approach worked much better in my favor. The only problem is that when something actually comes my way, I don't have the confidence to pull the trigger [prime example: see the entry from August 11, 2013 "It's Within Your Grasp So Stop Hesitating~"]. So, without making any moves and just letting things happen, I'm still in this Singles Purgatory~
Because of this, I've accepted that I'm going to be single until the unforeseeable future. Nowadays, I get more satisfaction seeing my friends happy. I think I live vicariously through their relationships. And I think my friends have accepted me as such. I think I've earned that label as "The Single Whatever Friend" or something of that nature~
After forming equal bonds with both parties, I'm never seen as a threat to the other. My position [regardless of the situation] is to remain neutral. I'm never to [initially] pick sides. I will point out positives/negatives and play the role as the mediator from time to time, but never pick sides. However, this becomes increasingly difficult when I (as an observer) favor one side over the other. As an outsider looking in, my mind tells me to express the logical course of action to take. This, unfortunately, could spell an end to an era. Trying to look passed the bias, I'm not sure how to press forward. As a friend, there's only so much I can say in terms of following an emotional or logical route. BUT, as a friend, I'm in a position to say what they may need to hear (regardless of how desirable/undesirable the outcome may be)~
The worst part about it: this could potentially put me in a position to lose people dear to me. Would it be a dick move? Which would be the greater good? For once in a long time, part of me wants to take the initiative and do something. However, this also goes against my philosophy of letting things happen for themselves. At the same time, would this redefine me as what a "true friend" should be? What about the retrospective? Although I don't have any ulterior motive for either, could I be viewed as a wolf in sheep's clothing~?
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This is the mental/emotional/moral struggle I have to deal with. It may not be an issue for some but as someone who tends to put others before myself, I'm uncertain on what I should do. Sometimes, I hate myself for being indecisive. Rather, my personality/moral compass is somewhat that of a chameleon: there's a whole lot of gray in this spectrum. I guess, if I can't decide, I can just remain complacent. But glory goes to those who take the risk. You can't win if you don't play. This is true. However, you can't lose if you don't play, either~
But hey, there's a[n] [coin-flip] app for that~
