Confessions of an UnSuccessful Success: 2015

Let it be known: I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing~

There are many things that I'm a bit hesitant on. Well, more accurately, I'm either lazy or insecure in moving forward in certain aspects of my life. I see people around me pursuing things that will better themselves in one way or another and part of me is being judgemental/resentful. In actuality, I think I'm just jealous. Does that make me a hater? I guess in an objective standpoint, it probably does. Well, let me rephrase that, I'm envious~

Example 1:
Let's look at the whole DJ-ing thing. Initially, I got into the whole thing because I lost my passion for drawing and needed a new outlet to express myself. Also, I wanted to be able to be recognized by a former e-crush as someone to watch out for rather than just an individual fan within the large masses. When I expressed this interest, I reignited a DJ-ing passion in one of my friends who then taught me the basics in vinyl. In return, I introduced him into the digital realm with using DJ controllers. Now, he's competing in various DJ competitions and I'm proud of him. However, over the years, I've come to realize the DJs I truly respect are the ones who do it as a passion and as a means to express who they are. My instructor seems to have lost sight of that as he primarily plays "what's popular" for the sake of being popular as well as "talking to bitches" (for lack of better words). I understand that a DJ's job is to get the people dancing....but at what cost? If someone only plays the popular stuff (the stuff that everyone else is playing), then what's setting that person apart from the rest? One other thing I've noticed is that those who get into the scene just to be famous/known tend to burn out and fail. With DJing being more accessible to the world, it's hard to make yourself unique. And when I hear him talk, I lose a piece of myself a little bit~

A few years ago, he was specifically a Dubstep DJ. Me, personally, my focus was Progressive House/Electro House/Complextro. And for whatever reason, he would urge me to play Dubstep. Our practice sessions would result in me being frustrated because he would push it so hard on me. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate the genre, I'm just not that passionate for it and it wouldn't be my first choice to spin. I just don't care for it as much. Later down the road, he suddenly stopped playing Dubstep. Why? "Because it wasn't popular anymore." He said to me once, "You were right all along. Dubstep is dying. House is where it's at. That's what's popular." To which I replied, "I wasn't right about anything, I just have a stronger appreciation/love for Progressive/Electro/Complextro than I do for Dubstep. I never chose to play it because it's 'popular.' I simply play what I like and that's all there is to it~"

But here he is competing in various competitions and networking. And here I am, a little bedroom DJ working on my craft but too nervous to go in public and express myself to the public. There's one thing that I can admire about him. It's that he's actually putting himself out there. Maybe it's against my own personal beliefs as to his motivation but the fact of the matter is, he's doing it~

What's funny though, is that one of the local DJs I've followed/looked up to since I got involved in the scene follows me as well. I can't really say he's my mentor but I certainly view him in such high regard. During one of the nights of this recent competition, he came up to me and asked "So when am I going to see you behind the DJ booth and play in front of this crowd?" I told him that I lacked confidence and I feel really uncomfortable bringing a controller to a live venue. I'd rather learn on the Club Standard [CDJ-2000(x2) and a DJM-900]. You know what he told me? "If you're playing on a controller, you're already better than most of the people competing this year. If you want to learn on CDJs, I have a 2000 + DJM400 setup and a flightcase and I'll let you borrow it for a week at no cost. I WANT you in this competition next year. You BETTER be in this competition next year." I don't know why but when I hear something like that from someone I look up to rather than some of my friends that know I spin on my freetime....it's a different kind of feeling/compliment. I generally think people just say that to be nice but it means a lot coming from HIM. Maybe that's just the kind of confidence boost/connection I need to get off my ass and do something about it. And, above all else, express who I am and not rely on what's popular. I can only rely on what I feel and how I interpret my feelings through song~

Another thing I need to get off my ass and do is actually put FLSudio and Ableton to use. I've had the programs for 2+ years and haven't touched them because I'm too intimidated by it. Not only that but it's just like why I lost my passion for art. I'm not entirely sure on HOW to express myself. It's like Artist Block: I'm not sure how to translate my thoughts into something tangible. With music production, I don't even know how to being to think of some original composition. Again, with music being so accessible now, I'm not sure how to make myself stand out among many, many others doing the same thing~

