It's been a VERY long time since I've last blogged. Lately I've kept a journal, but even then, I haven't really kept up with it. Anyways, I'd like to take this time to express some things [one thing in partcular] that's happened in the last few months~
Shortly after GDF-2011 [see previous post], I met up with some friends to hit up another event called TITAN. 2 of my GoGo friends were performing at this event so I wanted to support them [as well as see DJ Alie Layus]. Anyways, when I went, I met one of my GoGo friend's friend. Her name was Jasmyn. We seemed to hit it off pretty well. We exchanged numbers, kept in touch. I later find out that she's from CSprings and regularly dances at an EDM bar called Blondie's. So, one day, I decide to hit her up and visit her~
This was maybe 2 weeks or so after TITAN, I started to make my way to CSprings but I end up getting a ticket [it was either speeding or an illegal u-turn, I don't remember] which kinda eff'd up my night. Anyways, I finally get down to Blondie's and try to kick it with Jasmyn. However, she was super busy so for the 2 hours I was there, I probably only got to see/talk to her for probably 15 mins. Already upset, I end up leaving and going to my parents' house to crash~
Checking my phone, I saw someone messaged me on FourSquare [another social media app]. My profile picture was me in this print button-up shirt and a fadora with a skinny tie. This person that messaged me said she wanted to dance with me. To which I replied, "If I had seen this message sooner, I would've definitely danced with you. Sorry for the late reply~" From there, we started going back and forth until we eventually exchanged phone numbers~
Her name's Amanda [I should really stop going for The 'Ay~]. During this chance meeting from FourSquare, I come to find out she's this very attractive otaku that's in the Army. Not only that, she's an amazing artist. This attracts me more to her. About a week later, we have our first official meeting. Myself, Daniel, Mel, Puraw-Wave, C-Level, and Amanda have this get-together at my place. It was pretty chill that all of us got to hang out. And I guess, from there, she and I started to develop this type of friendship/relationship~
Later I find out that she "gets around" quite often. Turns out she's slept with a few of my friends from back in the day [Ho-Sung, Kyol...basically anyone Asian]. Within maybe the first 2-3 weeks of meeting her, she's slept with 3-4 people. I guess I don't let it get to me. Seeing what kinda guys she goes for, I didn't think anything could happen between me and her. I wasn't her type. Nonetheless, we still hung out here and there~
Flash-forward to mid October...she's never been to "the Church" so I offer to get her on the list along with one of these other guys she's met through FB. They were pretty much all over each other. I didn't pay too much mind to it. I kinda felt I knew nothing could happen between me and her. Anyways, at the end of the night, I let both her and her friend stay the night at my place [They didn't have anywhere to go and both were pretty drunk. I wasn't about to let them out on the road intoxicated]. That following day, Amanda and I go to watch the FootLoose remake in theaters. Later that night, we go to Vinyl to see my favorite [Female] DJ spin on the main floor [DJ HeavyGrinder]. Originally, it was just supposed to be me and her but her FB "friend" self-invited himself to come along. During this time when we meet at the club, Amanda states she's gonna go AZN-Hunting while this guy and myself are on the main floor. He ends up leaving because of the mixed signals that Amanda was giving. I, on the other hand, didn't pay too much mind to either of them since I was just jamming out to HeavyGrinder getting down on the decks. At the end of the night, I actually get to take pictures with the DJ~
The end of the night, I'm sure that if Amanda and I didn't car-pool, she would've gone home with the tall-buff AZN she was dancing with at Vinyl. But anyways, at the end of the night, I wasn't about to let her drive home sleepy so I let her stay the night. Keep in mind, each time I offer to let her stay the night, I always offer to take the sofa while she takes my bed [as courtesy] but we eventually become cuddle-buddies. Anyways, the following moring, we wake up in each other's arms. We wake up pretty late for a Sunday [about 11 or 1. I forget...I know it had a "1" in it]. As we're cuddling, she forces my hand to caress her body. Eventually, my hand starts to move on its own and I start exploring her. As she moans, I stop. I even tell her "I can stop if you want. We don't have to go any further than you don't want to." However, she gives me the green light to keep moving forward. It was an open invitation to sleep with her. Considering how I haven't slept with anyone since the ex, Jordan, and Amanda seemed to only be interest in Sex, I go with it. It was the break of a 16-month dryspell. I thought "I haven't done this in a while and she's openly sleeping around...why not~?" So....we do it~
After it was all over, she started acting super-girlfriendy. To be honest, I did like it. I mean, what guy isn't gonna turn down sex in over a year? Secondly, I thought BOTH our intentions were clear: I haven't done it i forevers and she was just looking to hook up. However, I guess it turned out she really DID wanna be with me. I didn't think I was really ready for a relationship if I would still think about Jordan. And even more so, I didn't think she'd wanna be with me if, the previous night and the night before, she was wanting to hook up with other guys. But because of this misinterpretation, she decided to "cut herself from a dramatic situation and avoid the drama entirely."
