Will-Power~

I'm a tad bit behind in posts. I was supposed to put one up about my trip to Los Angeles but I'll have to save that for another time. Currently, my mind is occupied on another thing right now~

About two years ago, I had a bit of an experience roughly around THIS time [Valentine's Day, specifically]. If you need a refresher, read the entry titled "This Is About A Girl." Well, after [more or less] reuniting, we've probably hung out twice since her return to Colorado. It took a few months for it to happen. Prior to her initial approach back to me, she was engaged and I was somewhat trying to avoid seeing her. She then went overseas so that made it easier to cast feelings aside. Her return in early December 2013 opened doors of potential feelings resurfacing. It wasn't until maybe early January 2014 when we had our reunion over drinks and cigars. I even stayed the night at her place. The offer to share her bed was made and, as much as I wanted to accept the offer, I had an idea what was in store. That being said, I opted to take the couch in the living room. Afterwards, there were multiple attempts to try and hang out but something always came up. That is, until today~

News of an international film festival in Boulder,CO came across on my Facebook newsfeed. It was Hayao Miyazaki's supposed final film before his retirement entitled "The Wind Rises." [later announced he would not be retiring and will continue to make great films] It was its United States premier [2 weeks before Los Angeles & New York]. SHE sent me the invite and I obviously accepted. Rather than carpooling like we originally planned, we ended up taking separate cars since she was running late. Great movie, by the way. After the film, she and I walked around Pearl Street Mall. It was actually quite enjoyable. As much as I didn't want to feel it, it was very pleasant. It was kind of as if she and I picked up right where we left off at prior to the whole "falling out" event. It was almost kind of like having a girlfriend again. It's been a feeling that I've missed for quite some time. However, I had to WILL myself not to possess any feelings as such for her. 1: She's talking to another friend of mine [although he says he doesn't want to rush things, he still shows some interest and she clearly shows an interest in him]. 2: I'm fully aware of the last 2 times I was emotionally involved with her, and it lead to disaster. So what am I to do? Absolutely nothing. I won't try and sway her to have feelings for me again. Besides, she's interested in a really good guy and I truly believe that they would go great together. So here I am, trying to WILL myself to be indifferent to that situation~

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Similarly [and briefly], another situation slips through my fingers. The one that I've been incredibly infatuated by [and looked forward to meeting when I was in LA] is making her way back to Denver next weekend. It's been almost a year since she was in Colorado. And at that time, it seemed like I legitimately had a chance to be with her. But it's been almost a year. I'd imagine that feelings as such don't last forever. Come New Years, she announced that she was happily engaged to the love of her life. I won't lie, I'm really happy for her. This time last year, she was miserable. Since then, she's dated a few times and was left in disappointment. Upon arriving in LA when she suggested that we meet up for lunch, she ended up cancelling since she wanted to spend time with her love interest before he went out of town. Between me and her, our interactions have dramatically decreased. I'm even considering deleting her phone number from my contacts and just resorting to FB messaging only [and even then, it's incredibly rare for her to even see/read those]. Was it my fault for being stubborn? I'd like to think I was being chivalrous by not hopping on a situation that would've compromised my moral code [see It's Within Your Grasp So Stop Hesitating~]~

So how will I act around her when I see her show Feb 22? Will I continue to remain passive-aggressive or act indifferent towards her? I'm sure she might've noticed it by now already. Still, I should at least be friendly. Or at least remain as I were when she and I FIRST met [by that, I mean not being some star-struck fanboy in the crowd]. She once considered me a friend and I hope she still does. But I guess that's all I can really ask for. I mean, I'm just this guy. She's this internationally recognized performer that's shared the stage with the best of them. I don't know how to overcome this feeling of rejection/failure other than willing myself to discard what I felt for her entirely~
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It's funny, really. EVERY TIME I start to take an interest in someone and even so much as THINK about pursuing them, it always fails. I hate it. It makes me feel like I'll be in that "Forever Alone" purgatory. How will I combat this? My only way is to promise myself to see to my goal: "I hope that someday, you'll see me as an equal.Once I reach that, my new goal will be to overcome/surpass you."

I'm going to beat this feeling somehow, some way. When/if it'll happen? Who knows....All I DO know is that I'll have to work on myself more and don't get clouded/jaded by past situations that I could've accomplished. There's no point in dwelling on the past. There's no reason to hold onto the "what ifs". All that's left is to move forward and take that experience with me. What will my future hold? There's only one way to find out and that's to keep pressing forward; no matter happens along the way~