**Note** I will never refer to myself as a "DJ". Just because I know how to do it doesn't make me one. So many people today are calling themselves DJ's, it's almost laughable. The title is no longer something that can be taken in such high regard. Like being a dancer, I feel the term DJ needs to be earned. I haven't earned the right to be called as such so I won't refer to myself as one~

Example 2:
You know it's been 5 years since I was in an actual relationship? And it's been over 3 years since I've had relations. Why? Because I'm insecure and scared. The last one woman I was in a relationship with made me question how compatible I am with others. The last one I had a thing with and decided to pursue turned out to be an unstable mess and actually she just scares me of all women. Remember that e-crush I told you about? Yeah, the one that actually got me into DJing? At some point, I think I MIGHT'VE had a chance with her too (see previous blogs) but, if you already know the story, I was too chicken shit to do anything about it~

So what about people at work? Why not try talking to people in the crowds I've been kicking it with? What about online dating? Well, as far as work goes, there really isn't anyone likeable (to put it bluntly). What about the night scene I've been involved with? My biggest fear in that regard is that since everyone knows everyone and if I were to date any one of them and we break up (let's say a really bad break-up), that would put our friends in a position to choose a side. I personally hate that and I'd rather not be someone to place other people in a similar situation. Online dating? I'm already introvert as it is. I can be pretty awkward in meeting new people. I can just imagine how bad it would be in those kind of situations~

Here's my experience: the moment I decide to pursue someone, things tend to fail. It happened with the last girlfriend; it happened with the last love interest; and it happened with the e-crush. Just my luck or is it my lack of confidence? Funny thing about that, it usually fails when I actually gain the confidence to do something about it~

It's strange, though. Despite being the #RidingSolo type, I'm actually comfortable being alone. Sure, I sometimes feel like the Third Wheel or the odd one out. And it certainly doesn't help going to public events and seeing a bunch of couples together. But at the end of the day, I go home and don't have to worry if someone is being unfaithful to me or if the relationship is going downhill. The flipside of that is that I COULD be in a situation where everything is fine and dandy and I have the love of my life and so-on. I guess it's not really something to complain about. If things happen, they happen. Although my day-to-day is pretty mundane, I'll just take it as it comes. Whatever happens, happens~

Example 3:
I keep telling myself I need to exercise. I've bought all these take-home exercise programs, bought all these books and guides....and I'm not putting them into practice. At a point, I've hit 180 lbs. That's the most I've ever weighed. Since I've last checked, I dropped down to 170. It's still too heavy for my liking. I can't fit into my favorite shirts anymore. I saw a picture I took with my e-crush a few months ago and I look all kinds of tubby. I just recently bought 2 pairs of khakis at W36. I used to be W33! #Dafuq (>.<)** There's no way I'll be able to cosplay bad-ass characters with all the chubs in my waist area~

It doesn't help that my knees are pretty bad. Trying to watch my diet. I can thank that 10 lbs drop to that but diet isn't enough. It's hard to stay motivated most times. It doesn't help that I'm almost always tired, too. Part of me thinks that having a girlfriend or a Lady-Bro would help. We could support each other to better ourselves. Wishful thinking, I guess~

*********************************************************************************

Despite all these, I'm trying to come to terms with most of it. I'm trying to find other ways to put myself out there. I started a YouTube channel. Although most of my videos are on FaceBook, I have 2 on my channel (one is a quick compilation of Denver Comic Con 2015 and the other is a DJ practice session). I'm still not sure what my main focus of content should be or if it should just be a bunch of random things. But I figured it's a tool for me to attempt being more open and expressive. I know YouTubers is a thing nowadays but I'm not looking to be considered "a YouTuber" nor am I looking to become famous from it. Again, I think it's more like a form of therapy. Again, just putting myself out there~

Well, I guess there really isn't any real point to this blog other than the sake of blogging. If you have any interest in my DJing/YouTube, feel free to check out the following links below. Also included are my other Social Media pages~

www.MixCloud.com/P_Low?
www.SoundCloud.com/P_Low_Project/
www.facebook.com/PLowProject/

YouTube/Twitter/Instagram/SnapChat/Tumblr: @BotoMaki

Confessions of an UnSuccessful Success

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Midway~

Less Than Casual~

About Me