Almost immediately after this incident, I went to talk to my BFF about it. I've never had a 1-night stand before so I wasn't sure what to do. This whole situation actually put me in a sort of "identity-crisis." I wasn't sure if I was truly a nice guy or a dick. And the new persona I took on, I wasn't sure if that's how I REALLY was or if that was just a ruse to convince myself I was that way. A week later, I come to find out that she ends up dating one of my friends from my friends list~
I wanted to clarify things with her. Obviously, it was a misunderstanding and I wanted to make whatever was misunderstood very clear. But, since she's in the Army, she had to go to training somewhere out of state. So I wrote her a letter [yes...hand-written] and hoped she would've gotten it before she left for her training. A month passes with no response until one day, she texts me saying what her thoughts were on the letter and the situation. She felt that her intentions were quite clear [but her actions seemed to say otherwise]. From there, we're kinda on texting terms [not very frequent though]~
It wasn't until NYE when we started pursuing hanging out again. I had originally wanted to go to Decadence but I coudln't afford it. Amanda had suggested going to a hookah bar but eventually decided on going to BETA. We ended up spending NYE at BETA. One of the first things she asked me was "I know that nothing would probably come between us but would you do the honor of being my NYE kiss~?" I was happy to oblige. It would've been my first NYE Kiss since Jordan and I maybe thought that's all it would be. Well, after it all, it was late and, again, I didn't want to let her drive home drunk/tired so I offered to let her stay at my place again. And, just like last time, I offered to sleep on the couch while she took the bed. She wanted to cuddle again and, thinking we both knew what was [not] going to happen, I went with it. We ended up sleeping with each other again~
This time, we actually end up sticking with it. We eventually ended up being FWB. When we'd go out, she'd still go on her AZN hunts and she'd also urge me to try and talk to other women. But, to be honest, I just wanted to either enjoy the beats or enjoy her company. But, just the same, it was like we picked up right where we left off [minus the sex]. This went on for maybe each successive week up until this Valentine's Day weekend~
I wanted to hang out with Amanda but she had been working these terrible hours for her job [basically, graveyard-shift to an extent]. I had come down to support some friends in a Valentine's Day contest at a CSprings club called The Mansion. However, there was no such contest. I ended up leaving. Amanda knew I was in town and offered tha I came to see her later on that day. I told her I was sleeping at my parents' house but I never get much sleep while I'm down there anyways. So she calls me up [i'm barely awake to catch the phonecall]. She indicated that she got off work early and that I should make my way to her place [which I do]. Already expecting to hang out with her, I thought I'd do a nice gesture and buy her a Valentine's Day card. It wasn't anything too mushy/lovey-dovey. Just something saying that I value her friendship very much and I'm happy that we started being friends again~
After sleeping for a few hours, we end up "sleeping" again. After the event, she got a call from her job superiors so she had to leave the apt to get something out of her car. While she went out to her car, I noticed her cat playing with a used condom on the floor. The peculiar thing was that it wasn't the condom I used [I threw it out]. As a matter of fact, it looked like the condom that I brought a week ago in case she and I were to sleep with each other. I jokingly called it out but she didn't seem to mind. We ended up showering together and we started acting all relationship-y. And to be honest, I was all for it. The more I thought about it, the more I actually saw myself being with her beyond FWB~
Around mid afternoon, I was getting ready to leave. She walked me to my vehicle and started hugging me as I started hugging her. We shared a few romantic butterfly kisses. At this point, I pushed her back for a little bit so I could look at her face. I looked into her eyes and said:
"I....THINK I may be falling for you pretty hard. But I'm not sure."
She smiled, we kissed, and we parted ways as we always did. After I told her this, it seemed like she's been a little bit more distant. On actual Valentine's Day, she didn't text me anything regarding the holiday. Instead, she asked me about any upcoming anime conventions so she could do some cosplay. Hell, even on Thursday, I let her know I was in town and if she wanted to hang out, she should hit me up before I left for Denver but I never got a reply~
Last night [Friday, Feb 17, 2012] roughly around 130am, I get a text from her saying to come down to CSprings. I wasn't sure if I could do it because of pending finances. I told her she should come up to Denver instead but she said she was too drunk. I replied that I would have to check my finances before I came down. But also wondered what we could do if I came down since everything would be closed. She replied "Cuddling? hugging, kissing...maybe more? Plus, I have some really cute panties I wanna show you." It was very tempting. Even more so because I truly wanted to see her this weekend to actually talk about taking our relationship to the next step. I really wanted to be with her romantically. She then texted me "BANGARANG, Come down here." [20 mintues later] "please?" I replied [jokingly]:
"That first part of your text looked like a demand. I don't respond to demands very well =p But yeah, I'll come down. I just need to get gas =)~"
From there, she freakin' wigged out on me hard-core. I guess she thought that I said she was too demanding. and from there she kept saying how "Your Loss, you fucked up for not wanting me when I wanted you. and you fucked up this Friends-with-benefits relationship we had. fuck you, bye ^.^"
I tried to text her and call her repeatedly to try and clarify that it was only a joke text and that I didn't mean she was demanding. But the only response I would get was "Bye ^.^" Each time I called, I either got her got a ringtone then straight to voice mail or her phone was turned off completely and then to voicemail. I was trying to talk some sense into her but she refused to listen or even give me a chance to make things clear~
Today [February 18, 2012], I drove down to the Springs to see her. If she wasn't going to allow me to talk to her over the phone or respond to my texts, I thought that speaking with her face-to-face would at least show that I wasn't trying to be a jerk and that I'm putting in effort to want to be with her. When I got to her parking lot, I exited out of the car and saw her walking out. We made eye contact and I waved. She just looked away and walked towards her car. I ran to her:
"Could you PLEASE just hear me out? You don't even have to say anything. Look, I'm sorry I made you upset. I didn't mean to. I thought you could tell I was joking but it clearly came off wrong. Again, I'm really sorry~"
"You should've have come down here. You're wasting your time. Besides, I'm busy. Once I get ready, I'm going to Manitou Springs..."
She hopped in her car as I tried to talk to her. She stared at me blankly, closed her door, and drove up to her door. I went back to my car and wrote a letter to her. I was going to leave it on her front door but I saw her car was in front with the hazards, unattended. I ended up leaving the letter on her driver-side door and walked off. As I was walking away, I heard her front door open/close. I didn't bother turning back~
What was in the letter? I was basically saying how, again, sorry I was and that I didn't think all this hooplah was worth losing a friendship over. If she wouldn't even give me the satisfaction of trying to make things clear, maybe all the stuff we shared since NYE was just bullshit. I told her that I was sorry that I denied her back in October and that I misunderstood her intentions [just like how she misunderstood my text]. And I finally told her "I'm sorry, Amanda, that I fell in love with you~"
.........................................................................
After consulting some friends about the situation, they all think that she'll try and contact me back when she calms down. This, I highly doubt. This wasn't the first time she cut off someone completely over a misunderstanding. At least with THAT guy, she attempted to make things clear. Comparatively, a misunderstood text is juvenile comparted to what happened between her and the other guy~
The more I start to think about it, the more I wonder if this was her plan from the start. Couldn't this be a revenge/pay-back type of deal? Build me up to want her until the point where I confess then she finds an excuse to turn me down like I apparently did back in October? If that were the case, why would she go to great lengths to act all girlfriend-like and relationship-y only to tell me "Since October, I've become COMPLETELY incapable of having any feelings for you. Determined to break any man's heart." If that were true, was it really worth it to string me along for this amount of time? Did she really mean that or was she just angry? She also did make mention she was drunk. Considering the possible factors, THIS revenge scenario is probable. One of the things I told her when we first started talking again was "I strongly dislike [mind] games. If you're going to be real with me, by all means. but don't waste my time [and yours] just to fuck with my head. That's what happened with the ex and I'd like to avoid doing that again, if possible~" At this point, I truly feel that might've been her intent from the start. It's stuff like this that makes me weary about falling for ANY woman again~
I made a bet with a friend about the situation. He said "I bet you $100 that she'll call you back." I bet she wouldn't so right now, $100 is on the line for the next 4 weeks. Both of us are confident. He thinks she'll try to contact me wanting to apologize and say she's sorry. I think she's dropped me entirely and I can expect to never hear from her again. So, come March 17th, one of us will be $100 richer~
The worst part about it: It feels like we broke up and we weren't even dating. Even more so, I don't like things ending without legitimate reason. Over a simple text message, I didn't think it was enough to warrant the end of a friendship. But perhaps, there never was a friendship to begin with. I don't know....
I do know that this is just another chapter in the B-Rad story-arc. I'm sure I'll learn something from this so I can't treat it as a waste. However, I don't really have a choice but to move forward~
THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A GIRL......
